“Am I Wrong to be Jealous?”

Kirchner 1930 {{PD-Art}}

I am a 25 year-old male and I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a month. She asked me to be official on our second date and I said yes. She shows me lots of attention and meets me often but she loves talking to new people. She is always chatting with the pizza clerk or server, whether it’s a guy or girl. If it’s a guy she’s still smiling at him and talking to him in front of me. One time she gave the IHOP server a big tip and joked with him. She tells me we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I told her that is fine as long as we had those friends already and we are platonic with them. She agreed but then she goes around talking to other guys.
She mentioned how when she goes by her friend Jenny’s house, her friend’s brother walks around in a tight speedo. She said he is a security guard. She was laughing and smiling.
We went to a gas station and the attendant was talking to both of us. I wasn’t getting a good vibe but my girlfriend loved to chat with him and kept smiling and talking to him. Then he told us “just drinks? buy more stuff! give me some business!” I just stood there but my girlfriend kept looking for other stuff. He said “take anything you want, honey” and she kept looking. She said, “you don’t have the gum I like”. I finally told the guy I was her boyfriend and she was with me. Later on I brought it up and she said I overreacted, that he was very nice, very friendly. She said he wasn’t flirting with her at all and she didn’t think anything of it. She said she doesn’t get flirted with often (and she sounded disappointed saying it).
She is so opposed to open relationships yet it seems like that is what she wants. Am I wrong to be jealous? Can you please explain her behavior?
Thanks in advance.

J

Hello J,

First, I want to commend you on the exceptionally mature approach you’re taking to the significance of your girlfriend’s behavior; not many guys, especially young guys, would lay out the situation in such an unbiased and thoughtful way.

I think the best way to address your question is to simply make a series of statements, my conclusions based on what you say. I’m immediately struck by how quickly your girlfriend wanted to be exclusive; sometimes this is a not-so-positive thing, as moving too fast can indicate someone who wants to pin you down, treating you more as a possession than an individual. But, you could just be a super-charming guy

Your assumption that people may only retain opposite sex friends that they knew before the relationship, however, is an unreasonable one. I’m sure that part of what attracted you to your girlfriend is her outgoing and open personality, and I understand that you may naturally worry that others will find this attractive, too–but to ask her to stop being who she is is to ask her to be other than the person you fell for–and that’s not right.

Now, to be fair, part of what she may like about you is the sense that all this bothers you; why else tell you about the friend’s brother and the tight Speedo? This suggests that there may be an element of sexual teasing in her nature that does not belong in a relationship; manipulating the feelings of one’s partner is not a kind or loving thing to do–that implies immaturity in the way she regards others, again treating you more like a plaything (to get a reaction from) than a person about whom she truly cares.

You seem like you are ready for a more committed relationship than this girl is capable of offering; you come across as a man who is looking to do the right thing by the person you’re involved with. And maybe that’s it: she sounds like a girl, playing with others’ emotions and creating sexual tension for a power-thrill, and what you need is a woman, who is ready to respect and care for you, a facet of which would be her willingness (within reason) to refrain from engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying this relationship while it lasts, but I would not take it seriously; I would not let her see that any of her behavior bothers you, and I’m betting that, sooner rather than later, she will behave in such a way (outrageous flirting, letting you catch her with someone else, deliberately baiting you) that makes it obvious that what she wants from you is a jealous reaction, not a real relationship. At that point I hope you’ll see that she’s just too immature for you, and that you’ll move on to someone who treats you with more kindness. The world’s a big place with a lot going on in it; you’ll soon see that putting your energy into this type of interaction is a waste of your time.

Much good luck, J–

Julie

 

Sharing Power

You may stay lonely, unless you take a good look at yourself Rossetti 1868 {{PD-Art}}

Dear Julie,

Hi! I’ve been having a rough couple of three years. In the past few years, I’ve gone through a lot of pain surrounding my childhood and my fears pertaining to men and relationships have surfaced. I do not know how to control or manage my fears regarding men and sex. I can’t function properly on a daily basis as I am overwhelmed my fears, and afraid of my own thoughts.  If I were to read anything that remotely suggests sex, I begin to panic. I’m highly uncomfortable with people talking about sex, especially men. The ease with which women talk about sex escapes me. I’ve seen cases in which people disrespect their sex partners, and I use that as reason for me not to engage with anyone of the opposite sex. I’ve not had any serious relationships. Sometimes, I feel safe from hurt. Other times, I’m lonely but I remind myself nobody can hurt me this way. I have a push and pull dynamic in place when it comes to love matters. I want to experience love but the fear or abandonment and betrayal have me running. I have a deep-rooted fear someone using me, disrespecting me, and taking advantage of me.I have an unexplainable, and somewhat irrational fear of sex.

