“Am I Wrong to be Jealous?”

Kirchner 1930 {{PD-Art}}

I am a 25 year-old male and I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a month. She asked me to be official on our second date and I said yes. She shows me lots of attention and meets me often but she loves talking to new people. She is always chatting with the pizza clerk or server, whether it’s a guy or girl. If it’s a guy she’s still smiling at him and talking to him in front of me. One time she gave the IHOP server a big tip and joked with him. She tells me we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I told her that is fine as long as we had those friends already and we are platonic with them. She agreed but then she goes around talking to other guys.
She mentioned how when she goes by her friend Jenny’s house, her friend’s brother walks around in a tight speedo. She said he is a security guard. She was laughing and smiling.
We went to a gas station and the attendant was talking to both of us. I wasn’t getting a good vibe but my girlfriend loved to chat with him and kept smiling and talking to him. Then he told us “just drinks? buy more stuff! give me some business!” I just stood there but my girlfriend kept looking for other stuff. He said “take anything you want, honey” and she kept looking. She said, “you don’t have the gum I like”. I finally told the guy I was her boyfriend and she was with me. Later on I brought it up and she said I overreacted, that he was very nice, very friendly. She said he wasn’t flirting with her at all and she didn’t think anything of it. She said she doesn’t get flirted with often (and she sounded disappointed saying it).
She is so opposed to open relationships yet it seems like that is what she wants. Am I wrong to be jealous? Can you please explain her behavior?
Thanks in advance.

J

Hello J,

First, I want to commend you on the exceptionally mature approach you’re taking to the significance of your girlfriend’s behavior; not many guys, especially young guys, would lay out the situation in such an unbiased and thoughtful way.

I think the best way to address your question is to simply make a series of statements, my conclusions based on what you say. I’m immediately struck by how quickly your girlfriend wanted to be exclusive; sometimes this is a not-so-positive thing, as moving too fast can indicate someone who wants to pin you down, treating you more as a possession than an individual. But, you could just be a super-charming guy 🙂

Your assumption that people may only retain opposite sex friends that they knew before the relationship, however, is an unreasonable one. I’m sure that part of what attracted you to your girlfriend is her outgoing and open personality, and I understand that you may naturally worry that others will find this attractive, too–but to ask her to stop being who she is is to ask her to be other than the person you fell for–and that’s not right.

Now, to be fair, part of what she may like about you is the sense that all this bothers you; why else tell you about the friend’s brother and the tight Speedo? This suggests that there may be an element of sexual teasing in her nature that does not belong in a relationship; manipulating the feelings of one’s partner is not a kind or loving thing to do–that implies immaturity in the way she regards others, again treating you more like a plaything (to get a reaction from) than a person about whom she truly cares.

You seem like you are ready for a more committed relationship than this girl is capable of offering; you come across as a man who is looking to do the right thing by the person you’re involved with. And maybe that’s it: she sounds like a girl, playing with others’ emotions and creating sexual tension for a power-thrill, and what you need is a woman, who is ready to respect and care for you, a facet of which would be her willingness (within reason) to refrain from engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying this relationship while it lasts, but I would not take it seriously; I would not let her see that any of her behavior bothers you, and I’m betting that, sooner rather than later, she will behave in such a way (outrageous flirting, letting you catch her with someone else, deliberately baiting you) that makes it obvious that what she wants from you is a jealous reaction, not a real relationship. At that point I hope you’ll see that she’s just too immature for you, and that you’ll move on to someone who treats you with more kindness. The world’s a big place with a lot going on in it; you’ll soon see that putting your energy into this type of interaction is a waste of your time.

