Love Hurts

Hi Julie, I met this guy D, last year March, when we met, there was an instant connection, we clicked and everything I said I wanted from a relationship, he said he wanted the same things as well.We dated for seven months and it’s been five months and I can’t get over him. This was my first BDSM type relationship, we’re both switches. We dated for seven months, during that time we broke up with each other four times. We would talk everyday, and at first we got along fine, until he told me there was someone else he was talking to, and he feels a stronger connection with me, that’s why he told me about her. This person was married and lived in Australia. So there were many obstacles. I told him I needed a break after he told me that and I didn’t talk to him for a while. When we started talking again, he told he had stopped talking to her and he was happy I decided to talk to him again. I really liked him and I think I fell for him from our first conversation. We broke up after only talking for one month and a half. His reason, we had no common ground, our conversation seemed strained and he’s Atheist and I’m Christian. To me this was complete bs, except for the communication, after he told me about the other person, I had put my guard up, so maybe that’s why, but everything else was really weird to me. This happened two days after he told me he wanted to take things to the next level.

We didn’t talk for a month, and if I saw him I would ignore him. Then one night he messaged me and told me he missed me, that same night he did something that upset me even more though, while we were talking he left me, for like an hour to talk with some other woman. I left, and wrote him an email, telling him that I no longer belonged to him so he could no longer control me, and maybe we should just not talk to each other ever again.. Maybe he was trying to make me jealous, I don’t know.. We spoke after that and tried being friends, but our connection is extremely strong and we ended up dating again. He said that he was scared, that’s why he ended things with me. Everything was going good and then he started acting weird again, detaching and being distant, and I asked him what was wrong and he said he needed space, so I backed off, again we broke up, because he said our communication feels strained and he doesn’t think we have anything in common, when to me we had a lot of things in common, yes the communication was strained because I felt like I wasn’t smart enough or was worried I would offend him in someway and I feared losing him, We did have debates and a lot of good conversations and I did try to open up to him, but it didn’t seem like he was making the same effort.

We got back together, we always do. This time after a very intense argument, and he opened up to me and told me exactly what he felt and I was shocked because I had no idea he cared that much, he told me that his freedom means a lot and that he felt like it was being threatened, he also told me I scared him, because to him I represented commitment. He did show me a lot of different sides of him that most people never get to see and he always would say that he wants to know me on every level and that he felt safe with me. I was worth trying for. He didn’t feel like he was worthy of me, he felt like he was wasting my time and I told him all the time he wasn’t. We talked about everything and yes there were times when our communication was off and it seemed like we would just be sexual instead. water-heart

That’s not what we wanted, we didn’t want it to be just about sex, but it seemed like that was what it was becoming or maybe that’s all it was. I broke up with him this time, because I started doubting that he cared at all about me, it seemed like he wouldn’t even try to open up and I felt emotionally drained. We talked and then we decided to try at it, because to him I was worth it, and he was worth it to me too, I felt like he was my soul mate and I love with every fiber of my being. This time he started saying he wanted no commitment, at all. He would always talk about his freedom, and I know commitment scared him, but I thought that after being together and going through the things we did, it would make us stronger, but instead it broke us apart. He cheated on me, then he told me that it was only him and I for now, as he could not promise monogamy, that we didn’t have enough to commit. Then he said he doesn’t want to be together, he changed his mind. All of this in one conversation. That was it, he told me that we had nothing and we never would. and apologized for using me. We didn’t talk for almost three months. We’ve been broken up now for five months and I can’t seem to get over him, we are trying to be friends, we started talking again late December. I love him, completely. but he will probably never love me at all. He’s dating someone else that gives him all the freedom he wants, because she’s poly. I am happy for him, not jealous or anything. I just wish I understood why I can’t get over him and how he went from wanting to commit when we first met, to fearing commitment and then not wanting commitment at all. Also how he can be so possessive and say he doesn’t believe in sharing his mate, to being with someone that sleeps with other people.

There are thingsI left out, some personal stuff. Sorry for the long message.

k

Dear lil’ k,

First, lil’ k (I hope you don’t mind me calling you that!) no need to apologize for a long message, or for leaving things out–one is needed, because relationships feel complex, and the other’s okay because everyone needs their privacy.

In comparing your charts, I see the components for attraction, and the way your sexual tastes are very compatible–and that can be so attractive, can’t it? There are some clashing, crashing elemental combinations here: your Juno conj his Uranus (uniquely empowering for you, threatening to him), your Jupiter conj his Ceres (the king of Mt Olympus meets Mother Nature–and note you carry the masculine side of the equation, which is so in other connections and explains some of the problem), your Pallas conj his Vesta (the sexual warriors in the flesh!) and your Ceres conj his ASC (you as Mother Nature, or even ‘Mom,’ controls how he meets the world–a big turn-off for him).

