For the Ladies: Let ‘Em In

Now ladies, I’d like to point something out, said so eloquently by Dr. Phil the other day (and paraphrased here): “Guys really do look for a way to ride in on their white horse and impress you.” My younger Self would’ve cringed at this, and argued strenuously: women and men should be equals, and themselves, I would’ve said. No one should have to put on a show to get someone’s attention, nor should a female look to a male for aid or rescue. But since then I’ve learned a thing or two.

Modern women are typically raised to be Self-sufficient and Self-reliant, and we can, by virtue of our own sense of responsibility and competence, push men away. Now, I’m not advocating behaving artificially, becoming a swooning flower the second you’re within proximity of a male; instead I’m saying that some of those things we’ve developed to help us cope with the world at large don’t necessarily serve us in allowing a relationship to develop. If we become conscious of these barriers, we’ll be able to apply them when they’re needed, and bring them down to allow intimacy.

Men (or anyone animus oriented) is programmed to pursue: the wooly  mammoth, the great job, the girl.  Part of this pursuit mentality is a need to be ‘the acter,’ rather than ‘the acted upon.’ That means that a man must continue this pursuit energy even after he’s made contact, and gotten your attention. It’s this energy that prompts a man, when you are simply sharing your worries, thoughts, or concerns, to immediately want to jump up and ‘fix’ the problem–you’re venting, and he’s heading directly for a solution that lets everyone sit back and relax, upset solved. Along with the need to act comes the need to feel effective in that action–and what makes a man feel more effective than when he can do something for the woman he loves, and be appreciated for it?

I don’t say this lightly, as I’ve actually seen men turn away from women who loved them completely but who were unable to show the kind of interdependence and vulnerability that those men needed to have in the relationship; and who did they turn to? Uniformly, they turned to women who knew that the greatest compliment is to be needed. Of course, we’re not talking about the relationship equivalent of babysitting, but an openness to and appreciation of what the man has to offer.

Astrologically we likely find these barriers as energies related to the 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th, or 10th; if they’re in the 12th, they may be in the way, but will be much harder to deal with, and may permeate the life in ways we’re unaware of. 12th House energies will be so much part-and-parcel of who we (unwittingly) show others that a man who’s attracted will already be aware of these, so we’ll leave them out of the discussion.

First let’s look at the energies that can create problems. Saturn can have us building walls and putting up barriers 100_0155without reason, while Neptune may cause us to hide in a fog of confusion, dishonesty, or behind an illusion of who we are, and Pluto can make us compulsively destroy another’s ego or the relationship itself, while Uranus makes us rebel the moment something gets going. Of course, these must be configured in particular ways to act as described, most often when contacting a personal energy, and aspect type and signs will have a great deal to do with actual manifestation.

The 1st is probably the most crucial and most dynamic position for any of these; if one of them rules the Ascendant your ‘first meeting’ face may present a hard to delve behind persona to a potential mate. An energy placed here makes a statement, “I am ‘x'”–and unless we have ‘x’ under conscious control, we can keep even the most interested guy from approaching. In the 2nd the energy becomes about Self-image and Self-worth; we may be down on ourselves, or present this energy as a deep flaw that defines the sense of who we are. With the 5th we may see this a component of romance, and not realize that everyone else doesn’t see things that way, while with the 7th we may project the energy onto the mate, believing we don’t have that–and look at how I attract bad boys! we then marvel. Related to the 10th the barriers may be status or role/ profession related, or they may be part of the reputation, whether truly present in a one-on-one relationship or not.

If we become conscious of these energies, we can learn to make our responses fit our desires. For example, I have Uranus ruling my Ascendant, with Uranus in the 6th conjunct the Descendant; if I wasn’t leaving the guy, then he was leaving me. Once I finally realized that my tendency to behave as if my freedom was being stolen the second I entered into a relationship was sabotaging my happiness, I was able to rein it in, with the added bonus of letting my uniqueness shine without fear–when I learned to say, ‘I am what I am’ and love it, I attracted men who truly liked me, and I no longer felt the need to bolt once things became solid between us.