I would greatly appreciate it if you could help me figure things out or what exactly I am supposed to learn because I’m drawing a blank. I was born on dd/mm/yyyy at xxx in xxx. I understand if you are unable to do so, but thank you nonetheless for reading my email. Thank you very much.

S.

Hello S,

After studying your natal chart, I think I see a few possible explanations for your plight. First let me say that your straightforward and rational presentation of your case suggests to me that you are truly open to hearing about what may not be functioning at an optimal perceptual level for you–and that makes me more than willing to address your issues, and, hopefully, to help.

Since you use the word ‘fear’ repeatedly to describe your experience, I looked first at Saturn, our natural connection to reality and main signifier of both worldly ambitions and fears. Your Capricorn Saturn sits in the 7th House–right away we get hints that you may be projecting your own attitudes onto others–and is in a very interesting (and complex) aspect situation. Saturn’s companions in the 7th are Uranus, the Sun (ruler of childhood experiences 3rd), and Neptune, all, including Saturn, within a 10 degree spread, and so considered conjunct natally. But, there’s more! Saturn is also conjunct the Moon and Mercury (chart ruler) in Capricorn in the 8th, and Venus in Aquarius in the 8th (though Vesta in Aquarius sits just outside the max natal orb for a conjunction).

Just with this, we can see a few things: contained emotions (Saturn conjunct the Moon, Moon in Cap), a desire to approach relationship on an intellectual level (Venus in Aquarius), a weakness for delusion (Neptune), and a Ceres/ Jupiter conjunction in the 1st, just below the Ascendant, suggests a too-strong identification with the powerful goddess literally in charge of all nature (and I say “too-strong” as the exaggeration factor of Jupiter may point to a dominant Self-concept that leaves no room for a partner–Mother Nature has no spouse!)

Saturn also sextiles Juno and Pluto, opposes Earth and Chiron, quincunxes the South Node and trines Sedna–with this last aspect making it very difficult to see one’s own Saturn, and by extension, any of the ways Saturn interacts with the other energies (and at least potentially, Sedna will aspect some of the other players in the Saturn drama–this, plus Neptune’s involvement, is probably why you are “drawing a blank,” as you say in your letter, over the whole situation). All this active contact suggests that Saturn is a huge player in your life–yet may remain hidden (Sedna), not just from your consciousness, but from showing its importance via projection; in other words, all your Saturn issues, both positive and negative, may appear to originate, be caused by, or spring from others and/ or reality (another Saturn concept), thus it’s easy to convince yourself that there’s a good, solid reason why you react the way you do (even though you show keen Self-awareness as you state you know your fears are irrational).

This is such a complex chart (in terms of the contacts and interrelatedness of the various bodies) that I’m going to go straight for my interpretation, as outlining it would be an almost endless task. In general, I’d say there are two major components to your fear experience: one concerns repression of many many facets of your own Beingness, either from judging them to be ‘wrong’ in some fashion or from social rules, teachings, and traditions, and the other concerns your idea of personal power, and your extreme reluctance to open yourself to anything that might force you to compromise your own power position or to share your power with another.

Now I know many people do not really accept that they have any power at all; they point to modest life circumstances, to a subordinate social or work position, or to their own lack of interest at exerting their Will on others, and claim that power is not a relationship they have–but au contraire, this is a relationship each of us has, each and every hour of every day. To have no personal power is to be dead; if we are alive at all, we are still involved with expressing our Will, and exerting our influence, no matter how subdued this appears to be.

When we look at both the repression factor and the power factor simultaneously, what we see is someone who is holding very tightly to her own autonomy, who is, in fact, in a power struggle with a potential partner long before that partner arrives. You appear to associate relationships and all related aspects (such as sex) as presenting you with a totally unacceptable loss of power–but if one sees the sharing of power within relationship as something not allowable (and there is no way to be in a relationship without in some way letting another person share in your life energy, in your power) it’s a natural ‘next step’ to label this as ‘fear’–and indeed, it is a form of fear, the kind that arises when one is threatened by any suggestion that another could have an effect on your situation.

The repression aspect of things seems largely to be about rejecting certain parts of normal human nature because you so strongly judge these to be inferior inclinations, or ‘bad.’ This is likely from making strict internal judgments that view one as superior if one is not involved in passionate relationships, perhaps seeing others in these circumstances as weak or silly–and there may be some idea of marriage and sex as highly destructive forces–and so staying away from them may convey in the unconscious a strong feeling of superiority (this is suggested by several components of the chart, though the Juno/ Pluto conjunction in the 5th is alone enough to draw this conclusion) .

