Unfortunately, when we want something, we may not be open to the message
A useful re-print, just in time for Venus retrograde:
Dating During Venus Retrograde
This new blog is a great idea – inspiring and informational!
My question has to do with Venus Retrograde:
Living with mourning since the passing of a sweet soul last spring, it actually seemed like something in me began to move and open around the eclipses, suddenly the thought of looking for love again entered my mind. I have already gotten very useful information from your Venus Retrograde & Eclipse Reports, but one thing keeps puzzling me: What about dating during Venus Retrograde? This deep opening to all things Venusian (Venus crossing the IC) makes me want to open to possibilities, but the more I read about this goddess in backwards mode (books and internet), the more I doubt my own impulses to open to love & the world again at this time. Is this ’just Spring Fever’ or me going backwards at life & love?
I look forward to your insights on this, as I hope you will consider my question – I don’t think I’m the only one wondering…;-)
All the best,
Hi Ms P,
Thank you! And you ask an excellent question! I’m sure you’re right, many would like to know the prospects for romance and relationship specific to Venus retro. When considering the dating picture, I think there may be two things to evaluate: one, where were you, dating and romance-wise, eight years ago when Venus retrograded in the same spot in your natal chart? It’s an important question, as you’ll meet the same issues in a new form. If relationships weren’t on the agenda eight years ago, chances are they won’t be again at this time, either, which suggests that other Venusian topics (finances and earnings, the values picture, feelings/ intuition/ sensitivity, talents, reward) will be. In that case, you just won’t be paying attention to relationships and dating for the retro period.
But, if relationships were the focus eight years ago, then they very likely will be again. Preparation for the retrograde involves an honest inspection of the concerns apparent eight years ago, and how the circumstances, situations, standards, and desires have evolved from that point to now. If you dealt with an unfaithful paramour at this time eight years ago, for example, your experience this time around may echo that one, with betrayal once again on the menu, or the period may bring the revelation that you have now established an intimate relationship that supports you–and you’ll be able to put the issue of unfaithfulness (and all the Self-doubt and questioning it brings forward) to rest.
The second consideration is, how well do you know what you want in life? Yes, you can get back to dating and relationships during the retro, if you’ve been away from them; but with the aesthetic, personal values, and taste changes that come during the retro (and flee afterward) we can find ourselves embroiled in something we don’t really want, that isn’t true to our innate nature, once Venus goes direct, so caution in terms of commitment and irrevocable (or difficult to correct) acts (sex and what this can expose us to, impulsive marriage, buying a condo together) is in order.
You make a good point, Ms P, when you speak of the “deep opening” to Venus energies that can be experienced at this time; and certainly, a profound opening to love is possible. With close attention to your inherent Venus nature, and flexibility in terms of entanglements and commitments, there’s no reason why the retrograde period can’t be a wonderful re-introduction to the pleasures and rituals of dating, as well as a return of romance to the life.
You might also like to read this http://juliedemboski.com/2008/04/02/is-your-mate-your-fate/
‘What You’re Asking’ is gleaned from Search Terms that lead readers to this blog and to Julie Demboski’s Astrology.
the unhappy Venus quincunx Chiron
My immediate thought was that this was someone very Self-aware, pinpointing a cross-chart (between the charts of two individuals) connection that she suspected was the explanation of her ennui (for I believed this must be a woman asking, with her Venus in the equation to a man’s Chiron)–and if so, I think she’s right. Venus stands for a woman’s sense of herself in an ideal form, and when this is in harsh contact to one or more placements in a partner’s chart, it can be hard for the woman to feel loved. supported, or even approved of. In the case of a woman’s Venus quincunx a man’s Chiron, his own primal wound may insist her sense of herself as a woman adjust to his sensitivities–she may be required to treat him as if he is the more tender or delicate of the pair, or as if his sensibilities are far greater than hers, which is likely contrary to her image of herself within a heterosexual relationship, since a greater softness and receptivity is usual for the anima dominant partner. (I believe the same sort of division of the energies occurs in same-sex relationships as well–remember, we’re talking energy, not genitals!)
