Sexless in Seattle

Actually, I’m the one in Seattle, but it’s Vicki and Bob who aren’t having any fun; here’s what Vicki has to say:

I have been married to a man, “Bob,’ for 7 years and to be honest the sex has always been a bit, well, lacking. Of course in the beginning there was more of it, and it seemed ok enough. I guess I thought it would improve with time, HA! Due to an abundance of evidence- but nothing concrete enough to act on – I am now left wondering if “Bob” may just be gay…are there signs in his chart of a rather dull and/or plantonic/robotic lovemaking style? Perhaps he’s just not that sexual? Are there indicators for homosexuality in a chart?

Thanks for your time and help!

Hi “Vicki,”

Your letter brought to mind an old joke about how terrible the food is, but at least there’s plenty of it! Or, the whole thing was acceptable when you were getting more frequent ‘helpings,’ and it’s now that you’re on a forced diet that you’re ready to complain (and with your strong sexual nature, this is completely understandable, and probably inevitable, with this partner)–and that implies that there are other things binding you and “Bob” together, and your charts show this to be true.

You fit each other’s expectations for a mate very well, with Saturn ruling his 7th and your 7th,  and your Sun conjunct Saturn, implying your Soul vibes to what he wants in a spouse, and his Saturn sextile his Mars, making the Saturnian concepts part of his view of his sexuality and his ‘ideal Self’ as a man and linking them to your Capricorn 7th of mate. Your Venus of love and relationship conjuncts his Moon, suggesting you are open to his emotional reality and he empathizes with and supports emotionally your ideal Self as a woman, and his Venus conjuncts your North Node, which can bring several possibilities, most likely a feeling that his love for you in inevitable, fated, that he is ‘invested’ in your future, or that his love feels very familiar to you, as it’s probably in the style of your mother (or at least it’s the kind of love she taught you to expect). Saturn involvement is essential for a strong and long-lasting relationship, and yours features Saturn prominently. And that’s just a few of the connectors–now let’s look at Bob.

So where’s the sex? Bob seems to have contradictory needs in relationship: he needs nurturing, but his idea of what’s nurturing has a very Saturnian flavor, which means he finds nurture in a more withdrawn, repressed, even cold attitude in a partner–so, on the one hand, withholding sex may be, for him, a big part of what the relationship’s about, especially if it causes a certain ‘hardness’  or indifference/ frustration in your attitude toward him–that may feel like ‘home,’ may feel nurturing, and it could very easily be what he thinks the character of the spousal relationship should be, that it might even naturally carry an aura of contempt for or withdrawal from each other, especially sexually. The interesting part is that you naturally fit this contradictory need of his very well, with Sun/ Saturn in Cancer (not that you are cold, but that your Soul vibes with a Saturn flavor); the problems come with some things within Bob, and in a couple of other interactions.

Bob’s 8th, which describes his sensuality/ sexuality with his partner, is ruled by Uranus, which makes absolutely no aspect in his chart. The biggest effect of this is a disconnected quality; and on top of it Bob is unable to connect with his own uniqueness, his own individual spark, and that can come across as dull. With Aquarius on the 8th cusp, sex can become more of a mental exercise, or can become an intellectual challenge, where the politics of the relationship dictate the behaviors.

Add to this that Bob came into this world with very high evolutionary expectations for himself (Sun and Neptune in anaretic degrees, Sun quincunx a very late–itself almost anaretic–Moon) and you may be looking at someone who has been so disappointed with himself and his failure to meet ideals that the only way to get through life is to essentially put himself on ‘Mute.’

And when it comes to you, despite the very attractive nature you have for Bob, there are some cautionary placements that are only contributing to his reticence: your stellium of Sun, Mercury, Saturn, along with your Ascendant, fall in Bob’s 12th, and this placement of the Sun and other prominent energies automatically makes the House person uneasy. There is an underlying disturbance to Bob’s psyche, a kind of distrust, that echoes through the best of times.

There is also the matter of the tremendously powerful T-square formed in your chart by the Sun/ Earth axis square the Pluto/ Vesta conjunction (and as an aside, you two have Pluto in different signs, which can be a huge generational and attiutudinal gulf). Your Beingness says ‘I’m a highly sexual, even dangerous, woman, who takes it all very seriously, who finds sex sacred, and who may be inclined to, Preying Mantis-like, bite your head off after we mate!” Now of course you don’t say this, or even think it–it’s part of the fabric of who you are, and as long as it remains unconscious, may be like wearing a huge billboard advertising your formidable energies. Once you consciously become aware of the strength of your sexual persona, you can easily turn that into a promise to take the partner to the depths (in a good way) and give them a transformative experience sexually. And, Bob’s Saturn squares his Juno in the 7th, and this suggests that his natural inclination is to suppress anything that empowers his mate–and with that T-square, conscious of the power or not, sex itself may be tremendously energizing and empowering for you, and thus somewhat threatening to Bob.

As to sexual preference, there are no markers for homosexuality–sexuality is sexuality, and though it may have ‘style preferences’ it’s still sex–so I can’t venture an opinion there, but I can say that, with all that Saturn importance for Bob, there could be a taste for ‘the old man,’ but this can just as easily manifest in the ways we’ve discussed, as withdrawal and a harsh attitude toward the mate.

This is not easy to work out, as you both seem to have responded to many unconscious cues–the success of this relationship seems to me to be seated in the intent you each have behind building your future–and the extent to which each of you wants to explore, claim, and regenerate the life energies crucial to your interaction.

Good luck, Vicki–I hope this was in some way illuminating–