“Am I Wrong to be Jealous?”

Kirchner 1930 {{PD-Art}}

I am a 25 year-old male and I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a month. She asked me to be official on our second date and I said yes. She shows me lots of attention and meets me often but she loves talking to new people. She is always chatting with the pizza clerk or server, whether it’s a guy or girl. If it’s a guy she’s still smiling at him and talking to him in front of me. One time she gave the IHOP server a big tip and joked with him. She tells me we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I told her that is fine as long as we had those friends already and we are platonic with them. She agreed but then she goes around talking to other guys.
She mentioned how when she goes by her friend Jenny’s house, her friend’s brother walks around in a tight speedo. She said he is a security guard. She was laughing and smiling.
We went to a gas station and the attendant was talking to both of us. I wasn’t getting a good vibe but my girlfriend loved to chat with him and kept smiling and talking to him. Then he told us “just drinks? buy more stuff! give me some business!” I just stood there but my girlfriend kept looking for other stuff. He said “take anything you want, honey” and she kept looking. She said, “you don’t have the gum I like”. I finally told the guy I was her boyfriend and she was with me. Later on I brought it up and she said I overreacted, that he was very nice, very friendly. She said he wasn’t flirting with her at all and she didn’t think anything of it. She said she doesn’t get flirted with often (and she sounded disappointed saying it).
She is so opposed to open relationships yet it seems like that is what she wants. Am I wrong to be jealous? Can you please explain her behavior?
Thanks in advance.

J

Hello J,

First, I want to commend you on the exceptionally mature approach you’re taking to the significance of your girlfriend’s behavior; not many guys, especially young guys, would lay out the situation in such an unbiased and thoughtful way.

I think the best way to address your question is to simply make a series of statements, my conclusions based on what you say. I’m immediately struck by how quickly your girlfriend wanted to be exclusive; sometimes this is a not-so-positive thing, as moving too fast can indicate someone who wants to pin you down, treating you more as a possession than an individual. But, you could just be a super-charming guy

Your assumption that people may only retain opposite sex friends that they knew before the relationship, however, is an unreasonable one. I’m sure that part of what attracted you to your girlfriend is her outgoing and open personality, and I understand that you may naturally worry that others will find this attractive, too–but to ask her to stop being who she is is to ask her to be other than the person you fell for–and that’s not right.

Now, to be fair, part of what she may like about you is the sense that all this bothers you; why else tell you about the friend’s brother and the tight Speedo? This suggests that there may be an element of sexual teasing in her nature that does not belong in a relationship; manipulating the feelings of one’s partner is not a kind or loving thing to do–that implies immaturity in the way she regards others, again treating you more like a plaything (to get a reaction from) than a person about whom she truly cares.

You seem like you are ready for a more committed relationship than this girl is capable of offering; you come across as a man who is looking to do the right thing by the person you’re involved with. And maybe that’s it: she sounds like a girl, playing with others’ emotions and creating sexual tension for a power-thrill, and what you need is a woman, who is ready to respect and care for you, a facet of which would be her willingness (within reason) to refrain from engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying this relationship while it lasts, but I would not take it seriously; I would not let her see that any of her behavior bothers you, and I’m betting that, sooner rather than later, she will behave in such a way (outrageous flirting, letting you catch her with someone else, deliberately baiting you) that makes it obvious that what she wants from you is a jealous reaction, not a real relationship. At that point I hope you’ll see that she’s just too immature for you, and that you’ll move on to someone who treats you with more kindness. The world’s a big place with a lot going on in it; you’ll soon see that putting your energy into this type of interaction is a waste of your time.

Much good luck, J–

Julie

 

Sharing Power

You may stay lonely, unless you take a good look at yourself Rossetti 1868 {{PD-Art}}

Dear Julie,

Hi! I’ve been having a rough couple of three years. In the past few years, I’ve gone through a lot of pain surrounding my childhood and my fears pertaining to men and relationships have surfaced. I do not know how to control or manage my fears regarding men and sex. I can’t function properly on a daily basis as I am overwhelmed my fears, and afraid of my own thoughts.  If I were to read anything that remotely suggests sex, I begin to panic. I’m highly uncomfortable with people talking about sex, especially men. The ease with which women talk about sex escapes me. I’ve seen cases in which people disrespect their sex partners, and I use that as reason for me not to engage with anyone of the opposite sex. I’ve not had any serious relationships. Sometimes, I feel safe from hurt. Other times, I’m lonely but I remind myself nobody can hurt me this way. I have a push and pull dynamic in place when it comes to love matters. I want to experience love but the fear or abandonment and betrayal have me running. I have a deep-rooted fear someone using me, disrespecting me, and taking advantage of me.I have an unexplainable, and somewhat irrational fear of sex.