You do see the potential for positive man/ woman relationships, but this contrasts with some of your most serious and deeply held beliefs that marriage (or the idea of dedicating oneself to another) and sex (or the idea of union with, and therefore vulnerability to, another), are negative, which suggests two things: that you are not only resistant to being vulnerable to another (which is perfectly understandable–no woman should feel at the mercy of anyone else), but also that you are determined to keep all power for yourself, as there seems to be a deeply seated distrust of others, along with a deep desire to hold all the power cards–so it’s not just fear of vulnerability, but an actual desire to be powerful yourself (and I believe this isn’t an ego thing at all, but a holdover from past life experience, where you were a very powerful, and possibly ruthless, man–hence you project your own previous attitudes on partners and onto the entire idea of man/ woman interaction).

The chart implies you see it as your duty to accept a man and to marry (and this could be a big part of the problem, not wanting to surrender any power over yourself to societal expectations, much less an individual husband), but it also says you have an exaggerated need to feel you are already complete in the sense of not needing an external animus component in your life. When one couches one’s feelings in terms of uncontrollable fear, one is then, essentially, granting the Self permission to avoid all feared contact–for if this is an emotional reaction, rampant and undefined, what can anyone do?

This is not to discount truly legitimate wounds and fears that you carry, S, as these are apparent in the chart, too; it’s just that these are no more prominent than for anyone else. The important point is that you are allowing beliefs and behavior to be fueled by an unreasonable desire to command what is really a co-operative arrangement (and by that I mean, the natural ebb and flow of human interaction). The fears are exaggerated because in making them so large, and thus including the pretense that sex is such an alien and disturbing concept, you create the perfect scenario for excusing the need to ever allow another to share power (love) in your life.

There is hope for you, in that, if you can approach relationship from an autonomous, willing, and loving viewpoint, where you do not feel in any way coerced, pressured, obligated, and do not feel that a man’s sexual attention is an attention that takes your power from you, then you can engage quite happily in a relationship (and you’d be surprised, that many women feel quite vulnerable when a man shows sexual interest or attention, as it has a quality that can be truly frightening, a consuming quality that can certainly be felt as one that robs the female of something essential–and I think this is what you’re fixing on and responding to). Instead realize that this is simply an energy of sharing. Your biggest problem may be that, in trying to keep anyone from taking anything away from you, you’ve closed off your ability to receive something from another, as well–which is precisely the situation of the sex act, and any dynamic relationship.

You seem like a truly lovely person, intelligent and kind–I don’t think it’s that far a leap for you to exorcise the idea that you must call all the shots and hold all the power, and to invite a relationship of equals, a loving, gentle, and fulfilling interaction, into your life.

Best wishes, S,

jd

 

Are You In a Toxic Relationship?

H. Bosch {{PD-Art}}

Excellent assistance in helping you realize whether you’re in an abusive relationship from Drs. Tracy Latz and Marion Ross here

 

Telling It Like It Is

'The Bride' Brown 1869 {{PD-Art}}

In my experience, this article encapsulates the reasons 99 percent of people who want to be married aren’t–with the sole problem typically being not a lack of awareness but a lack of willingness–to see oneself clearly, to be open to change, to be flexible in what one requires. Thanks to Rae Indigo for sharing this on facebook.

 

On Energy Vampires

From Le Fanu's vampire story 1872

Some excellent advice, from Dr. Judith Orloff on energy vampires

 

‘What You’re Asking’: Man-Problems by Sign

From the recent search-term trends, it seems the ladies are having some trouble understanding their men, and they’re seeking some insight via Sun signs. As my regular readers know, I’m not keen on generalized pronouncements based on Sun placement; if you want to be able to classify individuals with an appropriate label, it’s better to look at all the major placements and see where the ‘weight’ of the chart is. Of course, look at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant first, as these carry the most influence in terms of expression and personality. Look too for stelliums, many placements in the same sign or element, and for a man look carefully at how Mars’ placement ties in to the identity triumvirate of Sun, Moon, and Ascendant; for a woman look to Venus and her influence. Look also at what the Sun and Moon rule, and at the condition of any dispositors of the big three. (For example, if you have Sun in Taurus and you’re looking for its final dispositor, you look to Venus, ruler of Taurus–in our example this is in Gemini, which is ruled by Mercury, and we find Mercury in Gemini, its own sign–making Mercury the final dispositor of the Sun, since we have no more path to follow. This small sample suggests that Gemini would be a strong sign in the chart, stronger than might first appear, and possibly a more accurate descriptor of inclinations than the Taurus Sun might be).

