Hi Julie, I stumbled on your site recently via your Juno post on Sasstrology.com. I’ve read all your answers to the questions here and really like your direct approach. I wonder if you could help me with a synastry question, both to understand the relationship dynamic as well as the astrology. Five months ago, a co-worker invited me out and the chemistry was electric (we have a Mars-Venus conjunction). What I really like about the dynamic is the easy communication and banter, which I perhaps over- interpreted as closeness. Shortly thereafter he becomes unavailable due to work or other obligations (which were all true – but I also felt like they served a convenient excuse). I had to keep asking for time, just to make a diary date, and he would prevaricate. This didn’t prevent us from spontaneously getting together randomly, but it was usually because I asked directly, made a joke about killing a rabbit (as in the film Fatal Attraction), or something similar. This always made me feel like I manipulated him into the encounter, and when I tried to raise it, I got more prevarication, and finally a curious ‘I don’t have it in me to see us as a couple’. Last week around the full moon in Virgo, I decided we couldn’t carry on like this, because I was turning more and more into the needy psycho I didn’t want to be, and the more I wrestled time from him, the more I got put in the psycho box, which gave him a perfectly legitimate reason not to get together with me. An unhealthy cycle I chose to break. What I’d like to make sense of, is why he was (and still is, only I don’t respond now) willing to continue the daily communication with texts, phone calls, emails, daily chit chat that makes good friendships so pleasant and comforting. If he had said he wasn’t interested to begin with, I’d have got the hint and moved on. The confrontation around the full moon was heated but I don’t think the damage was lasting. A few days ago, I apologised for my anger and my behavior. Because ultimately I know that you cannot make a person think, feel or do what you want them to, even if you think it is ‘right’ for them! He’s accepted my apology, made one of his, but gave no explanation for his behaviour (not that I’m expecting one). He’s tried to go back to the old friendly dynamic which I find difficult to sustain if the other person cannot even make a lunch appointment with me. I like to make plans with friends (romantic or not) because I feel that it is important to affirm the desire to make contact, and to honour that contact when it is made. Random chit chat maintains a mask of friendliness without any commitment to the relationship (again romantic or not) and lets the prevaricator off the hook. He gets to fill his void or whatever by feeding on my energy but not putting any in of himself. I’m still working out what’s the best way to manage the boundaries as we work in the same space, and I also don’t want to amputate what is otherwise quite a nice connection with another human being. Am I making sense? As Venus retrogrades into Aries, I’m also reassessing my own boundaries and needs. Hence a lengthy question to you like this! I am a self-taught amateur in astrology so I had a look at the synastry of our charts and we have a lot of contact points which I can’t fully make sense of. The Mars-Venus conjunction, mutual Sun- Uranus sextiles, Venus sextile Pluto, etc. and also contact on the angles. His Saturn is exact to my Ascendant and my Venus-Jupiter opposition is on his MC-IC axis. Can you help me understand the nature of the connection between us? I’m not asking ‘will we get back together?’ because no one can know that, but I’d like to learn about how charts work together and why sometimes even when something feels ‘right’, people still panic…? And, crucially, am I imagining this connection in the first place???
Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.
Yes, there are some compelling contacts here, but they are the kind of inter-chart aspects that spell immediate stimulation followed by some really puzzling pushing, clinging, and fleeing. I suspect on your part, Hitch, that your reaction to this man is highly uncharacteristic, which probably freaks you out–and that’s part of the story, as you freak him out, too!
Well, maybe ‘freak out’ sounds too extreme, too harsh. I think I can sum up representative interactions between the charts that will explain the nature of the reactions each of you has had and is having. As you pointed out, there is a Venus/ Mars conjunction in Cancer, and this can be an enormous attractor, with the ideal Self of the woman (Venus) meeting the ideal Self of the man (Mars); but in this case, the roles are flipped. Venus belongs to the guy, and Mars belongs to you, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this as an indicator of immediate attraction and spark followed by lots of resistance and basic discomfort with the other person. The reason is the ‘flip’ in identifying energies. We’re very married, in intimate relationship, to playing either anima or animus–and when in the prospective mate we’re seeing the energy we identify ourselves (and our sexual role) with, we can become quite put off by it–and I think this is happening in your case, at least for him. He’s getting a too-assertive (and to his senses, too masculine) vibe from you, and though he enjoys the lively energy exchange of bantering, he is not okay with that feeling in a potential sexual partner. There’s a clue in his Venus’ placement in Cancer, a Water sign that’s more on the passive side; with that representing his ideal mate (male or female–it’s the idea that the placement of Venus is complementary to a man’s Mars)–I dare say he wants someone receptive, nurturing, even quiet–and what you present doesn’t fit this.
There are a handful of other things that should suffice to illustrate the dynamic: his Juno conj your Ceres= this creates a pull, as his idea of a proper mate corresponds to some of your natural and powerful energies–but Ceres is a very strong energy, and may actually overwhelm his ability to handle your energy! Your Juno sits right on his Ascendant, making his personality very aware of your empowerment–and likely, again, feeling overwhelmed (Juno can be very punitive when disrespected). And your Pluto falls in his 12th, and 12th House placements can be very frightening for the House person–it’s like your darkness ‘lives’ in his subconscious–and you can imagine how uneasy that may make him.
His Saturn is conj your Earth, and this can have one of two outcomes: he can facilitate your material prosperity/ condition, or he may, without even thinking about it, want to suppress your material situation. This placement may in this instance, I think, cause him to feel that you may be prone to ‘use’ him somehow materially, though I think there’s no truth to that. His Mars is conj your Vesta, and this is another of those WOW! contacts at first that becomes hugely pressure-filled, as it suggests it’s an enormous turn-on followed by a lot of pressure in his own mind to be spectacularly super-sexy every time out of the gate! Which of course acts as an immediate shriveler for some.
His Pisces Moon is square your Neptune and trine your Venus, and this makes for a lot of emotional sympathy, but also leads to him having true difficulty seeing who you are–hence his misinterpretation of your energies. Your Mercurys are square, which points to the banter and also ongoing tension–which can make for lively conversation, but which is best kept light, as otherwise conflict can emerge. Your Cappy Moon is at 29 degrees, making your general emotional tenor ‘brittle,’ and with the Moon ruling your 8th, and his Sun falling in your 8th, there is a tendency to emotionally act out as he may be perceived as a kind of ‘resource,’ and ‘yours,’ whether a sexual relationship is in effect or not. Your Sun falls in his 9th, and this is a placement that often brings an initial reaction from the House person of, “How exotic you are!” followed by steady distancing as the relationship easily slips in to one that casts you as a ‘teacher’ (or maybe a ‘life proctor’!) and this is his perception, unrelated to your actual conduct.
Since these are natal chart interactions, they won’t change with time, though transits can mitigate some of the energies and offer temporary harmonies; but honestly, you’re better off keeping it light, enjoying the banter, and absolutely looking elsewhere for companionship, sexual and otherwise, as your lovely, lively, and intelligent energy ultimately frightens him, and who needs a scaredy-cat in bed?