I would greatly appreciate it if you could help me figure things out or what exactly I am supposed to learn because I’m drawing a blank. I was born on dd/mm/yyyy at xxx in xxx. I understand if you are unable to do so, but thank you nonetheless for reading my email. Thank you very much.

S.

Hello S,

After studying your natal chart, I think I see a few possible explanations for your plight. First let me say that your straightforward and rational presentation of your case suggests to me that you are truly open to hearing about what may not be functioning at an optimal perceptual level for you–and that makes me more than willing to address your issues, and, hopefully, to help.

Since you use the word ‘fear’ repeatedly to describe your experience, I looked first at Saturn, our natural connection to reality and main signifier of both worldly ambitions and fears. Your Capricorn Saturn sits in the 7th House–right away we get hints that you may be projecting your own attitudes onto others–and is in a very interesting (and complex) aspect situation. Saturn’s companions in the 7th are Uranus, the Sun (ruler of childhood experiences 3rd), and Neptune, all, including Saturn, within a 10 degree spread, and so considered conjunct natally. But, there’s more! Saturn is also conjunct the Moon and Mercury (chart ruler) in Capricorn in the 8th, and Venus in Aquarius in the 8th (though Vesta in Aquarius sits just outside the max natal orb for a conjunction).

Just with this, we can see a few things: contained emotions (Saturn conjunct the Moon, Moon in Cap), a desire to approach relationship on an intellectual level (Venus in Aquarius), a weakness for delusion (Neptune), and a Ceres/ Jupiter conjunction in the 1st, just below the Ascendant, suggests a too-strong identification with the powerful goddess literally in charge of all nature (and I say “too-strong” as the exaggeration factor of Jupiter may point to a dominant Self-concept that leaves no room for a partner–Mother Nature has no spouse!)

Saturn also sextiles Juno and Pluto, opposes Earth and Chiron, quincunxes the South Node and trines Sedna–with this last aspect making it very difficult to see one’s own Saturn, and by extension, any of the ways Saturn interacts with the other energies (and at least potentially, Sedna will aspect some of the other players in the Saturn drama–this, plus Neptune’s involvement, is probably why you are “drawing a blank,” as you say in your letter, over the whole situation). All this active contact suggests that Saturn is a huge player in your life–yet may remain hidden (Sedna), not just from your consciousness, but from showing its importance via projection; in other words, all your Saturn issues, both positive and negative, may appear to originate, be caused by, or spring from others and/ or reality (another Saturn concept), thus it’s easy to convince yourself that there’s a good, solid reason why you react the way you do (even though you show keen Self-awareness as you state you know your fears are irrational).

This is such a complex chart (in terms of the contacts and interrelatedness of the various bodies) that I’m going to go straight for my interpretation, as outlining it would be an almost endless task. In general, I’d say there are two major components to your fear experience: one concerns repression of many many facets of your own Beingness, either from judging them to be ‘wrong’ in some fashion or from social rules, teachings, and traditions, and the other concerns your idea of personal power, and your extreme reluctance to open yourself to anything that might force you to compromise your own power position or to share your power with another.

Now I know many people do not really accept that they have any power at all; they point to modest life circumstances, to a subordinate social or work position, or to their own lack of interest at exerting their Will on others, and claim that power is not a relationship they have–but au contraire, this is a relationship each of us has, each and every hour of every day. To have no personal power is to be dead; if we are alive at all, we are still involved with expressing our Will, and exerting our influence, no matter how subdued this appears to be.

When we look at both the repression factor and the power factor simultaneously, what we see is someone who is holding very tightly to her own autonomy, who is, in fact, in a power struggle with a potential partner long before that partner arrives. You appear to associate relationships and all related aspects (such as sex) as presenting you with a totally unacceptable loss of power–but if one sees the sharing of power within relationship as something not allowable (and there is no way to be in a relationship without in some way letting another person share in your life energy, in your power) it’s a natural ‘next step’ to label this as ‘fear’–and indeed, it is a form of fear, the kind that arises when one is threatened by any suggestion that another could have an effect on your situation.

The repression aspect of things seems largely to be about rejecting certain parts of normal human nature because you so strongly judge these to be inferior inclinations, or ‘bad.’ This is likely from making strict internal judgments that view one as superior if one is not involved in passionate relationships, perhaps seeing others in these circumstances as weak or silly–and there may be some idea of marriage and sex as highly destructive forces–and so staying away from them may convey in the unconscious a strong feeling of superiority (this is suggested by several components of the chart, though the Juno/ Pluto conjunction in the 5th is alone enough to draw this conclusion) .