So, look for what has a strong influence, study subtle energies, and be open to other-than Sun-sign dominance–but of course, always keep it somewhere in your mind, as this is the symbol of the Soul in its present state and intents–and so ultimately always says a great deal about a person’s aims in this life; we don’t always see it as dominating behavior since ‘surface’ energies are often keyed more strongly to Moon, chart ruler (Ascendant ruler), or ruler of the Sun.

All that said and done, you’ll still be able to give someone a label, either by element or sign–and now to our first search term, all answered with the assumption that this is the most characteristic energy for the individual:

what gemini men fear

Gemini men fear a general selection of the things everyone else fears (snakes, heights, bad hair days, waking up naked in public) and one other, tiny thing: words. For Gemini, words have great power; whether they come in the form of conversation, an edict, or thoughts, the Gemini man is likely to be skittish in communication–his nightmare always begins with, ‘We need to talk.’ The result is two extremes, one where he either stops thinking under stress, or overthinks–but the result is always the same, a freeze-up and freeze-out of the mental faculties. That means he lacks an ability to receive or process information at the time this is most critical to himself and to his relationships. If you know that he will automatically receive any communication as stressful, then you can tailor your approach so that something else comes first–so dance with him, make love to him, give him an ice cream cone, and then very gently start communicating. If you can distract him and slip your thoughts over to him like sliding an envelope filled with important papers into a relaxed hand, you’ve got a chance to slip past the fear and initiate communication on a level where he’s very very adept.

how to get a point across to a scorpio man

Your first mistake is to think you’re not getting your point across; Scorpio will retreat at the sting of your idea and show an indifferent exterior, though he’s likely seething inside. He gets ‘it,’ whatever it is; the more you harangue him the more solid will be the appearance of a stony visage that reads like ‘I don’t get it,’ but is really, ‘Step back before I lose my temper.’ When you insist he doesn’t get it, he’s only insulted. Keep a distance, and keep your dignity; Scorpio thinks a great deal less of those who are openly needy or demanding–for them, emotions are to be held deep inside, not splashed all over like cheap perfume.

There’s something else to consider here: that you may carry the belief that, if he got your point, he would agree with it–accompanied by the belief that anyone who doesn’t agree with you does so because they don’t get your reasoning. This attitude can poison the well of relationships, because it leaves no room for disagreement, and an automatic judgment on your part (whether you know you are making it or not) that the person who doesn’t agree with you is unable to grasp your reasoning–in other words, it’s like calling someone stupid, but reallly, really politely   Scorpio is especially adept at reading the below-the-surface messages, so he likely hears your message, doesn’t agree with it, and is angry at your assumptions–all while keeping a chilly stone wall in perfect repair between you.

the unfaithful capricorn

Ah, the duplicitous goat–he is the most loyal of companions, until he isn’t. As I’ve noted before in these pages, Cappy is there for you in the most practical and consistent of ways–and you know he’s withdrawn his affection, and sent it somewhere else, when he stops showing up in all those mundane, serious, day-to-day activities. With Cap, missing his carpool appointment or forgetting to pay the bills or failing to pick you up after work are the most solid declaration he’ll make that he’s not in love, anymore–and you may be hard pressed to get him to admit it, as this man will typically want to withdraw with honor, leaving things unsaid with a final exchange of handshakes and words of cool civility. For more emotional partners, this can be both devastating and carry an air of incompletion. It’s worth knowing, though, that Cap won’t kiss and tell, and will honor the time you did spend together–but if you’re hoping for a re-connection down the road, that’s unlikely–when Cap closes the door to his heart it usually stays very firmly shut–barricaded like a castle drawbridge, moat and all.

aquarius man disappearing act

My guess is that your Aquarius has been gone a lot longer than you think; his mind likely wandered way before his body hit the road. Knowing Aqua man (you don’t mind if I call him that, do you?) he arranged his leave-taking in detail, planning every step, getting everything ready and even developing a soundly-reasoned philosophical argument as to why this is best for you both–but you don’t get to hear this, as the final detail is to shock you with his disappearing act. The surprise and chaos he hopes to engender in you with his vanishing is an effect that feeds his Aquarian ego–so if you want to leave this interaction with some sense of pride and Self-possession, you’ll see that he’s already gone, and turn your attention elsewhere. Deprive this guy of what he really wants, to disturb the electric current of your Being, to take your energy, just for a time, and you leave the relationship having exerted some control over its finale, with your sense of yourself and your priorities intact.