On the other hand, her Venus could insist he put his wounds aside to honor some aspect of her role as a woman, or her financial or relationship expectations–again, not a happy interaction for either party. And if the Venus belongs to a man, and the Chiron to a woman, we may see a conflict between wounds on her part and his anima or his attitudes toward finances, relationships, or beauty. In this case it might manifest as a man who worships beauty who pairs with a woman who has a wound involving her looks; or, we could see a woman who never has ‘enough’ married to someone who does not want to spend assets the way she does.
If this aspect is within an individual’s chart, one’s own deep wounding may interfere with expression of one’s role as a woman (for a woman), with one’s anima and so in one’s relationships to women, and/ or possibly in sexual behaviors (for a man), with the possibility of dissonance in the concepts of Love, money, or both for either sex. This is a wound that is uncomfortable with Venusian concepts and requires them to change, to accommodate the injury, while it also suggests that one’s sense of Love, relationships, and assets/ money requires the wound to accommodate it–not an easy formula to work out.
Mars in Aquarius and anger
This is a very interesting topic, as those with Mars in Aquarius have the tendency to believe they don’t get mad, that they can handle aggression and ego urges through the intellect, and that the ego is highly inventive and original–and they are likely somewhat mistaken on all counts. Having such a basic physical and ‘I am’ urge in a sign that prides itself on its mental prowess can create a lot of confusion, and can make for some highly contradictory behavior, until the individual understands that she or he has a call to blend action with thought, to synchronize them for harmonious expression. Until this is clear, the urges often work at cross-purposes, prompting aggression dressed up as reasoned choice and a highly competitive ego that seeks to one-up others as a matter of being that’s not specific to any particular contest.Once successfully integrated Mars in Aquarius can make an excellent activist, may in any walk of life personify the ‘well-educated general’, and can be an intellectual leader who doesn’t dwell in the Ivory Tower but takes new and avant-garde ideas into the streets.
path of earth retrograde from Venus
I know that it takes time to learn basic astrological meanings and principles; I’m not faulting the individual on that, but it’s impossible to ask a cogent question without a true understanding of what you’re asking about. I expect someone seeking a specific answer to grasp the concept behind what they’re asking–otherwise the whole search makes no sense. Maybe it’s the phrase “retrograde from”, as this signifies (if we accept the syntax) that Earth is moving away from Venus–and of course, astrology is from our point of view here on Earth (though Heliocentric concepts place the observation point on the Sun, looking out from there–but that’s a whole other thing), so as we see it, Venus moves relative to us–Earth is never retrograde to an Earthling! Did this person want to know where and how Earth would travel if we were seeing it from Venus? I doubt it, but it’s possible. In the end, I really wasn’t sure what this person wanted to know; this search phrase only serves to emphasize how carefully we must state our astro questions–and that to ask about something without understanding what you’re saying amounts to nonsense.
Sagittarius fantasy art
Since Sagittarius is the sign of large animals, the first thing I thought of was My Little Pony dancing on a rainbow, or maybe a flying elephant, a la Dumbo. Certainly the person who conceived of Pegasus, the winged horse of myth, must’ve been a Sag–or maybe there’s no animal involved at all, maybe it would apply to long distance means of transportation (ocean liners, trains), religious icons or academic heroes (like Sagittarius Moon-Pisces Sun Albert Einstein), graphics that ‘get the word out’, perhaps in bubble-gum colors and Yellow Submarine graphics. Something like the movie ‘Avatar’, creation of Sagittarius Mars-probable Pisces Moon James Cameron, might fit the bill. Or were they looking for what fantasies would appeal to a Sag? Now I’m thinking a teacher-pupil scenario, or holy being and acolyte, or some fantasy of excess, in honor of ruler Jupiter. Hmmm.