You do see the potential for positive man/ woman relationships, but this contrasts with some of your most serious and deeply held beliefs that marriage (or the idea of dedicating oneself to another) and sex (or the idea of union with, and therefore vulnerability to, another), are negative, which suggests two things: that you are not only resistant to being vulnerable to another (which is perfectly understandable–no woman should feel at the mercy of anyone else), but also that you are determined to keep all power for yourself, as there seems to be a deeply seated distrust of others, along with a deep desire to hold all the power cards–so it’s not just fear of vulnerability, but an actual desire to be powerful yourself (and I believe this isn’t an ego thing at all, but a holdover from past life experience, where you were a very powerful, and possibly ruthless, man–hence you project your own previous attitudes on partners and onto the entire idea of man/ woman interaction).

The chart implies you see it as your duty to accept a man and to marry (and this could be a big part of the problem, not wanting to surrender any power over yourself to societal expectations, much less an individual husband), but it also says you have an exaggerated need to feel you are already complete in the sense of not needing an external animus component in your life. When one couches one’s feelings in terms of uncontrollable fear, one is then, essentially, granting the Self permission to avoid all feared contact–for if this is an emotional reaction, rampant and undefined, what can anyone do?

This is not to discount truly legitimate wounds and fears that you carry, S, as these are apparent in the chart, too; it’s just that these are no more prominent than for anyone else. The important point is that you are allowing beliefs and behavior to be fueled by an unreasonable desire to command what is really a co-operative arrangement (and by that I mean, the natural ebb and flow of human interaction). The fears are exaggerated because in making them so large, and thus including the pretense that sex is such an alien and disturbing concept, you create the perfect scenario for excusing the need to ever allow another to share power (love) in your life.

There is hope for you, in that, if you can approach relationship from an autonomous, willing, and loving viewpoint, where you do not feel in any way coerced, pressured, obligated, and do not feel that a man’s sexual attention is an attention that takes your power from you, then you can engage quite happily in a relationship (and you’d be surprised, that many women feel quite vulnerable when a man shows sexual interest or attention, as it has a quality that can be truly frightening, a consuming quality that can certainly be felt as one that robs the female of something essential–and I think this is what you’re fixing on and responding to). Instead realize that this is simply an energy of sharing. Your biggest problem may be that, in trying to keep anyone from taking anything away from you, you’ve closed off your ability to receive something from another, as well–which is precisely the situation of the sex act, and any dynamic relationship.

You seem like a truly lovely person, intelligent and kind–I don’t think it’s that far a leap for you to exorcise the idea that you must call all the shots and hold all the power, and to invite a relationship of equals, a loving, gentle, and fulfilling interaction, into your life.

Best wishes, S,

jd

 

Are You In a Toxic Relationship?

H. Bosch {{PD-Art}}

Excellent assistance in helping you realize whether you’re in an abusive relationship from Drs. Tracy Latz and Marion Ross here

 

Telling It Like It Is

'The Bride' Brown 1869 {{PD-Art}}

In my experience, this article encapsulates the reasons 99 percent of people who want to be married aren’t–with the sole problem typically being not a lack of awareness but a lack of willingness–to see oneself clearly, to be open to change, to be flexible in what one requires. Thanks to Rae Indigo for sharing this on facebook.

 

Your Relationship Power Balance

A lot of us don’t think about our relationships in terms of power; we like to believe it’s all about romantic attraction, that exciting and mysterious energy that envelopes two people and has what feels like a magnetic quality. That’s the romance part, I think, that it seems we aren’t doing anything to make this electrical charge that creates a field around ourselves and our partner, a field that leaps to life just at the awareness that our special someone is near–so it’s easy to see why we approach partnership as if it’s almost magical (with the more serious-minded among us giving it the scientific-y sounding designation ‘chemistry’). But what underlies this almost supernatural-seeming connection is a real relationship between two individuals–and that means that all that electricity generated by the romance of sexual attraction is involved in a ‘power negotiation’ of major proportions.

So when the amps on the relationship go down, and you start to settle into a real engagement with the partner, blending the time and choices of your individual lives into one, where do you find the power chips falling? Whether you realize it or not, the entire time, from the first ‘hello,’ the two of you have been working out the power parameters of your interaction; who is allowed to do what, express what, show what, be what, have all been worked out. It’s almost like waking up in a fully-formed situation that you only begin to discover as the sheen of romance gives way to the microscopic clarity of every day life. Often, it feels like someone else came up with the arrangement–you find yourself wondering how it was decided that he can do whatever he wants, disappearing for hours (or days) at a time, while you must let him know every detail of your schedule, or you can’t figure out how she moved in, rent free, but still expects you to take her out on a date every night and pay all the bills–and she doesn’t see the need to pitch in with the chores at all, declaring that since it’s your house, you should do it all! These situations can develop almost without our realizing, and the details can come as quite a shock when we see just how things shaped up.

In the natal chart, the location, placement, and interaction with the mate’s natal chart of the asteroid Juno can be extremely telling of the power balance that will exist within a relationship. For the female, Juno is the symbol of her own Self-empowerment–but it’s a long journey from Juno’s initial attempts to gain influence through relationships, exercise of authority, and status to the point of transpersonal expression, wherein Juno is motivated by her own internal strength and need to express. For a man, Juno tells us about who he wants to partner with, both personally and professionally, and its aspects can tell us a great deal about how he feels concerning women in general, and those with power specifically.