Get relationship help with THE ASTROLOGY OF INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com

 

What You’re Asking: Eros in Public, An Emo Ghost, and Stalker Synastry

Eros conjunct the Midheaven

In the chart of an individual, Eros conjunct the Midheaven will likely manifest as an eroticization of the career or public function; in other words, he or she will be turned on by the professional role, and/or by their own exposure (and I use that word intentionally) in the public arena. This can have very innocent results–someone super-dedicated to the role they play in life can be the result, the consummate professional who excels because they’re truly dedicated to what they do–or it can bring about the kind of person who participates very eagerly in life–they ‘play the game’ with gusto. This can also be someone who thrives on the attention of the crowd, and particularly likes to hear about themselves and their reputations–a kind of reverse gossip, who wants to hear it all, as long as it’s about him or her! It can also signal someone who’s very open and honest about their proclivities, or someone who doesn’t mind others knowing what they truly are turned on by–they show preferences with no holding back, no shame, very healthy as they let others look on minus any hesitation about others knowing who they are–because to them, the private stuff lies elsewhere. And yes, it can also signal someone for whom their own public image is eroticized, with those observing seeing them as a sexual object, or as personifying an idealized sexual image as prescribed by the relevant society or even social circle. See an example here http://askjulie.wordpress.com/the-lens-of-eros/

Cross-chart, if one person’s Eros conjuncts another’s MC, we see the Eros person turned on by the career and/or public image of the other person–this could be a celebrity-chaser, or someone who often finds themselves attracted to those that others admire, with or without it making any sense. The response of the MC person will depend largely on that person’s feeling about receiving that erotic projection; if it fts their own ideas about themselves, they may thoroughly enjoy it–if it’s at odds with the way they see themselves (or the way they believe the other person should perceive them) then it can be a disquieting experience to interact with the Eros individual–minds will be changed, or the MC person will beat feet out of there fast, out of sheer discomfort!

Don’t confuse Eros with love; it is, instead, focused desire with the intention to possess that upon which it’s fixed–and though sometimes that feels like love, it’s really a type of projection, a decision to mentally overlay the person or object (because yes, they call fetishes and toys and talismans and such ‘erotica’ for a reason!) with sexual meaning.

Do Gemini men indulge in adultery?

They’re human, aren’t they? No sign is immune to any behavior,  just as no sign guarantees a behavior–we’re much more complex than that. Here’s my thought: if you’re asking the question, then you’re not feeling secure in the relationship–so the next issue becomes, Is it you, or is it him? Sometimes we project our own proclivities onto others; in this case, you might be prone to stray yourself, or, more likely, you might be unreliable, and this could translate into a need to constantly be reassured in whatever life area you are least secure, in this case, the romantic one. Or, this could genuinely be your intuition speaking. Only you know for sure.

husband not emotionally there

My heart (and the hearts of many of my readers) definitely go out to you. It’s not easy trying to relate to someone who seems unreachable on any but an intellectual level. That said, we must acknowledge that your husband’s emotions exist–and it’s important to say this, as it’s easy to pretend that someone not showing emotion doesn’t have emotions. And that suggests that he’s either feeling alienated from his own emotions (via depression) or that he is hiding his feelings from you.

I don’t mean to be glib, but it seems to me that if your husband is not emotionally there, with you, then he must be somewhere else–and I think that in some circumstances, this is the reality we don’t want to face. If this happens to strike a chord with you, the first thing you must do is face that, though a relationship consists of many facets, and connects at many levels, a marital relationship without emotional engagement basically negates all but the legal definition of the pact; marriage is, at its very essence, an emotional communion–and without that, you may be looking at the fact that the marriage no longer exists.

It’s essential that you understand a few things before you make any decisions or pronouncements: that your husband has disengaged for a reason–it may be one he needs help with (like depression) or may be one he will fiercely deny or defend against (infidelity, emotional or physical, a change in his feelings toward you, a spiritual path that may have turned him strongly toward considering only himself–and this latter should’ve lead him to formally end a relationship with you long before, so it’s not a more ‘noble’ excuse). You must also recognize that you cannot control his responses, nor should you try; though there may be a feeling that he ‘owes you’ (as implied by some readings of the marriage vows) sorting this out is not helped by judgments or demands, though it’s true that as your partner, he needs to acknowledge and deal with his own disengagement. You must also acknowledge your own, true feelings; sometimes we are as disengaged as our partner, but don’t want to see it–and sometimes we simply want to extract ‘payment’ in some form, for the pain we feel they’ve caused–but in both instances, we may not love anymore, ourselves, and are misrepresenting our own position, out of righteousness, as well as misunderstanding our own emotional state.