Much good luck, J–

Julie

Sharing Power

You may stay lonely, unless you take a good look at yourself Rossetti 1868 {{PD-Art}}
Dear Julie,
Hi! I’ve been having a rough couple of three years. In the past few years, I’ve gone through a lot of pain surrounding my childhood and my fears pertaining to men and relationships have surfaced. I do not know how to control or manage my fears regarding men and sex. I can’t function properly on a daily basis as I am overwhelmed my fears, and afraid of my own thoughts.  If I were to read anything that remotely suggests sex, I begin to panic. I’m highly uncomfortable with people talking about sex, especially men. The ease with which women talk about sex escapes me. I’ve seen cases in which people disrespect their sex partners, and I use that as reason for me not to engage with anyone of the opposite sex. I’ve not had any serious relationships. Sometimes, I feel safe from hurt. Other times, I’m lonely but I remind myself nobody can hurt me this way. I have a push and pull dynamic in place when it comes to love matters. I want to experience love but the fear or abandonment and betrayal have me running. I have a deep-rooted fear someone using me, disrespecting me, and taking advantage of me.I have an unexplainable, and somewhat irrational fear of sex.
I would greatly appreciate it if you could help me figure things out or what exactly I am supposed to learn because I’m drawing a blank. I was born on dd/mm/yyyy at xxx in xxx. I understand if you are unable to do so, but thank you nonetheless for reading my email. Thank you very much.
S.
Hello S,
After studying your natal chart, I think I see a few possible explanations for your plight. First let me say that your straightforward and rational presentation of your case suggests to me that you are truly open to hearing about what may not be functioning at an optimal perceptual level for you–and that makes me more than willing to address your issues, and, hopefully, to help.
Since you use the word ‘fear’ repeatedly to describe your experience, I looked first at Saturn, our natural connection to reality and main signifier of both worldly ambitions and fears. Your Capricorn Saturn sits in the 7th House–right away we get hints that you may be projecting your own attitudes onto others–and is in a very interesting (and complex) aspect situation. Saturn’s companions in the 7th are Uranus, the Sun (ruler of childhood experiences 3rd), and Neptune, all, including Saturn, within a 10 degree spread, and so considered conjunct natally. But, there’s more! Saturn is also conjunct the Moon and Mercury (chart ruler) in Capricorn in the 8th, and Venus in Aquarius in the 8th (though Vesta in Aquarius sits just outside the max natal orb for a conjunction).
Just with this, we can see a few things: contained emotions (Saturn conjunct the Moon, Moon in Cap), a desire to approach relationship on an intellectual level (Venus in Aquarius), a weakness for delusion (Neptune), and a Ceres/ Jupiter conjunction in the 1st, just below the Ascendant, suggests a too-strong identification with the powerful goddess literally in charge of all nature (and I say “too-strong” as the exaggeration factor of Jupiter may point to a dominant Self-concept that leaves no room for a partner–Mother Nature has no spouse!)
Saturn also sextiles Juno and Pluto, opposes Earth and Chiron, quincunxes the South Node and trines Sedna–with this last aspect making it very difficult to see one’s own Saturn, and by extension, any of the ways Saturn interacts with the other energies (and at least potentially, Sedna will aspect some of the other players in the Saturn drama–this, plus Neptune’s involvement, is probably why you are “drawing a blank,” as you say in your letter, over the whole situation). All this active contact suggests that Saturn is a huge player in your life–yet may remain hidden (Sedna), not just from your consciousness, but from showing its importance via projection; in other words, all your Saturn issues, both positive and negative, may appear to originate, be caused by, or spring from others and/ or reality (another Saturn concept), thus it’s easy to convince yourself that there’s a good, solid reason why you react the way you do (even though you show keen Self-awareness as you state you know your fears are irrational).
This is such a complex chart (in terms of the contacts and interrelatedness of the various bodies) that I’m going to go straight for my interpretation, as outlining it would be an almost endless task. In general, I’d say there are two major components to your fear experience: one concerns repression of many many facets of your own Beingness, either from judging them to be ‘wrong’ in some fashion or from social rules, teachings, and traditions, and the other concerns your idea of personal power, and your extreme reluctance to open yourself to anything that might force you to compromise your own power position or to share your power with another.
Now I know many people do not really accept that they have any power at all; they point to modest life circumstances, to a subordinate social or work position, or to their own lack of interest at exerting their Will on others, and claim that power is not a relationship they have–but au contraire, this is a relationship each of us has, each and every hour of every day. To have no personal power is to be dead; if we are alive at all, we are still involved with expressing our Will, and exerting our influence, no matter how subdued this appears to be.