For instance, a man’s Juno conjunct a woman’s Venus gives us this: from his viewpoint, partnering with her would be like partnering with love, while from her viewpoint he would seem to have an ideal attitude toward interdependent relationships. Does this indicate she’s his ideal woman? No, his ideal woman is shown by his Venus sign and placement–but, if the Juno/ Venus conjunction is in Virgo, and his Venus is in Capricorn, they might be compatible, as both are in Earth, showing a strong affinity, or if his Sun and/ or Mars are positively aspected to her Venus, this might also show harmony. His expectations for a mate coincide precisely with her values and aesthetics–he would see her as quite appealing, at least in those areas, and she might be financially appealing, as well, perhaps bringing her own means of earning into the relationship, or promising to be low or high maintenance, which meshes with the way he believes a woman should behave. For her, he presents with the conjunction as a very promising candidate for ‘mate’ status–but we’d also have to look at the rest of the chart interaction to see how well she and her empowerment needs would be supported. For example, if his Juno (and of course her Venus) was square her Moon, this suggests that he might not find her emotional needs appropriate for a mate–and she might not, either, since there is disparity in her natal Moon/ Venus square–and that means she may be prone to disregard her own emotional needs in order to make the relationship work. So, in some of these scenarios he would have a definite ‘power advantage,’ while in others she would fare much better–in the end it all depends on the totality of the relationship interaction.

Relationships are complicated things, not easily dissected, and certainly not adequately summed up in a few astrological measurements. Find out more here on Juno, empowerment, and the impact on relationships http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com/ or about relationships in all their glory here http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com/ scroll down to the second blurb

 

Are You An Annie or a Jane? The Full Quiz

Annie, ready for action {{PD}}

Annie Oakley and Jane Canary were two women of the American Wild West who made an unforgettable mark on the cultural landscape, each in her own unique style. As carriers of the Archetype of Venus (as all women carry this Archetype) they met relationships, especially romantic ones, with radically divergent approaches. One inspired abiding loyalty and admiration from the partner, but may have sacrificed spontaneity of expression, and may have avoided sampling a variety of life experiences as well as a variety of relationships–she may have settled for ‘good enough,’ for the nice guy who loved her, rather than sought out the partner that epitomized her ideal; the other repeatedly acted spontaneously, acting out with little care for the impression her choices left or the consequences they created, following her primal inclinations and yet allowing her image to be so wild (and anti-attractive by societal standards) that she may have blocked some relationships she longed for. In one case control of the Self and the image brought fame, stability, loyalty, high regard–but did it compromise the desire nature, or the romantic one? In the other case behavior rooted in the impulses and wants of the Self created an adversarial relationship with society that at once excluded and awarded a special, peripheral place–but that place was largely unable to fulfill intimate relationship needs and desires, so much did it contradict what was held up as appealing, and this makes us ask, Did the desire nature truly suffer, or did the outsider position allow a stance of unrequited love that, in a sense, allowed her to ‘have her cake and eat it too’?

Jane, also ready for action {{PD}}

Now the question becomes, Which prairie dame are you most like, in terms of love life? Do you sabotage what you want, do you ‘settle,’ do you act out, do you remain rigidly in control? Let’s see . . .

A. When you meet a new potential paramour, you are most likely to . . .

1. buy him or her many stiff drinks (or other intoxicant of choice), and at some point in the evening, either literally or figuratively, punch him or her in the face
2. directly compete, and persist until she or he rolls over and submits
3. be too shy to even make eye contact; you simply hover and hope they notice
4. behave in a very lady-like (or modest-manly) fashion, following all the formalities
5. introduce yourself, act like an adult, and avoid games all together
6. flirt shamelessly, pushing all the while for an ‘instant relationship’

B. Courtship for you typically consists of . . .

1. rough stuff
2. going about your business
3. losing your boundaries, inhibitions, and/ or mind on a regular basis, and telling the object of your affection exactly how you feel
4. allowing him or her to worship you, possibly only from afar
5. assessing how good a match you are, and proceeding at a reasonable rate to date, initiate physical intimacy, become engaged, and marry
6. flirting shamelessly, and pushing for more and more commitment

C. Which do you find most attractive? (Use real life as a guide)

1. Someone unavailable
2. Someone steadfast
3. Someone who keeps your relationship a secret–it makes it more exciting
4. Someone who’s more in love with you than you are with them
5. Someone your equal in social station, education, religious belief, and with a similar life agenda
6. The guy who gets you pregnant/ the girl who gets pregnant, or the one you quit your job and moved for

D. Your ideal date would be . . .

1. a wild night painting the town red, most of which you won’t remember
2. a quiet dinner, maybe with celebrities, and early to bed
3. a night around the campfire, getting to know each other, then sharing a bedroll under the stars
4. early dinner, target practice, then half the night spent traveling to the next town, or your modern-day equivalent–you never stop working

E. What do you really want?

1. Love
2. Success
3. Whatever you can’t have
4. Security

F. Do your love relationships tend to be . . .

1. an aggressive mis-match?
2. a situation where you are admired and adored, and your feelings are just a little cooler than your partner’s?
3. unrequited?
4. guarded, and carefully controlled?