moonlight effects on humans
If we are to believe what we are told about werewolves . . . that’s not really my area, so I’ll leave that to the experts. And of course there’s the idea that moonlight can affect us at a biological level, especially in terms of ovulation and human cycles, biorhythms . . . but again, not my field. Non-astrologically we can talk about romance, and maybe mystery. So what can we say astrologically about the effect of moonlight on humans? Perhaps that the phase of the Moon at birth suggests things about the emotional attitude and the approach to life, the way we process intuition and feeling. There’s also the idea of human response to whatever Moon phase is in effect day-to-day. Since the Moon symbolizes the movement of affairs forward, the passage of time and development of situations, it almost has the nature of a clock, one that affects mood and responsiveness, which certainly shows in the way the Void of Course Moon monkeys with new starts, commitment (essentially wiping it out), and predictability of outcomes (typically, not what is expected), and some mention the pull of the Full Moon as the time when things (and by that I mean people!) go crazy, as observed by emergency room personnel, and others, and . . . we’re back to werewolves.
astrology identity theft
This was a new and fascinating idea to me–can we ‘steal’ an identity, perhaps by giving out false birth info? I’ve certainly thought it of celebrities at times–Lance Armstrong is the perfect example of someone who has kept specific birth info locked down tight–and considering what he’s going through now, I can see why–and I’ve long observed that those who find astrology a powerful tool and who want, in some way, to hide will often be very unclear about birth data, especially the time (which is the easiest thing to ‘not know’). I know someone from China who gave me a down-to-the-minute birth time, but in doing her chart I discovered this was exactly two minutes into a new Chinese New Year–and had to wonder if the time had been fudged to avoid being born in what was considered by her culture of origin a less auspicious year. The ultimate astrology identity theft might just be finding the data of someone you admire (or whose life, luck, or attitude you want) and calling it your own–but thieves be warned, it always ‘seems’ wonky to the astrologer, as there are usually glaring inconsistencies among the chart, reported experience, and observed behavior–and in the end, it doesn’t give you the other person’s vibe–instead it just brings out the ‘sneaky factor’ in your own.
significant elf proclivities
This could mean a lot of things–are we talking Santa’s elves, or those tall graceful beings from ‘Lord of the Rings’? Was the person searching this phrase wondering about someone else, a friend who wears green all the time, builds toys, and whose favorite flavor is peppermint–and is this some kind of problem, an ‘elf problem’? It seems to me elf proclivities fall into two categories: the above green-wearing, cheerful, productive kind, and the gentle, intelligent,’we’re in charge here’, good-looking kind (LOTR)–so, your choice.
A long-term client and subscriber, after reading a recent ECLIPSE which touched on the role of Hecate/ Hekate as an indicator of connection to the darkness and ‘thinning of the Veil’ this time of year, wrote to ask what her prominent (conjunct the Ascendant) Hekate may suggest; she has graciously allowed me to do the analysis publicly. We’ll cover a little more about the history and evolution of this Dark Goddess figure, and we’ll look at the picture Hekate paints in my client’s natal chart. (Spelling with either a ‘c’ or a ‘k’ is acceptable, and I tend to go back and forth).
Originating in Asia Minor, Hekate began as a powerful ‘Mother Goddess,’ but she steadily gained a narrower field of responsibility with each culture she entered. In many instances, figures such as Hathor and Demeter/ Ceres took on many of Hekate’s early characteristics (and of course, she was known by other names before the Greeks bestowed the one we call her by today), with Hekate carrying fewer and fewer of the ‘mother and nurture’ traits; if we combine this narrowing of responsibilities with the later influence of Christian elements on the scenarios of the gods and goddesses, we see that Hekate became a figure who carried unflattering and unwanted projections about the dark and ‘dangerous’ qualities of women. In Greek and Roman myth Hekate was demoted to be under Ceres’/ Demeter’s command, and was sent to accompany Persephone/ Proserpina on her journeys back and forth to the Underworld. Eventually Hekate was deemed ruler of witchcraft (in its most negative definitions), sorcery, demonic activity, and the darkness. This was a simple response of the patriarchy to the female connection to life-giving energy and the female alignment with the rhythms and cycles of the Universe: gestation and childbirth, a woman’s receptive sexual energy (which through the years has been portrayed as evil by its ‘seductive’–another word for receptive–nature) and a determination to keep women as powerless within the social set-up as possible, all contributing to the negative ‘stash’ Hekate has been assigned to carry.
