Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act Two

I am very interested in knowing the right time to meet a life partner (man) for the rest of my life. Afraid to have another one for fear it hurts worse when it ends. Cannot have the wind knocked out of my sails again. Two years ago, betrayed by x-boyfriend who went with my x-friend.  D

Dear D,

Who isn’t interested in knowing this? But it is Self-sabotaging to refuse to participate in relationship unless you get a guarantee that this person won’t hurt you–and that only happens if you’re not involved emotionally, so how rewarding or interesting could that relationship be? Not to mention he won’t find it terribly compelling to date someone who literally does not care. You may think it’s more reasonable to request the right time to meet the perfect life partner, than to request to directly know who he is and when he’s arriving–but the fact is that again, you’re asking for a guarantee, as if everything is pre-determined and I just have to look it up–and it’s not.

Take care or, confused, he could ride right on by
Take care or, confused, he could ride right on by

It almost sounds like you are hoping to know precisely the right time to lower the emotional drawbridge and let prince charming cross into your heart. I don’t blame you one bit–who wants to be hurt if they don’t need to be? But that is exactly the point: if you don’t stay open to relationship, you won’t have the heart opening, bending, and molding experiences that will make you the exact right person for the life partner when he does come along–he will instead see only a castle with a lovely damsel in it and an impassable moat–and he will ride right on by.

Damsels must remain emotionally accessible, in order to find love.
Damsels must remain emotionally accessible, in order to find love.

So please, D, consider that life really is, to use a tired old cliche that is absolutely correct, a journey, and know that the answer isn’t closing up emotional shop until a specified period of time–what if I gave you a possible time to meet an excellent partner, and some boob muscled in there ahead of the ‘right’ guy and you opened up to him, thinking it was the right guy–what a mess! Then you’d think astrology was a crock (or perhaps that I’m incompetent), or that maybe there was no one for you, and all the while the right one was there, waving from afar, and your skewed timing, your insistence on trying to control the experience, meant the two of you would never meet?

No, if you want love, you have to continue to love, it’s that simple. The real challenge is not to mistake attraction, lust, mating fever, an image, desperation, or hormones for love–we all do, and that’s what leads to 90% of heartbreak. So, concentrate on recognizing, seeing, and participating in real love all you can–and it will come to you, just exactly when it should.

And an aside to D and all who would look for information from an astrologer: we need date, time, and place–without ALL of these, we cannot draw an accurate chart–and no, time zones cannot be used in place of location. jd

6 thoughts on “Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act Two

  1. christine September 4, 2009 / 3:36 pm

    Great post. Thanks, Julie. If anyone has some wisdom about how to distinguish real love from all else that we often mistake for it, I would appreciate hearing/reading your observations.

    • juliedemboski September 4, 2009 / 9:33 pm

      Thank you, Christine. Advice, anyone?

      hitch, glad you enjoyed it–but I’m drawing from real life–I’ve gotten three submissions in the past two weeks with time zones instead of locations–don’t think I’d ever seen it before. Will wonders never cease?

      • hitchhiker72 September 5, 2009 / 2:51 pm

        Hmm, I think the lines between ‘real’ love and everything else are not that clear. Love is a continuum (for me anyway), and how, where and with whom it manifests differs with different people. I don’t think two relationships are ever the same, and I don’t think people are the same in different relationships (assuming they’re evolved and not replaying old traumas over and over).

        That’s my Geminian answer… It depends!

  2. hitchhiker72 September 4, 2009 / 3:39 pm

    Loved the advice, but ‘and no, time zones cannot be used in place of location’ totally cracked me up!

  3. christine September 8, 2009 / 10:55 am

    Thanks for the Gemini answer. It’s the perfect pearl of wisdom for this not-so-Gemini soul. – C

    • hitchhiker72 September 8, 2009 / 1:07 pm

      You’re welcome, Christine. Now if this Gemini can actually take her own advice…

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