The quiz, of course, isn’t in any way scientific, nor does it necessarily make sense! Your answers will, however, say a little something about how you approach things–so, take both questions and answers with a sense of humor and a figurative tongue-in-cheek, and know that though not everything in each answer will be right about you, some part of it will apply. For A, B, and C, 1. is 6 points, 2. is 5 points, 3. is 4 points and so on; for D, E, and F, 1. is 4 points, 2. is 3 points, and so on. And the conclusions are . . .

27-32 points: Though you’re trying hard to get what you want, more often than not relationships end in shambles, with every encounter almost certainly topped off by screaming, crying, vomiting, and/ or a general level of Self-sabotage that would astonish someone sober. It’s not your fault that your emotions are so compelling; the problem comes when you try to disguise or ignore them and they leak out anyway. Lack of acceptance of both yourself and your desires is the root of this extreme behavior, even if your extremism is manifesting in the opposite, a too-controlled affect. Try to cultivate healthy emotional expression and good manners, as there’s certainly a deficit of one, the other, or both.

22-26 points: You may get along very well socially, but closer inspection of your habits would show that you either pathologically don’t care or that you are afraid: of crazy actin’ in relationship, of emotional disorder, of what you see as the untidiness of love, and you particularly don’t want it to derail your career or life plans. A little loosening up in the activities department, plus a reminder that others have feelings, too, and you could be stepping on them inadvertently, will go a long way toward upping your social stock.

17-21 points: You are too cool by half; what you see as prudent may actually keep you from the warm interactions we all crave. Being a little more open, and a little more demonstrative, won’t hurt (though the fear of it doing so may be behind your regimentation and insistence on control). Try to relax and enjoy yourself–people like you!

13-16 points: behavior that is ghost-like may be the hallmark of your social presence; you may be overly sensitive and anticipate hurt, where others barely notice your modest input. Don’t be so shy, and realize that no one will reject you if you pretend to be invisible, but they can’t love you, either.

 9-12 points: You are all business–literally, relationships may be more like transactions for you. Let your heart out of its sad cage–I’m sure you have a wonderful smile, if you’d only dust it off and put it out for show.

6-8 points: You’re still waiting to grow up–meanwhile, stop dating and work on maturing your sense of obligation and responsibility. Learn a skill, make yourself attractive by pursuing your own interests.

FYI, I scored 22–and I do need to loosen up! 

There’s another way to look at the quiz. Mostly #1 answers says you incline toward the Self-destructive behaviors of Jane; her drinking and her outsider acting out were just ways of dealing with overwhelming feelings of vulnerability and emotions that didn’t know where to go, while mostly #2 says traits are more along the line of the extremely disciplined Annie, with emotions channeled to the ostensibly positive and socially acceptable, though maybe too buttoned-down and possibly denying the wilder and more adventurous urges. #3 in majority implies the sadder, shyer side of Jane may be dominant; this is the persona that finds it painful to interact, and may take on the guise of wallflower, just to get by. A preponderance of #4 says that there may be far too much control, taking the Annie coolness and guardedness to a new high.

The first three questions have two more choices each; #5 hints that you may be taking following social convention too far, and #6 speaks of the need to extricate the Self from adolescent drama involving others.

 

What You’re Asking: Eros in Public, An Emo Ghost, and Stalker Synastry

Eros conjunct the Midheaven

In the chart of an individual, Eros conjunct the Midheaven will likely manifest as an eroticization of the career or public function; in other words, he or she will be turned on by the professional role, and/or by their own exposure (and I use that word intentionally) in the public arena. This can have very innocent results–someone super-dedicated to the role they play in life can be the result, the consummate professional who excels because they’re truly dedicated to what they do–or it can bring about the kind of person who participates very eagerly in life–they ‘play the game’ with gusto. This can also be someone who thrives on the attention of the crowd, and particularly likes to hear about themselves and their reputations–a kind of reverse gossip, who wants to hear it all, as long as it’s about him or her! It can also signal someone who’s very open and honest about their proclivities, or someone who doesn’t mind others knowing what they truly are turned on by–they show preferences with no holding back, no shame, very healthy as they let others look on minus any hesitation about others knowing who they are–because to them, the private stuff lies elsewhere. And yes, it can also signal someone for whom their own public image is eroticized, with those observing seeing them as a sexual object, or as personifying an idealized sexual image as prescribed by the relevant society or even social circle. See an example here http://askjulie.wordpress.com/the-lens-of-eros/