Hekate’s true nature is as a way-shower, in all the many guises this can take. She stands at crossroads both literal and figurative, straddles the border between conscious and unconscious, light and dark, life and death, and translates energy between the two. She is said to be present at crime scenes, to guide travelers on their way, and to be present during the Dark of the Moon, with the Dark period association a good example of the narrowing that has occurred over time–originally Hekate was a Moon goddess, not confined to the Dark phase. It also makes sense that her connection to all forms of darkness would make her a conduit for the unconscious, and so her prominence in the chart or in relation to a particular energy or life area can alert us to the presence of unconscious material in that particular expression or venue. She echoes Pallas as well, as both a wise guide and a guardian–specifically of gateways and other points of ingress or egress (and both goddesses share similarity to Moon goddess Artemis/ Diana, the Huntress, in terms of all three having a martial/ guardian quality). And her characterization as a Crone makes sense when we consider that, ideally, with age comes wisdom–and that should tell us that we can learn from Hekate as well as be guided by or protected by her.
Hekate’s wisdom has unfortunately been trivialized, quite literally; she is the goddess of trivia! This comes from the retired Roman soldiers who were stationed about the city and at crossroads, available to answer questions concerning the area and what lay down each road. Hekate as a way-shower naturally came to be seen as the goddess of these question-answerers, and due to the spoke-like pattern of many Roman via connections there were often at least three roads leading from one point, thus tri three, via road or way, came to be associated with being able to answer any question presented. It’s important to see this as simply reminiscent of Hekate’s store of knowledge having a great span, a span that covers light and dark, and that reaches not just the into the profound life and death arenas but that also includes the minutiae of culture, tradition, and occurrences and changes of the past and present.
We’ll call my client ‘Miss K’–she has a 21 Virgo Ascendant with Hekate just inside the 1st at 23 Virgo. Right away we realize that Hekate may be a big part of the persona, even an Archetypal mask that K dons at will–or, if Hekate’s unconscious connection in this chart is strong, this may be something others see upon meeting K, and K may not be aware of this. So, we should look at what might be held in the repository of the unconscious–and for that we go to the 12th. Here we find a Leo cusp, linking unconscious content strongly to identity and purpose (the Sun), and we see Earth in Leo, and h.Zeus and Pluto in Virgo, and all three conjunct. This suggests that Hekate may project for K an earthy, purposeful, intense, ambitious, and powerful image, a much larger and more dynamic image than K might realize–it could be something quite formidable, which might scare lesser beings away! And it’s true that Miss K has been looking for love; this might say that it could be difficult for her to find someone who can handle, and appreciate, her natural intensity. I know Miss K through our work together as a lovely, gracious, and sensitive woman, so her strong Hekate could be held largely unconsciously–or more likely, Miss K could recognize the strength of her own character, but not know the extent to which she gives a Hekate-sized impression to others!
Ruler of Hekate, Mercury, sits in Pisces in the 6th, and rules 1st and 10th, meaning Hekate is an everyday available energy that touches the Collective (most likely by being sensitive to it) and is very visible in K to those who see her in person. In this regard we might add that, with Juno, indicator of her own empowerment and her willingness to partner and what she might seek within a relationship in Libra in the 2nd, Miss K undoubtedly seeks a co-operative partnership in life–it is part of her Self-image fulfillment–but, with Juno conjunct Pallas, and these opposed by Sedna in Aries, the message might be that, even if Miss K finds the appropriate man (who would exhibit Aries traits, since the sign opposing a woman’s Juno describes what kind of man she is likely to want to partner with) she will be unable to recognize him (the obscuring quality of Sedna)–a tough situation indeed.