So, tell me, ladies, what’s your barrier? And how do you cope with it?

8 thoughts on “For the Ladies: Let ‘Em In

  1. christine March 20, 2009 / 4:14 pm

    I have lots of barriers. The thing that initially helped me was falling for a cowboy kind of guy, whom I perceived to be stronger, more competent, & more self-reliant than I was. Ironically enough, this had the effect of sending me into a place of longing to be more vulnerable and seen, right through to my naked core, and I coped by fantasizing about this regularly. One fantasy involved being a very submissive wife- the kind that would tattoo her husband’s name on her upper, inner thigh. So that’s what I did!, as a gift to my husband, which I knew he would love. Totally out of character for me. And I’ve continued to play with this, mostly in fantasy. As an example, I blew a tire on the highway a few weeks ago and wrote about it later, describing the rescue, and the men who showed up to help- with references to “Romeo” and other Shakespearian characters. I try to have fun with what is a steep learning curve for me 🙂

    • juliedemboski March 21, 2009 / 11:27 am

      Hi Christine,

      Excellent that you are embracing (so to speak!) fantasy as an exploratory outlet. What you describe hints almost at imaginings of rescue with you as ‘the damsel in distress’–just make sure that you never actually give away your power.

      And I love the inner thigh tattoo idea!


  2. Lainie March 21, 2009 / 6:24 am

    Julie, this is a wonderful article. I have Venus ruling the ascendant, with Venus in Sagittarius at the very end of the 7th house/early 8th house depending on house system.

    I’ve had amazing men in my life — artists, adventurers, poets, teachers. Things start out passionate, romantic. But I always seem to give up my power and act either too critical or too intellectual or not needing them or too needy — I have trouble tapping into that pure Venus-Taurus sensual energy, though I think that’s what attracts them. And when I would like nothing more than for these men to show up for me and do something, they all keep their distance and choose other relationships (though they always want to stay in touch and seem to want my approval).

    Great food for thought and very timely. Thank you.

    • juliedemboski March 21, 2009 / 11:36 am

      Thank you, Lainie!

      I wonder if the trouble isn’t not tapping into pure Venus, but tapping in too much! Venus energy can be ever shifting–she wants to be taken, but also wants to command (yes, command!) the love scenario; she wants to give and receive attention, even adoration, but is also jealous and fickle, with tastes that change in the moment, and she can be very passive-aggressive, if things aren’t ‘pretty’ just the way she likes. I don’t think it’s ever so overt or strong with you, but too much Venus would explain the train running off the tracks. So I’m thinking that in aligning so much with Venus (which is what attracts them) you allow the other Venus traits to come forward after the initial involvement. Center a little more on the Sun (identity) and the Moon (receptivity and intuition) and perhaps search among less Venusian types (those with romantic professions, in a certain sense) to begin with, as the two of you pairing up may be, in the end, what’s really bringing forward an overdose of Venus.


  3. Ms K March 21, 2009 / 6:25 pm

    Neptune is my chart ruler, conjunct my MC just inside the 10th. It also opposes my solar ruler, Mercury, which rules my 7th… So confusion reigns in my relationships.

    I often feel that men (and people in general) do not see me as I am and create an idea of me. There are times when I ‘play’ with this projected idea of myself and even become it. Inevitably though, I transgress the expected behaviour, the illusion dissolves and we both end up disappointed. He because I’m not what he thought I was and me because he didn’t know and love the real me.

    How do I counteract this? I’m not sure I do. I’m a very open person – possibly too open. Although I emphatically communicate what I think and feel that Neptunian fog is thick.

    • Jazz May 14, 2009 / 7:36 pm

      Hi Ms K…I just wanted to write and say I can relate to everything you wrote. (too bad I read your comment after I wrote mine because I could have just wrote DITTO MS K and saved myself some time and energy).