When we look at both the repression factor and the power factor simultaneously, what we see is someone who is holding very tightly to her own autonomy, who is, in fact, in a power struggle with a potential partner long before that partner arrives. You appear to associate relationships and all related aspects (such as sex) as presenting you with a totally unacceptable loss of power–but if one sees the sharing of power within relationship as something not allowable (and there is no way to be in a relationship without in some way letting another person share in your life energy, in your power) it’s a natural ‘next step’ to label this as ‘fear’–and indeed, it is a form of fear, the kind that arises when one is threatened by any suggestion that another could have an effect on your situation.
The repression aspect of things seems largely to be about rejecting certain parts of normal human nature because you so strongly judge these to be inferior inclinations, or ‘bad.’ This is likely from making strict internal judgments that view one as superior if one is not involved in passionate relationships, perhaps seeing others in these circumstances as weak or silly–and there may be some idea of marriage and sex as highly destructive forces–and so staying away from them may convey in the unconscious a strong feeling of superiority (this is suggested by several components of the chart, though the Juno/ Pluto conjunction in the 5th is alone enough to draw this conclusion) .
You do see the potential for positive man/ woman relationships, but this contrasts with some of your most serious and deeply held beliefs that marriage (or the idea of dedicating oneself to another) and sex (or the idea of union with, and therefore vulnerability to, another), are negative, which suggests two things: that you are not only resistant to being vulnerable to another (which is perfectly understandable–no woman should feel at the mercy of anyone else), but also that you are determined to keep all power for yourself, as there seems to be a deeply seated distrust of others, along with a deep desire to hold all the power cards–so it’s not just fear of vulnerability, but an actual desire to be powerful yourself (and I believe this isn’t an ego thing at all, but a holdover from past life experience, where you were a very powerful, and possibly ruthless, man–hence you project your own previous attitudes on partners and onto the entire idea of man/ woman interaction).
The chart implies you see it as your duty to accept a man and to marry (and this could be a big part of the problem, not wanting to surrender any power over yourself to societal expectations, much less an individual husband), but it also says you have an exaggerated need to feel you are already complete in the sense of not needing an external animus component in your life. When one couches one’s feelings in terms of uncontrollable fear, one is then, essentially, granting the Self permission to avoid all feared contact–for if this is an emotional reaction, rampant and undefined, what can anyone do?
This is not to discount truly legitimate wounds and fears that you carry, S, as these are apparent in the chart, too; it’s just that these are no more prominent than for anyone else. The important point is that you are allowing beliefs and behavior to be fueled by an unreasonable desire to command what is really a co-operative arrangement (and by that I mean, the natural ebb and flow of human interaction). The fears are exaggerated because in making them so large, and thus including the pretense that sex is such an alien and disturbing concept, you create the perfect scenario for excusing the need to ever allow another to share power (love) in your life.
There is hope for you, in that, if you can approach relationship from an autonomous, willing, and loving viewpoint, where you do not feel in any way coerced, pressured, obligated, and do not feel that a man’s sexual attention is an attention that takes your power from you, then you can engage quite happily in a relationship (and you’d be surprised, that many women feel quite vulnerable when a man shows sexual interest or attention, as it has a quality that can be truly frightening, a consuming quality that can certainly be felt as one that robs the female of something essential–and I think this is what you’re fixing on and responding to). Instead realize that this is simply an energy of sharing. Your biggest problem may be that, in trying to keep anyone from taking anything away from you, you’ve closed off your ability to receive something from another, as well–which is precisely the situation of the sex act, and any dynamic relationship.
You seem like a truly lovely person, intelligent and kind–I don’t think it’s that far a leap for you to exorcise the idea that you must call all the shots and hold all the power, and to invite a relationship of equals, a loving, gentle, and fulfilling interaction, into your life.
Best wishes, S,
jd