Miss K’s Hekate also enjoys a sextile to Ceres, only reinforcing the strength of the placement and adding a natural authority, and a possibly intimidating ‘command’ of nature, as part of the package; a semi-square to Neptune, ruler of the 7th, suggesting another facet to that obscuring effect in recognizing a partner–and also suggesting that the Hekate qualities, with some difficulty, can be hidden or cloaked in other personality garb–which is good for attracting that partner who might be overwhelmed, but then, indications are ‘good’ ones might not be recognized anyway! So when to apply that Neptunian obscuring? There’s a puzzle.
Hekate is also opposed Venus in Pisces in the 7th, perhaps implying a sense within Miss K that there is some conflict between acting as her ideal Self as a woman and acting as a powerful goddess in her own right–and this internal conflict could be acted out, maybe even with Miss K feeling that she can’t be womanly and still be powerful in a relationship, with her perhaps assigning that attitude toward the partner–this would allow her to somewhat reconcile the two urges, if she could say, ‘He finds my strength manly (or unwomanly)!’ and of course, in the modern age, that’s an unacceptable attitude in a man. There could be a strong belief, perhaps a cultural one, that to be a real woman one must be in relationship–and as we know, being your ideal Self as a woman in reality can be done in or out of a relationship, that having a mate does not put the final stamp on being a woman–but it’s not uncommon to harbor any number of beliefs about life that can hang us up on one idea or another. And that brings us to Hekate’s square to Miss K’s Gemini Moon in the 10th, just inside the Midheaven. The Moon rules the 11th of what Miss K possesses that she will give to the world–and fittingly, what she has learned emotionally, as well as development of her intuitive abilities, all slated to be communicated (Gemini) via a public role (10th House placement), could be a big part of Miss K’s Hekate ‘package’ (and all this could easily hark back to the Venus/ Hekate quandry, and all that may be learned through that experience)
There are two quincunxes of Hekate, one to Sedna and one to Chiron. With Hekate as the apex of the Finger of God, Miss K may find a true role of way-shower and powerful goddess manifesting with healing of the Chirotic wound and discovery and use of the Chirotic skill, and yet these must happen without any guiding feedback or conscious application! This may be a recipe where a kind of faith, a determination to accept the wound as healed no matter what you may think of its state and to employ the Chirotic gift whether you are sure of what it is, or whether it’s adequately developed or not, could be the key to a substantial and impressive role as Hekate in some form. This could be a substantial goal in life development for Miss K; as a woman who has already shown herself to be informed, warm, and wise, I would not be surprised if she carries Hekate as a substantial Archetype in later life, becoming a guide and advisor to others.
I am a 25 year-old male and I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a month. She asked me to be official on our second date and I said yes. She shows me lots of attention and meets me often but she loves talking to new people. She is always chatting with the pizza clerk or server, whether it’s a guy or girl. If it’s a guy she’s still smiling at him and talking to him in front of me. One time she gave the IHOP server a big tip and joked with him. She tells me we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I told her that is fine as long as we had those friends already and we are platonic with them. She agreed but then she goes around talking to other guys.
She mentioned how when she goes by her friend Jenny’s house, her friend’s brother walks around in a tight speedo. She said he is a security guard. She was laughing and smiling.
