The Fixer-Upper: Boyfriend as Improvement Project

Let’s start by saying: this is never a good idea; seeing (or is it projecting?) the potential in a guy (or any partner–face it, looking for what someone could be knows no gender) is a set-up for disaster. When we see a mate as a fixer-upper, a Self-assigned improvement project, we should immediately realize a few things: that we do not respect this individual (no matter how much we protest that we do), that we don’t really like this individual (otherwise, why would we want to change them?) and that we are very likely avoidng recognizing and dealing with our own flaws and/ or issues by focusing on someone else. Not a pretty picture, but a very human one, understandable and forgivable.

What in the chart might indicate a propensity for this? It comes in many forms: a strong Neptune, for instance, may indicate a Rescuer, or someone who responds to the fantasy of the partner rather than to the real person, while a prominent Moon or Chiron may suggest we’re acting out of our own sense of woundedness in an attempt to ‘fix’ everything for everybody, and a str0ng Ceres or Juno in a woman’s chart could push her in the direction of mothering/smothering or seeking empowerment through a partnership, respectively.

Transits may also trigger these attitudes temporarily. Neptune, of course, could lead us down an unreal partnership path, while Saturn could demand that we get serious and build a life with someone–and we may just reach for the person at hand, hoping to slap on a coat of paint and get going. Uranus can give us a huge but impermanent case of oppositional defiant disorder–and the result can be that we throw over our typical behaviors in an attempt to prove our individuality, our uniqueness, or that we are free–and if we must prove we’re free, we likely really aren’t, while proving our uniqueness may involve discarding our true tastes and preferences. Pluto may prompt us to trash whatever we’re involved in, in order to either escape or transform the partner–and though Pluto may free us from a relationship we didn’t really want, it can push us to go too far, leaving a husk of a partner in our wake. Transits can be a minefield if we allow them to work at the unconscious level, and natal propensities call for the same level of awareness, the same willingness to recognize and express in a positive fashion.

4 thoughts on “The Fixer-Upper: Boyfriend as Improvement Project

  1. Jazzy October 20, 2009 / 10:31 am

    You did it again, Julie: great post!

    After realizing that I pretty much do all of what you mentioned above, I’m in the midst of a break from dating (after 10 straight years of it).

    Strong Neptune? Check. 1st house
    Strong Ceres or Juno? Check and check. Touching my Sun.
    Moon/Uranus? Check and check. They’re touching.
    Chiron? In 5th house of romance. Not so fun.

    I could keep going but you get the picture.

    Must bookmark this to remind me to watch the transits!

    Hi Jazzzy–Thank you! Sounds like we should put your picture with the article!

  2. lucywatchthesky October 20, 2009 / 8:09 pm

    Put my picture up there next to Jazzy’s. I have Neptune and Jupiter in the 7th, Moon in the 1st, and Chiron and Juno conjunct in the 12th that are part of a big T-square with Venus and Mars. It’s not that I don’t see people for who they are- I give the benefit of the doubt a lot, and I love people in spite of very obvious horrible red flags. It’s more like choosing to ignore who they really are. Yes, I know it’s not healthy. I need so much help. 🙂

    • Jazzy October 21, 2009 / 2:56 am

      @ Julie You’re very welcome. My pic next to the story of my life? Oh noooo. It’s already hitting too close for comfort. lol

      Ha! @ lucywatchthesky. You got it: “Give the benefit of the doubt a lot and love people in spite of very obvious horrible red flags”. Adding: hoping that they will become the better versions of themselves that I just “know” they can become (with a little nudge from me loving them enough, perhaps?). The dream is so much better than the reality. *wistful sigh* As Julie mentioned: if my project is him, then I’ll be too busy to work on me.

      With the little bit you mentioned, you seem to be an emotional sponge with very high hopes!

      We can form a “Recovering Sky-gazers” support group with Julie as lead counselor/moderator. 🙂

  3. katia October 22, 2009 / 11:23 am

    Add me to the list: with Neptune ruling the 7th, a strong Ceres and Juno, I’ve been through a lot of disillusions too, to the point that I wonder if I’ll ever be able to find a mate to simply share happiness. With Uranus transiting my 7th, I may have chosen freedom rather than find myself again in love entanglements. Yet I miss sharing and relying on a man (I’ve never been able to rely on any).
    Can Jupiter visiting my 7th in a few months help at all?
    Thanks for all your sound advice, Julie.

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