Your Relationship Power Balance

A lot of us don’t think about our relationships in terms of power; we like to believe it’s all about romantic attraction, that exciting and mysterious energy that envelopes two people and has what feels like a magnetic quality. That’s the romance part, I think, that it seems we aren’t doing anything to make this electrical charge that creates a field around ourselves and our partner, a field that leaps to life just at the awareness that our special someone is near–so it’s easy to see why we approach partnership as if it’s almost magical (with the more serious-minded among us giving it the scientific-y sounding designation ‘chemistry’). But what underlies this almost supernatural-seeming connection is a real relationship between two individuals–and that means that all that electricity generated by the romance of sexual attraction is involved in a ‘power negotiation’ of major proportions.

So when the amps on the relationship go down, and you start to settle into a real engagement with the partner, blending the time and choices of your individual lives into one, where do you find the power chips falling? Whether you realize it or not, the entire time, from the first ‘hello,’ the two of you have been working out the power parameters of your interaction; who is allowed to do what, express what, show what, be what, have all been worked out. It’s almost like waking up in a fully-formed situation that you only begin to discover as the sheen of romance gives way to the microscopic clarity of every day life. Often, it feels like someone else came up with the arrangement–you find yourself wondering how it was decided that he can do whatever he wants, disappearing for hours (or days) at a time, while you must let him know every detail of your schedule, or you can’t figure out how she moved in, rent free, but still expects you to take her out on a date every night and pay all the bills–and she doesn’t see the need to pitch in with the chores at all, declaring that since it’s your house, you should do it all! These situations can develop almost without our realizing, and the details can come as quite a shock when we see just how things shaped up.

In the natal chart, the location, placement, and interaction with the mate’s natal chart of the asteroid Juno can be extremely telling of the power balance that will exist within a relationship. For the female, Juno is the symbol of her own Self-empowerment–but it’s a long journey from Juno’s initial attempts to gain influence through relationships, exercise of authority, and status to the point of transpersonal expression, wherein Juno is motivated by her own internal strength and need to express. For a man, Juno tells us about who he wants to partner with, both personally and professionally, and its aspects can tell us a great deal about how he feels concerning women in general, and those with power specifically.

For instance, a man’s Juno conjunct a woman’s Venus gives us this: from his viewpoint, partnering with her would be like partnering with love, while from her viewpoint he would seem to have an ideal attitude toward interdependent relationships. Does this indicate she’s his ideal woman? No, his ideal woman is shown by his Venus sign and placement–but, if the Juno/ Venus conjunction is in Virgo, and his Venus is in Capricorn, they might be compatible, as both are in Earth, showing a strong affinity, or if his Sun and/ or Mars are positively aspected to her Venus, this might also show harmony. His expectations for a mate coincide precisely with her values and aesthetics–he would see her as quite appealing, at least in those areas, and she might be financially appealing, as well, perhaps bringing her own means of earning into the relationship, or promising to be low or high maintenance, which meshes with the way he believes a woman should behave. For her, he presents with the conjunction as a very promising candidate for ‘mate’ status–but we’d also have to look at the rest of the chart interaction to see how well she and her empowerment needs would be supported. For example, if his Juno (and of course her Venus) was square her Moon, this suggests that he might not find her emotional needs appropriate for a mate–and she might not, either, since there is disparity in her natal Moon/ Venus square–and that means she may be prone to disregard her own emotional needs in order to make the relationship work. So, in some of these scenarios he would have a definite ‘power advantage,’ while in others she would fare much better–in the end it all depends on the totality of the relationship interaction.