Cross-chart, if one person’s Eros conjuncts another’s MC, we see the Eros person turned on by the career and/or public image of the other person–this could be a celebrity-chaser, or someone who often finds themselves attracted to those that others admire, with or without it making any sense. The response of the MC person will depend largely on that person’s feeling about receiving that erotic projection; if it fts their own ideas about themselves, they may thoroughly enjoy it–if it’s at odds with the way they see themselves (or the way they believe the other person should perceive them) then it can be a disquieting experience to interact with the Eros individual–minds will be changed, or the MC person will beat feet out of there fast, out of sheer discomfort!

Don’t confuse Eros with love; it is, instead, focused desire with the intention to possess that upon which it’s fixed–and though sometimes that feels like love, it’s really a type of projection, a decision to mentally overlay the person or object (because yes, they call fetishes and toys and talismans and such ‘erotica’ for a reason!) with sexual meaning.

Do Gemini men indulge in adultery?

They’re human, aren’t they? No sign is immune to any behavior,  just as no sign guarantees a behavior–we’re much more complex than that. Here’s my thought: if you’re asking the question, then you’re not feeling secure in the relationship–so the next issue becomes, Is it you, or is it him? Sometimes we project our own proclivities onto others; in this case, you might be prone to stray yourself, or, more likely, you might be unreliable, and this could translate into a need to constantly be reassured in whatever life area you are least secure, in this case, the romantic one. Or, this could genuinely be your intuition speaking. Only you know for sure.

husband not emotionally there

My heart (and the hearts of many of my readers) definitely go out to you. It’s not easy trying to relate to someone who seems unreachable on any but an intellectual level. That said, we must acknowledge that your husband’s emotions exist–and it’s important to say this, as it’s easy to pretend that someone not showing emotion doesn’t have emotions. And that suggests that he’s either feeling alienated from his own emotions (via depression) or that he is hiding his feelings from you.

I don’t mean to be glib, but it seems to me that if your husband is not emotionally there, with you, then he must be somewhere else–and I think that in some circumstances, this is the reality we don’t want to face. If this happens to strike a chord with you, the first thing you must do is face that, though a relationship consists of many facets, and connects at many levels, a marital relationship without emotional engagement basically negates all but the legal definition of the pact; marriage is, at its very essence, an emotional communion–and without that, you may be looking at the fact that the marriage no longer exists.

It’s essential that you understand a few things before you make any decisions or pronouncements: that your husband has disengaged for a reason–it may be one he needs help with (like depression) or may be one he will fiercely deny or defend against (infidelity, emotional or physical, a change in his feelings toward you, a spiritual path that may have turned him strongly toward considering only himself–and this latter should’ve lead him to formally end a relationship with you long before, so it’s not a more ‘noble’ excuse). You must also recognize that you cannot control his responses, nor should you try; though there may be a feeling that he ‘owes you’ (as implied by some readings of the marriage vows) sorting this out is not helped by judgments or demands, though it’s true that as your partner, he needs to acknowledge and deal with his own disengagement. You must also acknowledge your own, true feelings; sometimes we are as disengaged as our partner, but don’t want to see it–and sometimes we simply want to extract ‘payment’ in some form, for the pain we feel they’ve caused–but in both instances, we may not love anymore, ourselves, and are misrepresenting our own position, out of righteousness, as well as misunderstanding our own emotional state.

Sometimes we cannot get our partner, when he’s in this state, to speak in any meaningful way about existing circumstances, and in this case, it falls to you to decide how you feel (regardless of his feelings–after all, your feelings aren’t dependent on his, are they? And if they are, then it’s high time this relationship was examined, anyway). You only have control of yourself, so once you determine your own feelings (and sort out your own needs) you’ll know whether this ghost husband is offering anything sustainable, anything that still retains the shape of a marriage, and it will be quite obvious what you must do from there. Good luck–

Why did Venus hate Psyche?

I think ‘hate’ is the wrong word here–I think Venus was threatened by Psyche’s beauty, and that would make her both envious (wanting what Psyche has) and jealous (when Venus’ son Eros, whose full attention Venus had up to this point, falls in love with Psyche–Venus wants the attention of Eros, that Psyche now has). It just illustrates the idea that a woman who tries to destroy another woman hates a little part of herself–not a pretty picture at all.

stalker synastry

All synastry is highly dependent on the interaction of individual charts for ‘punch,’ and the synastry of a stalker to a stalkee could have any number of compelling aspects. A few include: the Pluto of the stalker to any identity energy (Sun, Moon, Venus for female, Mars for male, chart ruler, Sun or Moon ruler) of the stalked; Saturn of the stalker to these same identity energies (signalling a possible compulsion to control); Ceres (especially a female’s Ceres) to prominent chart energies; in negative Juno contact (usually more bossy than stalky); and Neptune prominent in the stalker’s chart and contacting significant energies of the stalkee–this latter obviously brings a high possibility of delusion into the mix. Still, so much depends on how these individuals use their energies, that just having some of these contacts doesn’t necessarily promise obsession–whew!