      Neptune isn’t my chart ruler like you, but I have Neptune in the 1st…and I have been guilty of playing around with how people see me (e.g., sometimes not correcting their false impression even though most of the time I do). It can be quite frustrating bearing the burden of having to fulfill or manifest people’s wishes, dreams, fantasies, etc. or else let them down very cruelly with “reality” of who you really are. Seems like a lose-lose situation…

  4. juliedemboski March 21, 2009 / 11:41 pm

    Hi Ms K,

    You’re right, you really can’t counteract Neptune at the MC in the 10th–that energy is, in a way, co-opted by others–it’s a big part of your reputation, how you appear publicly. All you can do is make the most of positive Neptunian attributes; people will be more than willing to see them in you!


  5. Jazz May 14, 2009 / 7:30 pm

    Thank you for this post. Very insightful 🙂 Uranus ruling your Asc? That explains your “do you” vibe in your advice to women seeking fulfillment through love. I can relate to this…

    I have so many barriers to love, it’s hard to know where to start. To follow your lead example, I have Jupiter ruling my Asc placed in my 8th house. I constantly get the feedback from men that they think I’m swimming in potential lovers (it’s true but I’m not acting on it!). They are usually VERY surprised to learn that I am not playing the field…and they always think I’m lying if I say I’m single (if I am at the time that I meet them).

    There’s a lot going on in my chart that speaks to projection – going both ways. The pattern of my most recent romantic relationships has been that men think I’m one way and put me up on this pedestal (despite me arguing to the contrary) and then get disappointed to learn that I’m human with flaws once we’re deep into the relationship. They think I should have endless patience for them because I’m supposedly wiser and more mature than they are, but I feel trapped in this image…like I’m not allowed to be fallible. The first time I make a mistake, I am persecuted by them and accused of false advertising, as in “You’re not perfect?! This is not what I bought. I want a refund!”

    I have Neptune in Sag in the 1st house, Venus in Gemini in the 7th house (Mars in Gemini at the end of 6th house) and Pluto in Libra the 10th house. So putting that together, it seems that I have an idealized view of my partner (and others have an idealized and/or distorted view of me) and I have the reputation of being controlling/dominating in relationships? I’m not sure if this is “correct” interpretation…

    I’d appreciate any advice on how to get people (especially men) to see the “real” me instead of this image of me as “perfect, forgiving, wise woman” because it inevitably leads to disillusionment on both ends. Although I would like to meet someone special, I just can’t take this type of relationship anymore…How do I get them to see that I don’t know what I’m doing/talking about all the time and do need their help? (#1 complaint from my exes is that they felt I didn’t need them)

    Hi Jazz, and thank you! I understand how Neptune in the 1st can make you a prime candidate to receive others’ projections, but I do think there’s something you can do that will end the confusion concerning others’ perceptions of who you are: you must stop allowing yourself the shape-shifting flexibility that you may have been, not exactly hiding behind, but which you almost certainly used to passively allow others to ‘fill in the blanks.’ You were not, by my estimation, being at all deceptive or insincere, but instead you may be failing to choose a firm and fully dimensional identity (that doesn’t attempt to hide your flaws) and sticking to it. Neptune in the 1st can offer a very tempting ability to allow others to idealize you–this is flattering, feels great, and who doesn’t want to think the best of oneself, and put the best foot forward in a relationship? I can’t think of anyone in his or her right mind who would pass this up–but it might be what you have to do in order to be perceived in your true depth and subtlety. And so funny that they demand “a refund”! Who are you choosing that they believe they deserve only a ‘perfect’ partner? And what does that say about them?–because I can tell from here they aren’t perfect! If you are choosing guys who demand perfection in any sense (physical, mental, spiritual), then you might be choosing them fully aware that they will protest your human side when you let it show–and that could suggest that you may at present want to avoid a relationship more than you want one (or at least, you may not want a relationship with the kind of guy you feel compelled to choose–another can of worms). And it’s a given that vulnerability and the need for others is diametrically opposed to the image of one who carries all the wisdom–so you may need to be a little more upfront in your openness to the input of a potential partner, and perhaps a little slower to share ‘the answer’ (even though you’re likely right!) to their problems.

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