Relationships are complicated things, not easily dissected, and certainly not adequately summed up in a few astrological measurements. Find out more here on Juno, empowerment, and the impact on relationships http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com/ or about relationships in all their glory here http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com/ scroll down to the second blurb

‘What You’re Asking’: Man-Problems by Sign

From the recent search-term trends, it seems the ladies are having some trouble understanding their men, and they’re seeking some insight via Sun signs. As my regular readers know, I’m not keen on generalized pronouncements based on Sun placement; if you want to be able to classify individuals with an appropriate label, it’s better to look at all the major placements and see where the ‘weight’ of the chart is. Of course, look at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant first, as these carry the most influence in terms of expression and personality. Look too for stelliums, many placements in the same sign or element, and for a man look carefully at how Mars’ placement ties in to the identity triumvirate of Sun, Moon, and Ascendant; for a woman look to Venus and her influence. Look also at what the Sun and Moon rule, and at the condition of any dispositors of the big three. (For example, if you have Sun in Taurus and you’re looking for its final dispositor, you look to Venus, ruler of Taurus–in our example this is in Gemini, which is ruled by Mercury, and we find Mercury in Gemini, its own sign–making Mercury the final dispositor of the Sun, since we have no more path to follow. This small sample suggests that Gemini would be a strong sign in the chart, stronger than might first appear, and possibly a more accurate descriptor of inclinations than the Taurus Sun might be).

So, look for what has a strong influence, study subtle energies, and be open to other-than Sun-sign dominance–but of course, always keep it somewhere in your mind, as this is the symbol of the Soul in its present state and intents–and so ultimately always says a great deal about a person’s aims in this life; we don’t always see it as dominating behavior since ‘surface’ energies are often keyed more strongly to Moon, chart ruler (Ascendant ruler), or ruler of the Sun.

All that said and done, you’ll still be able to give someone a label, either by element or sign–and now to our first search term, all answered with the assumption that this is the most characteristic energy for the individual:

what gemini men fear

Gemini men fear a general selection of the things everyone else fears (snakes, heights, bad hair days, waking up naked in public) and one other, tiny thing: words. For Gemini, words have great power; whether they come in the form of conversation, an edict, or thoughts, the Gemini man is likely to be skittish in communication–his nightmare always begins with, ‘We need to talk.’ The result is two extremes, one where he either stops thinking under stress, or overthinks–but the result is always the same, a freeze-up and freeze-out of the mental faculties. That means he lacks an ability to receive or process information at the time this is most critical to himself and to his relationships. If you know that he will automatically receive any communication as stressful, then you can tailor your approach so that something else comes first–so dance with him, make love to him, give him an ice cream cone, and then very gently start communicating. If you can distract him and slip your thoughts over to him like sliding an envelope filled with important papers into a relaxed hand, you’ve got a chance to slip past the fear and initiate communication on a level where he’s very very adept.

how to get a point across to a scorpio man

Your first mistake is to think you’re not getting your point across; Scorpio will retreat at the sting of your idea and show an indifferent exterior, though he’s likely seething inside. He gets ‘it,’ whatever it is; the more you harangue him the more solid will be the appearance of a stony visage that reads like ‘I don’t get it,’ but is really, ‘Step back before I lose my temper.’ When you insist he doesn’t get it, he’s only insulted. Keep a distance, and keep your dignity; Scorpio thinks a great deal less of those who are openly needy or demanding–for them, emotions are to be held deep inside, not splashed all over like cheap perfume.

There’s something else to consider here: that you may carry the belief that, if he got your point, he would agree with it–accompanied by the belief that anyone who doesn’t agree with you does so because they don’t get your reasoning. This attitude can poison the well of relationships, because it leaves no room for disagreement, and an automatic judgment on your part (whether you know you are making it or not) that the person who doesn’t agree with you is unable to grasp your reasoning–in other words, it’s like calling someone stupid, but reallly, really politely 🙂  Scorpio is especially adept at reading the below-the-surface messages, so he likely hears your message, doesn’t agree with it, and is angry at your assumptions–all while keeping a chilly stone wall in perfect repair between you.