Sometimes we cannot get our partner, when he’s in this state, to speak in any meaningful way about existing circumstances, and in this case, it falls to you to decide how you feel (regardless of his feelings–after all, your feelings aren’t dependent on his, are they? And if they are, then it’s high time this relationship was examined, anyway). You only have control of yourself, so once you determine your own feelings (and sort out your own needs) you’ll know whether this ghost husband is offering anything sustainable, anything that still retains the shape of a marriage, and it will be quite obvious what you must do from there. Good luck–

Why did Venus hate Psyche?

I think ‘hate’ is the wrong word here–I think Venus was threatened by Psyche’s beauty, and that would make her both envious (wanting what Psyche has) and jealous (when Venus’ son Eros, whose full attention Venus had up to this point, falls in love with Psyche–Venus wants the attention of Eros, that Psyche now has). It just illustrates the idea that a woman who tries to destroy another woman hates a little part of herself–not a pretty picture at all.

stalker synastry

All synastry is highly dependent on the interaction of individual charts for ‘punch,’ and the synastry of a stalker to a stalkee could have any number of compelling aspects. A few include: the Pluto of the stalker to any identity energy (Sun, Moon, Venus for female, Mars for male, chart ruler, Sun or Moon ruler) of the stalked; Saturn of the stalker to these same identity energies (signalling a possible compulsion to control); Ceres (especially a female’s Ceres) to prominent chart energies; in negative Juno contact (usually more bossy than stalky); and Neptune prominent in the stalker’s chart and contacting significant energies of the stalkee–this latter obviously brings a high possibility of delusion into the mix. Still, so much depends on how these individuals use their energies, that just having some of these contacts doesn’t necessarily promise obsession–whew!

And check out this article for a really interesting account of youthful indiscretion–or perhaps, youthful optimism that sees things in a more romatic light than they warrant: http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/ class=”hiddenSpellError” pre=”">jun/07/lynn-barber-virginity-relationships

 

Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act 4

Hi Julie, My relationship quandry…my husband has just been diagnosed with diabetes and I do not want to deal with it. What is the matter with me? He seems happy to always have to be at the doctor’s or taking more medications and I become very rude to him when he starts discussing it. I feel he can best help himself by eating right and trying to get away from all those prescriptions. He is now up to a dozen a day. Am I being completely cold in this relationship? Should I try harder? Thank you.

Hi T,

First, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to balk at taking on your husband’s health burdens, and it seems specifically that you may feel this way because he appears to glory in the ritual, routine, and attention that comes with a chronic health condition. There are two things to look at here: why does your husband seem to need this particular kind of attention so much? and, what underlies your reaction to his situation?

When we look at your husband’s chart, we see recent transits that likely brought this health condition forward (T Saturn conjunct natal Mercury, ruler of the 6th of health), and we also see that he has been under quite a bit of stress emotionally (T Pluto recently contacted natal Chiron, and is now square his Moon). His natal Moon is in Aries, a position that naturally calls for him to be the center of attention on the emotional front, and a Pluto transit to first Chiron, unearthing hurt at a primal level, then the Moon, bringing an intense effect that may have felt to him like obliteration, could have triggered (or at least, greatly exacerbated) the natal emotional requirement to put ‘Me First.’

Your uncharacteristically unempathetic response shows in recent transits to your own chart, transits that likely have left you feeling much less of a need to engage deeply with others if that engagement was draining to you in some way, especially emotionally. Transiting Saturn has been over your Vesta, suppressing your feeling of commitment to the home front and the sexual partner, and perhaps lessening the idea that one must uphold those sacred institutions (like marriage) that you are normally a strong supporter of; and transiting Neptune is conjunct Juno in the 5th, obscuring from your view your natural means of empowerment, one venue of which is through the romantic relationship. So, the coolness you’re feeling right now is not surprising, nor does it indicate a cold heart or indifference–it’s just the way the wind’s blowing for you, currently.  And, with ruler of the 7th posited in the 2nd natally, the state of your significant other feels like it relates directly to your Self-worth and Self-image–so an ill partner may read as something to get away from, rather than coddle, support, or indulge.