And check out this article for a really interesting account of youthful indiscretion–or perhaps, youthful optimism that sees things in a more romatic light than they warrant: http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/ class=”hiddenSpellError” pre=”">jun/07/lynn-barber-virginity-relationships

 

The Fixer-Upper: Boyfriend as Improvement Project

Let’s start by saying: this is never a good idea; seeing (or is it projecting?) the potential in a guy (or any partner–face it, looking for what someone could be knows no gender) is a set-up for disaster. When we see a mate as a fixer-upper, a Self-assigned improvement project, we should immediately realize a few things: that we do not respect this individual (no matter how much we protest that we do), that we don’t really like this individual (otherwise, why would we want to change them?) and that we are very likely avoidng recognizing and dealing with our own flaws and/ or issues by focusing on someone else. Not a pretty picture, but a very human one, understandable and forgivable.

What in the chart might indicate a propensity for this? It comes in many forms: a strong Neptune, for instance, may indicate a Rescuer, or someone who responds to the fantasy of the partner rather than to the real person, while a prominent Moon or Chiron may suggest we’re acting out of our own sense of woundedness in an attempt to ‘fix’ everything for everybody, and a str0ng Ceres or Juno in a woman’s chart could push her in the direction of mothering/smothering or seeking empowerment through a partnership, respectively.

Transits may also trigger these attitudes temporarily. Neptune, of course, could lead us down an unreal partnership path, while Saturn could demand that we get serious and build a life with someone–and we may just reach for the person at hand, hoping to slap on a coat of paint and get going. Uranus can give us a huge but impermanent case of oppositional defiant disorder–and the result can be that we throw over our typical behaviors in an attempt to prove our individuality, our uniqueness, or that we are free–and if we must prove we’re free, we likely really aren’t, while proving our uniqueness may involve discarding our true tastes and preferences. Pluto may prompt us to trash whatever we’re involved in, in order to either escape or transform the partner–and though Pluto may free us from a relationship we didn’t really want, it can push us to go too far, leaving a husk of a partner in our wake. Transits can be a minefield if we allow them to work at the unconscious level, and natal propensities call for the same level of awareness, the same willingness to recognize and express in a positive fashion.

 

Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act 4

Hi Julie, My relationship quandry…my husband has just been diagnosed with diabetes and I do not want to deal with it. What is the matter with me? He seems happy to always have to be at the doctor’s or taking more medications and I become very rude to him when he starts discussing it. I feel he can best help himself by eating right and trying to get away from all those prescriptions. He is now up to a dozen a day. Am I being completely cold in this relationship? Should I try harder? Thank you.

Hi T,

First, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to balk at taking on your husband’s health burdens, and it seems specifically that you may feel this way because he appears to glory in the ritual, routine, and attention that comes with a chronic health condition. There are two things to look at here: why does your husband seem to need this particular kind of attention so much? and, what underlies your reaction to his situation?

When we look at your husband’s chart, we see recent transits that likely brought this health condition forward (T Saturn conjunct natal Mercury, ruler of the 6th of health), and we also see that he has been under quite a bit of stress emotionally (T Pluto recently contacted natal Chiron, and is now square his Moon). His natal Moon is in Aries, a position that naturally calls for him to be the center of attention on the emotional front, and a Pluto transit to first Chiron, unearthing hurt at a primal level, then the Moon, bringing an intense effect that may have felt to him like obliteration, could have triggered (or at least, greatly exacerbated) the natal emotional requirement to put ‘Me First.’

Your uncharacteristically unempathetic response shows in recent transits to your own chart, transits that likely have left you feeling much less of a need to engage deeply with others if that engagement was draining to you in some way, especially emotionally. Transiting Saturn has been over your Vesta, suppressing your feeling of commitment to the home front and the sexual partner, and perhaps lessening the idea that one must uphold those sacred institutions (like marriage) that you are normally a strong supporter of; and transiting Neptune is conjunct Juno in the 5th, obscuring from your view your natural means of empowerment, one venue of which is through the romantic relationship. So, the coolness you’re feeling right now is not surprising, nor does it indicate a cold heart or indifference–it’s just the way the wind’s blowing for you, currently.  And, with ruler of the 7th posited in the 2nd natally, the state of your significant other feels like it relates directly to your Self-worth and Self-image–so an ill partner may read as something to get away from, rather than coddle, support, or indulge.