the unfaithful capricorn

Ah, the duplicitous goat–he is the most loyal of companions, until he isn’t. As I’ve noted before in these pages, Cappy is there for you in the most practical and consistent of ways–and you know he’s withdrawn his affection, and sent it somewhere else, when he stops showing up in all those mundane, serious, day-to-day activities. With Cap, missing his carpool appointment or forgetting to pay the bills or failing to pick you up after work are the most solid declaration he’ll make that he’s not in love, anymore–and you may be hard pressed to get him to admit it, as this man will typically want to withdraw with honor, leaving things unsaid with a final exchange of handshakes and words of cool civility. For more emotional partners, this can be both devastating and carry an air of incompletion. It’s worth knowing, though, that Cap won’t kiss and tell, and will honor the time you did spend together–but if you’re hoping for a re-connection down the road, that’s unlikely–when Cap closes the door to his heart it usually stays very firmly shut–barricaded like a castle drawbridge, moat and all.

aquarius man disappearing act

My guess is that your Aquarius has been gone a lot longer than you think; his mind likely wandered way before his body hit the road. Knowing Aqua man (you don’t mind if I call him that, do you?) he arranged his leave-taking in detail, planning every step, getting everything ready and even developing a soundly-reasoned philosophical argument as to why this is best for you both–but you don’t get to hear this, as the final detail is to shock you with his disappearing act. The surprise and chaos he hopes to engender in you with his vanishing is an effect that feeds his Aquarian ego–so if you want to leave this interaction with some sense of pride and Self-possession, you’ll see that he’s already gone, and turn your attention elsewhere. Deprive this guy of what he really wants, to disturb the electric current of your Being, to take your energy, just for a time, and you leave the relationship having exerted some control over its finale, with your sense of yourself and your priorities intact.

Get relationship help with THE ASTROLOGY OF INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com

Are You An Annie or a Jane? The Full Quiz

Annie, ready for action {{PD}}

Annie Oakley and Jane Canary were two women of the American Wild West who made an unforgettable mark on the cultural landscape, each in her own unique style. As carriers of the Archetype of Venus (as all women carry this Archetype) they met relationships, especially romantic ones, with radically divergent approaches. One inspired abiding loyalty and admiration from the partner, but may have sacrificed spontaneity of expression, and may have avoided sampling a variety of life experiences as well as a variety of relationships–she may have settled for ‘good enough,’ for the nice guy who loved her, rather than sought out the partner that epitomized her ideal; the other repeatedly acted spontaneously, acting out with little care for the impression her choices left or the consequences they created, following her primal inclinations and yet allowing her image to be so wild (and anti-attractive by societal standards) that she may have blocked some relationships she longed for. In one case control of the Self and the image brought fame, stability, loyalty, high regard–but did it compromise the desire nature, or the romantic one? In the other case behavior rooted in the impulses and wants of the Self created an adversarial relationship with society that at once excluded and awarded a special, peripheral place–but that place was largely unable to fulfill intimate relationship needs and desires, so much did it contradict what was held up as appealing, and this makes us ask, Did the desire nature truly suffer, or did the outsider position allow a stance of unrequited love that, in a sense, allowed her to ‘have her cake and eat it too’?

Jane, also ready for action {{PD}}

Now the question becomes, Which prairie dame are you most like, in terms of love life? Do you sabotage what you want, do you ‘settle,’ do you act out, do you remain rigidly in control? Let’s see . . .

A. When you meet a new potential paramour, you are most likely to . . .

  1. buy him or her many stiff drinks (or other intoxicant of choice), and at some point in the evening, either literally or figuratively, punch him or her in the face
  2. directly compete, and persist until she or he rolls over and submits
  3. be too shy to even make eye contact; you simply hover and hope they notice
  4. behave in a very lady-like (or modest-manly) fashion, following all the formalities
  5. introduce yourself, act like an adult, and avoid games all together
  6. flirt shamelessly, pushing all the while for an ‘instant relationship’

B. Courtship for you typically consists of . . .

  1. rough stuff
  2. going about your business
  3. losing your boundaries, inhibitions, and/ or mind on a regular basis, and telling the object of your affection exactly how you feel
  4. allowing him or her to worship you, possibly only from afar
  5. assessing how good a match you are, and proceeding at a reasonable rate to date, initiate physical intimacy, become engaged, and marry
  6. flirting shamelessly, and pushing for more and more commitment