We went to a gas station and the attendant was talking to both of us. I wasn’t getting a good vibe but my girlfriend loved to chat with him and kept smiling and talking to him. Then he told us “just drinks? buy more stuff! give me some business!” I just stood there but my girlfriend kept looking for other stuff. He said “take anything you want, honey” and she kept looking. She said, “you don’t have the gum I like”. I finally told the guy I was her boyfriend and she was with me. Later on I brought it up and she said I overreacted, that he was very nice, very friendly. She said he wasn’t flirting with her at all and she didn’t think anything of it. She said she doesn’t get flirted with often (and she sounded disappointed saying it).
She is so opposed to open relationships yet it seems like that is what she wants. Am I wrong to be jealous? Can you please explain her behavior?
Thanks in advance.
First, I want to commend you on the exceptionally mature approach you’re taking to the significance of your girlfriend’s behavior; not many guys, especially young guys, would lay out the situation in such an unbiased and thoughtful way.
I think the best way to address your question is to simply make a series of statements, my conclusions based on what you say. I’m immediately struck by how quickly your girlfriend wanted to be exclusive; sometimes this is a not-so-positive thing, as moving too fast can indicate someone who wants to pin you down, treating you more as a possession than an individual. But, you could just be a super-charming guy :)
Your assumption that people may only retain opposite sex friends that they knew before the relationship, however, is an unreasonable one. I’m sure that part of what attracted you to your girlfriend is her outgoing and open personality, and I understand that you may naturally worry that others will find this attractive, too–but to ask her to stop being who she is is to ask her to be other than the person you fell for–and that’s not right.
Now, to be fair, part of what she may like about you is the sense that all this bothers you; why else tell you about the friend’s brother and the tight Speedo? This suggests that there may be an element of sexual teasing in her nature that does not belong in a relationship; manipulating the feelings of one’s partner is not a kind or loving thing to do–that implies immaturity in the way she regards others, again treating you more like a plaything (to get a reaction from) than a person about whom she truly cares.
You seem like you are ready for a more committed relationship than this girl is capable of offering; you come across as a man who is looking to do the right thing by the person you’re involved with. And maybe that’s it: she sounds like a girl, playing with others’ emotions and creating sexual tension for a power-thrill, and what you need is a woman, who is ready to respect and care for you, a facet of which would be her willingness (within reason) to refrain from engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying this relationship while it lasts, but I would not take it seriously; I would not let her see that any of her behavior bothers you, and I’m betting that, sooner rather than later, she will behave in such a way (outrageous flirting, letting you catch her with someone else, deliberately baiting you) that makes it obvious that what she wants from you is a jealous reaction, not a real relationship. At that point I hope you’ll see that she’s just too immature for you, and that you’ll move on to someone who treats you with more kindness. The world’s a big place with a lot going on in it; you’ll soon see that putting your energy into this type of interaction is a waste of your time.
Much good luck, J–
Dear Julie,Hi! I’ve been having a rough couple of three years. In the past few years, I’ve gone through a lot of pain surrounding my childhood and my fears pertaining to men and relationships have surfaced. I do not know how to control or manage my fears regarding men and sex. I can’t function properly on a daily basis as I am overwhelmed my fears, and afraid of my own thoughts. If I were to read anything that remotely suggests sex, I begin to panic. I’m highly uncomfortable with people talking about sex, especially men. The ease with which women talk about sex escapes me. I’ve seen cases in which people disrespect their sex partners, and I use that as reason for me not to engage with anyone of the opposite sex. I’ve not had any serious relationships. Sometimes, I feel safe from hurt. Other times, I’m lonely but I remind myself nobody can hurt me this way. I have a push and pull dynamic in place when it comes to love matters. I want to experience love but the fear or abandonment and betrayal have me running. I have a deep-rooted fear someone using me, disrespecting me, and taking advantage of me.I have an unexplainable, and somewhat irrational fear of sex.I would greatly appreciate it if you could help me figure things out or what exactly I am supposed to learn because I’m drawing a blank. I was born on dd/mm/yyyy at xxx in xxx. I understand if you are unable to do so, but thank you nonetheless for reading my email. Thank you very much.S.