There are also some hurtful connections and mixed messages, as well, and these act as compelling contacts, which can be either positive or negative, and often both at once for you two: your Chiron conj his MC (do you hurt or heal his rep, from his point of view?) Your Saturn/ Juno conj his Uranus (you are strong, and it may feel to him like you’re asking him to repress his most individual attributes, and to give up his freedom) your Pluto/ South Node conj his Saturn (he may want to hold back your power at all costs) your Sun/ Venus conj his Pallas (your dazzle challenges his skills) These and other interactions all together suggest that you are perceived by him as intensely strong, aggressive/ assertive, and powerful on an elemental level–and though he has a taste for it, he really can’t handle it for long. His admission that he feels his freedom threatened is his fight-or-flight response to you–and it’s an underlying perception that he’ll never let go of.

It doesn’t help that with his Sun falling in your 7th, and your Sun falling in his 5th, you two definitely see each other as mate material; but, Saturn contact, necessary for relationship longevity and the will to stick it out through problems, isn’t really there, and as you say yourself, communication here is the pits, and actually brings out the worst in both of you–this back and forth is junior high stuff, not worthy of either of you–lack of contact between the personal energies is what makes this so hard.

There are a couple of clinchers here, that are probably both key to why this doesn’t ultimately work, and to why you are having trouble letting him go: your Neptune conjuncts his Moon–for you this means you may be filling in the emotional blanks for him, unable to clearly see how he feels, and he absolutely can’t get a grip on how he feels about you, which is certainly clear from all the mixed messages–and do you really want to be with someone who changes what he says he feels from moment to moment? There’s no future in that, at least not one where you can count on your partner. There’s also your Moon square his Arian Juno, and trine his Mars; your emotional reality challenges him in a way he finds very tough to handle. You report he says, at various points, that he feels both safe and scared in his relationship to you, and that he wants no commitment–and the chart interaction clearly says that he’ll never nail down his feelings, nor will he stick with things over the long-haul.

Now a challenge for you, k: you say you love him completely, at a Soul-deep level, but is your ideal guy one who changes up his emotional stance toward you like most people change underwear (I mean daily!) and is your ideal guy one who cheats on you, telling you there isn’t enough between you to make a commitment? I hope not–you need to think better of yourself, because you deserve someone as vibrant, fiercely sexual, exciting, and interesting as you are.

Julie

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2 thoughts on “Love Hurts

  1. K March 19, 2009 / 1:37 am

    Hi Julie,

    Thank you so much for replying to my message. I really don’t mind you calling me lil’ K that’s quite all right 🙂

    “your Chiron conj his MC (do you hurt or heal his rep, from his point of view?)”

    Honestly I’m not sure, we have never really spoken about that, I really don’t think that I hurt his rep in anyway though.

    “your Ceres conj his ASC (you as Mother Nature, or even ‘Mom,’ controls how he meets the world–a big turn-off for him).”

    He has said I reminded him of his mother. I’ve never tried to control the way he sees though. We have different religious beliefs, and I like astrology and he isn’t a fan. He has a lot of strong feelings against my religion, and we had debates about it, but friendly debates though.

    “In comparing your charts, I see the components for attraction, and the way your sexual tastes are very compatible–and that can be so attractive, can’t it? ”

    🙂 yeah that can be. When we broke up the first time he said he was addicted to me. The sexual connection is so strong. I wish that everything else was as strong as that, but from all the clashes we have, I can see that it would not have worked out.

    I always tell him I don’t want to take your freedom, I just want to be with you, but I guess he just saw it as me wanting his freedom no matter how much space I gave him.

    “It doesn’t help that with his Sun falling in your 7th, and your Sun falling in his 5th, you two definitely see each other as mate material; but, Saturn contact, necessary for relationship longevity and the will to stick it out through problems, isn’t really there, and as you say yourself, communication here is the pits, and actually brings out the worst in both of you–this back and forth is junior high stuff, not worthy of either of you–lack of contact between the personal energies is what makes this so hard.”

    It is really hard to talk to him sometimes, I do feel very intimidated, and unsure of myself around him, so I close up, I find that when I write him an email, it’s easier for me to more open, than when we are near each other..

    Most of the time we’re close to each other, all I want is to touch him or hold him. I feel like he needs someone to protect him and care for him. Guess that’s mother nature speaking. and that’s what freaks him out how much I care about him, because he’s not sure about he feels about anything that we had.

    “Now a challenge for you, k: you say you love him completely, at a Soul-deep level, but is your ideal guy one who changes up his emotional stance toward you like most people change underwear (I mean daily!) and is your ideal guy one who cheats on you, telling you there isn’t enough between you to make a commitment? I hope not–you need to think better of yourself, because you deserve someone as vibrant, fiercely sexual, exciting, and interesting as you are.”

    That is definitely not my ideal type of guy at all. I guess I love him so much because I do feel the strong sexual and mate attraction towards him, but the cheating and ever changing emotions, is definitely not what I am looking for.

    I do deserve someone better with all those lovely traits I have, but it’s so hard to let go of him, I have to though.

    I have also noticed that ever since our last final break up that his name appears every where I go and in all shows I watch, maybe I’m going crazy?

    Thank you so much for your reply and your insight. This is what I needed to hear, it is really time for me to let this go.

    Sincerely,
    K

  2. K March 19, 2009 / 1:43 am

    so many typos : “I’ve never tried to control the way he sees things though”

    “And that’s what freaks him out how much I care about him, because he’s not sure about how he feels about anything that we had.”

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