C. Which do you find most attractive? (Use real life as a guide)

  1. Someone unavailable
  2. Someone steadfast
  3. Someone who keeps your relationship a secret–it makes it more exciting
  4. Someone who’s more in love with you than you are with them
  5. Someone your equal in social station, education, religious belief, and with a similar life agenda
  6. The guy who gets you pregnant/ the girl who gets pregnant, or the one you quit your job and moved for

D. Your ideal date would be . . .

  1. a wild night painting the town red, most of which you won’t remember
  2. a quiet dinner, maybe with celebrities, and early to bed
  3. a night around the campfire, getting to know each other, then sharing a bedroll under the stars
  4. early dinner, target practice, then half the night spent traveling to the next town, or your modern-day equivalent–you never stop working

E. What do you really want?

  1. Love
  2. Success
  3. Whatever you can’t have
  4. Security

F. Do your love relationships tend to be . . .

  1. an aggressive mis-match?
  2. a situation where you are admired and adored, and your feelings are just a little cooler than your partner’s?
  3. unrequited?
  4. guarded, and carefully controlled?

The quiz, of course, isn’t in any way scientific, nor does it necessarily make sense! Your answers will, however, say a little something about how you approach things–so, take both questions and answers with a sense of humor and a figurative tongue-in-cheek, and know that though not everything in each answer will be right about you, some part of it will apply. For A, B, and C, 1. is 6 points, 2. is 5 points, 3. is 4 points and so on; for D, E, and F, 1. is 4 points, 2. is 3 points, and so on. And the conclusions are . . .

27-32 points: Though you’re trying hard to get what you want, more often than not relationships end in shambles, with every encounter almost certainly topped off by screaming, crying, vomiting, and/ or a general level of Self-sabotage that would astonish someone sober. It’s not your fault that your emotions are so compelling; the problem comes when you try to disguise or ignore them and they leak out anyway. Lack of acceptance of both yourself and your desires is the root of this extreme behavior, even if your extremism is manifesting in the opposite, a too-controlled affect. Try to cultivate healthy emotional expression and good manners, as there’s certainly a deficit of one, the other, or both.

22-26 points: You may get along very well socially, but closer inspection of your habits would show that you either pathologically don’t care or that you are afraid: of crazy actin’ in relationship, of emotional disorder, of what you see as the untidiness of love, and you particularly don’t want it to derail your career or life plans. A little loosening up in the activities department, plus a reminder that others have feelings, too, and you could be stepping on them inadvertently, will go a long way toward upping your social stock.

17-21 points: You are too cool by half; what you see as prudent may actually keep you from the warm interactions we all crave. Being a little more open, and a little more demonstrative, won’t hurt (though the fear of it doing so may be behind your regimentation and insistence on control). Try to relax and enjoy yourself–people like you!

13-16 points: behavior that is ghost-like may be the hallmark of your social presence; you may be overly sensitive and anticipate hurt, where others barely notice your modest input. Don’t be so shy, and realize that no one will reject you if you pretend to be invisible, but they can’t love you, either.

 9-12 points: You are all business–literally, relationships may be more like transactions for you. Let your heart out of its sad cage–I’m sure you have a wonderful smile, if you’d only dust it off and put it out for show.

6-8 points: You’re still waiting to grow up–meanwhile, stop dating and work on maturing your sense of obligation and responsibility. Learn a skill, make yourself attractive by pursuing your own interests.

FYI, I scored 22–and I do need to loosen up!  🙂

There’s another way to look at the quiz. Mostly #1 answers says you incline toward the Self-destructive behaviors of Jane; her drinking and her outsider acting out were just ways of dealing with overwhelming feelings of vulnerability and emotions that didn’t know where to go, while mostly #2 says traits are more along the line of the extremely disciplined Annie, with emotions channeled to the ostensibly positive and socially acceptable, though maybe too buttoned-down and possibly denying the wilder and more adventurous urges. #3 in majority implies the sadder, shyer side of Jane may be dominant; this is the persona that finds it painful to interact, and may take on the guise of wallflower, just to get by. A preponderance of #4 says that there may be far too much control, taking the Annie coolness and guardedness to a new high.