And it does feel like indulgence to you that your husband is engaged in–and here’s where we must lay it all out. His behavior is undoubtedly too involved in relishing his own illness, but this seems to be an indication of his Moon’s needs, and right now, this illness which has shaken him to his core (whether this shows or not) needs to be acknowledged as a ‘Big Thing.’ Irritating as it may be, he truly needs to put all his energy and attention into dealing with this illness, as at present the illness defines him emotionally–and if the illness gets taken care of, then he’s taken care of, nurtured, loved, too.

For you, though your reaction is totally understandable and one with which many will sympathize, if you love your husband, you need to take a step back and get a slightly more objective view of things. You seem to be reacting out of your own need to separate your sense of yourself from your partner, and this is certainly fine, but ultimately Self- and relationship-sabotaging, as love and relationship require that we see and acknowledge the needs of our partner, and right now he needs you. The Moon rules his 7th, so every emotional assault he suffers tends to make him turn to you for support. There is also the matter of you judging him; though the amount of attention he needs may seem over-the-top to you, variation in need must be recognized (of course, there’s the matter of, if you’d known when you got together how needy he was, you may not have gotten together–but don’t we always have knowledge of the depths of our partners all along, whether we admit it or not? And so we must see that we choose them both because of and in spite of their qualities).

I think if you give your husband’s emotional needs all the ‘Me First’ attention and support they require, you will find within your husband, not the emotional black hole I believe you anticipate, but instead a renewed confidence and Self-assurance that was probably a big draw for you initially in the relationship in the first place. Approaching his needs with a non-judgmental attitude and a willingness to fill the bucket indefinitely will, conversely, shorten the time during which you must deal with his exaggerated need, so, though it may be contra-intuitive for you, I would suggest you give him the ego and emotional support he needs, especially because, we should note, Mars is a prominent part of the equation, and he may feel that his manhood is threatened along with his health–your job is to let him know it’s not.

My best to you both,

jd

 

Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act 3

you like ‘interesting situations’ so here goes:

I made the mistake of reading ahead for me, on ’x’ website, Mr. Y writes these extended horoscopes & i find sometimes they are a wee bit negative at times; kinda got depressed. I have a wonderful man in my life, who i know from h.s. and college–we were just friends back then but via facebook, after 20 years, found each other again, but now, things have gotten romantic. go figure however, a. after a lifetime of heartbreak, he’s not one to get into a committed relationship (tho he calls & is attentive every day), because he feels depressed at times/in a dark place b. he wants to move to LA where i live from NY but for his career predominantly, not for me (tho obviously it would be nice if things were to work once he did get out here). (he is an electrician/musician but wants to be a film composer.) And yet it is wonderful and close at times…really hoping he finds the courage to move here…

After reading these transits (i have put them all in this email) i am worried–if i stick it out, will this relationship eventually solidify? makes me sad to know that this one may not work

in his chart, i can see one transit which deals w him possibly being involved w a younger woman but of course, that’s
just Mr. Y’s interpretation
thanks!

Hi! Since you’ve not supplied a name, I’ll call you Natasha, and like every lovely, exotic, smokey-throated beauty you’re seeking your Boris, that man who’s a perfect partner for you. So, you have the man in your life, and you go looking for information, and what do you (like any curious person would) do? You find transit meanings written by one of the foremost astrologers of our day, and you apply them to the charts of yourself and your smitten kitten, and you believe them–and that last step is where you go horribly, terribly, awfully wrong.

It’s an act of Self-sabotage to assess your relationship in this way–this is where I give the lecture about it being very, very imprudent to interpret a chart a piece at a time–because you end up confused, freaked out, worried, and not much better informed than you started out, and that’s because every transit, for true accuracy and relevance, must be interpreted within the context of the whole chart, and must be scaled to the circumstances of the life. So no matter how good a description is offered of a particular transit, you must use it only as a guideline–and here’s where I say that you must also be aware of the fact that each astrologer is offering interpretation that is unavoidably colored by their personal experience to some degree (some far more than others–one prominent astrologer, who has contributed immensely to the field, is wonderful on theory but tends to interpret every individual chart seen as the chart of someone dysfunctional, injured by heavy family dynamics, likely violated in some form and thus permanently scarred, and any rejection of this idea is labeled ‘denial’–it becomes just like the sane person slapped into the mental institution–the expectations of everyone the person comes in contact with are that anything said is the utterance of someone unbalanced–and suddenly even normal, healthy assertion is seen in a completely inaccurate light!) Put all those factors together, and you’ll understand that reading single interpretations one after the other (and perhaps selectively pulling parts of the interpretations from each as relevant) gives you a goulash that fails to illuminate the life one iota.