And it does feel like indulgence to you that your husband is engaged in–and here’s where we must lay it all out. His behavior is undoubtedly too involved in relishing his own illness, but this seems to be an indication of his Moon’s needs, and right now, this illness which has shaken him to his core (whether this shows or not) needs to be acknowledged as a ‘Big Thing.’ Irritating as it may be, he truly needs to put all his energy and attention into dealing with this illness, as at present the illness defines him emotionally–and if the illness gets taken care of, then he’s taken care of, nurtured, loved, too.

For you, though your reaction is totally understandable and one with which many will sympathize, if you love your husband, you need to take a step back and get a slightly more objective view of things. You seem to be reacting out of your own need to separate your sense of yourself from your partner, and this is certainly fine, but ultimately Self- and relationship-sabotaging, as love and relationship require that we see and acknowledge the needs of our partner, and right now he needs you. The Moon rules his 7th, so every emotional assault he suffers tends to make him turn to you for support. There is also the matter of you judging him; though the amount of attention he needs may seem over-the-top to you, variation in need must be recognized (of course, there’s the matter of, if you’d known when you got together how needy he was, you may not have gotten together–but don’t we always have knowledge of the depths of our partners all along, whether we admit it or not? And so we must see that we choose them both because of and in spite of their qualities).

I think if you give your husband’s emotional needs all the ‘Me First’ attention and support they require, you will find within your husband, not the emotional black hole I believe you anticipate, but instead a renewed confidence and Self-assurance that was probably a big draw for you initially in the relationship in the first place. Approaching his needs with a non-judgmental attitude and a willingness to fill the bucket indefinitely will, conversely, shorten the time during which you must deal with his exaggerated need, so, though it may be contra-intuitive for you, I would suggest you give him the ego and emotional support he needs, especially because, we should note, Mars is a prominent part of the equation, and he may feel that his manhood is threatened along with his health–your job is to let him know it’s not.

My best to you both,

jd

 

Want versus Need in the Natal Chart

It’s really important to distinguish between what we want and what we need; often, we see them as one and the same or, much worse, confuse the two, or just plain misunderstand, thinking that what we need is only a desire, and denying it to ourselves out of misplaced frugality. We all have both wants and needs, and they’re shown principally by the Moon (needs) and Venus (wants) in the natal chart.

Noting that Venus has been tagged as representing wants, you may protest with, ‘But don’t we all need love?’ And you’d be right, of course we all need love, it’s just that the love we need must be delivered in the form of the Moon–the love we talk about with Venus carries other baggage: lust, jealousy, envy, greed, carnality, and the trappings of romance and courtship–all are forms of ‘Venus love,’ and not truly love at all, but desire. Love that is pure and untouched by these concepts is Amor, while Venus love that is other-directed and objectified is Eros. It remains to the Moon to show us true need, and the form of love that will nurture, comfort, and fulfill emotionally.

Does this mean we shouldn’t call Venus the planet of Love anymore? No, it just means that when we speak of Venus as representing love, we must hold in mind the awareness that the love Venus represents is that which is typically found in relationship, shown by its rulership of Libra (with the singular exception of the Moon as it carries the maternal love). Venus can also show something about love of the Self (as indicated by Taurus and natural rulership of the 2nd of Self-worth and assets/ talents)–and yet, again, this suggests an outward component to the love, as this focuses on our perceptions of ourselves via the physical, the abilities, and the possessions, including our relationship to the personal finances. Because we live in a material world (sorry, Madonna) there exists a material level at which we will inevitably assess ourselves–and so we take this into account when thinking of Venus, as well.

Neither the Moon nor Venus promises fulfillment of the spirit, though the functions of each can lead to this (the propensity largely indicated in the natal chart by a relationship of either to Neptune, Chiron, the Sun, and sometimes Jupiter). Spiritual love and ideals are the province of Neptune and the Sun (this latter as it represents the Soul itself), but again, these are not separate so much as facets of the concept of love we all carry.

So when we seek love, talk about love, speak of needing to find another to assuage our loneliness, to give our love to, in my estimation we really need to be looking, not at our Venus, but at our Moon, first. This idea was encapsulated in the pop psychology axiom, ‘You can’t love another until you love yourself,’ and indeed, if we have not found the emotional fulfillment demanded by our Moon, we are, in a psychic sense, unable to look away from our own needs, and thus unable to really see and commune with another.

What about desire? After all, we’re in a way programmed to go after what we desire and there’s nothing wrong with that, except that we go after our desires with the expectation that having them fulfilled will fulfill us, when our desires are more about possession than about completion. Our Moon needs, however, are about completion, in the sense that our psyches cannot function as a healthy whole without the sense of having been nurtured, and emotionally ‘filled up’–and we are back to the idea that we cannot give away what we don’t possess–in this case, the sense of completeness, comfort, and nurture that make up the essence of the love we think of sharing with another person.

See my book on The Astrology of Intimate Relationship for how to read a natal chart, and to compare natal charts, for relationship success and potential compatibility, here http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com