Further, Natasha, you may be missing the instrument you really need here, as isn’t this about whether you two will end up together or not? And that requires a comparison of the two natal charts to show points of contact and compatibility (I don’t use composites, though others swear by them and get good results, just because a relationship is an interaction between two people–you don’t lose your individuality and become one melded blob, in my view, though I can think of a few relationships that resemble big melded blobs!)–because isn’t it the strength of what’s between you that counts?

 So I took the liberty of peeking at your chart interaction, and here are a few tidbits: you each see the other as ‘mate’ worthy material, especially you, with his Jupiter conjunct your North Node, which likely feels like being with this guy could deliver the world to you–an exciting feeling, and reciprocally this contact says he likely is very generous in aiding you in your destined direction–though that doesn’t necessarily include him. There is a repeated dynamic between you that suggests struggle, especially struggle between anima energies (this can often show as almost a competition as to who’s more sensitive, who’s more feeling, who’s more creative, artistic, receptive to the sensory world); however, this can be a very, very quiet kind of struggle, not at all overt, so it may read like harmony that can’t get itself together because life circumstances just won’t oblige–there’s always a little something winkling in, a fly in the ointment of your mutual plans, so the refrain becomes, once this is done, worked out, surmounted, we can finally be together. The question then becomes, will you be? Maybe, though chances go lower with your Mercury conjunct his Neptune–that is almost a guaranteed form where the Neptune party resists hearing the Mercury person’s message, and where the Mercury person doesn’t understand what’s conveyed by the Neptune person, either, as every time she tries to communicate with him, it seems impossible to pin him down. But, here’s where personal circumstances come in–since he is a musician, attuned to Neptune (pardon the pun), you could be a source of ideas and inspiration for him, and he a source of inspiration (to communicate) for you–you may almost literally ‘speak’ to his music-oriented persona.

Find an astrologer you trust to assess the chart interaction in full, if you’re so moved, and don’t worry–the form transits take doesn’t trump reality, they reflect it, so if you’re feeling the relationship is essentially good, go with it–and forget it, there’s no such thing as a ‘younger woman comes along and seduces him’ transit!

Good luck, Nat–I hope things work out for you and your musician–

jd

 

Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act Two

I am very interested in knowing the right time to meet a life partner (man) for the rest of my life. Afraid to have another one for fear it hurts worse when it ends. Cannot have the wind knocked out of my sails again. Two years ago, betrayed by x-boyfriend who went with my x-friend.  D

Dear D,

Who isn’t interested in knowing this? But it is Self-sabotaging to refuse to participate in relationship unless you get a guarantee that this person won’t hurt you–and that only happens if you’re not involved emotionally, so how rewarding or interesting could that relationship be? Not to mention he won’t find it terribly compelling to date someone who literally does not care. You may think it’s more reasonable to request the right time to meet the perfect life partner, than to request to directly know who he is and when he’s arriving–but the fact is that again, you’re asking for a guarantee, as if everything is pre-determined and I just have to look it up–and it’s not.

Take care or, confused, he could ride right on by

It almost sounds like you are hoping to know precisely the right time to lower the emotional drawbridge and let prince charming cross into your heart. I don’t blame you one bit–who wants to be hurt if they don’t need to be? But that is exactly the point: if you don’t stay open to relationship, you won’t have the heart opening, bending, and molding experiences that will make you the exact right person for the life partner when he does come along–he will instead see only a castle with a lovely damsel in it and an impassable moat–and he will ride right on by.

Damsels must remain emotionally accessible, in order to find love.

So please, D, consider that life really is, to use a tired old cliche that is absolutely correct, a journey, and know that the answer isn’t closing up emotional shop until a specified period of time–what if I gave you a possible time to meet an excellent partner, and some boob muscled in there ahead of the ‘right’ guy and you opened up to him, thinking it was the right guy–what a mess! Then you’d think astrology was a crock (or perhaps that I’m incompetent), or that maybe there was no one for you, and all the while the right one was there, waving from afar, and your skewed timing, your insistence on trying to control the experience, meant the two of you would never meet?

No, if you want love, you have to continue to love, it’s that simple. The real challenge is not to mistake attraction, lust, mating fever, an image, desperation, or hormones for love–we all do, and that’s what leads to 90% of heartbreak. So, concentrate on recognizing, seeing, and participating in real love all you can–and it will come to you, just exactly when it should.

And an aside to D and all who would look for information from an astrologer: we need date, time, and place–without ALL of these, we cannot draw an accurate chart–and no, time zones cannot be used in place of location. jd