The first three questions have two more choices each; #5 hints that you may be taking following social convention too far, and #6 speaks of the need to extricate the Self from adolescent drama involving others.

Being in Love: Are You a Jane or an Annie? Part 2

Following on our discussion of frontier icon Annie Oakley, let’s look at another famous-in-her-lifetime figure of the Wild West, Martha Jane Canary or Cannary, better known as ‘Calamity Jane.’ I’ve already discussed Jane’s strong and unique manifestation of the Chiron energy in ‘Chiron in the Natal Chart’ http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com Her birth data is seriously in dispute in terms of date and even year, though the place is not, but I chose to distill what is reliably known, including from her own remarks, and rectified her birth to May 1, 1852  3:59:24 LMT at Princeton, Missouri USA, with the event that drew my attention to her in the first place being her death within spitting distance (certainly a Jane-appropriate image!) of her Chiron Return.

In many ways Jane’s early life was a mirror opposite to Annie’s; Jane lost her mother at age thirteen and her father soon after, but even before the paternal death some accounts contend that she was literally abandoned by her struggling (and insensitive) father and brothers in Virginia City, Nevada. When her parents were alive Jane was barely able to attend school, spending her time instead caring for her many siblings (which she tried to continue to do after both the mother’s and father’s deaths), and though, like Annie, she learned to ride and shoot in childhood, she was very much on her own by adolescence, often working in whorehouses (likely as a cook, some say as a prostitute), moving from town to town, still dressing and living conventionally as a female.

There is some speculation that Jane suffered sexual abuse at many points in her early life, and this is bolstered by her own cryptic remarks later in life; it’s not unreasonable to see her flight to male attire and manners as a way to protect against such attentions. We know that she adopted male frontier dress when she broke once and for all with what remained of her family; this is also the time when she began to work as a scout for the US Army, and shortly thereafter her first major exhibition of bravery and skill came to light, when she swooped in on horseback and plucked up her commanding officer who had fallen from his mount in the midst of an Indian skirmish. It was widely acknowledged that without Jane’s rescue he would’ve been killed; it was the episode that began her legend, and is in character very similar to other instances when Jane went forward into dangerous circumstances in order to aid others. Other examples include her willingness to nurse the ill during a virulent epidemic in Deadwood, and seeing an out-of-control stage being chased by pursuing hostiles, climbing aboard at full speed, and guiding the coach into the next station, saving both passengers and the day’s mail shipment–and staving off attack by her unusual dress, once the pursuers recognized her–let me explain.

Jane’s man-costumes and cuss-like-a-cowboy mannerisms may have brought her ridicule and rejection by the society in which she grew up, but afforded her an unusual protection when traveling the plains and mountains of the West. Native tribes typically recognized those we would today term gay or transgendered as specially in touch with the unseen–it was considered a gift to have the body of one sex but the strong spirit of the other–and Jane was viewed this way, simply by her choice of clothing and her behavior. The Native Americans perceived her as someone who was not to be confronted or violated in any way, a kind of emissary for the spirit world who must be allowed to move about and act at will; as a consequence, the only violence or violation she experienced on her travels came from the society that made her, not the ones indigenous to the territory.

We don’t know whether she liked the ladies, but we do know she liked the men– in particular, the love of her life, Wild Bill Hickok, to whom she claimed to have been married, and with whom she claimed to have had a daughter, who was given up for adoption. This is widely disputed, particularly by those who want to keep Hickok’s image as squeaky-clean as possible; I tend to believe the claim, if only because it was one thing she stuck to and didn’t embellish. It seems to me a singular piece of truth, if one proclaims the fact of a relationship and offspring in the face of displeasing the very person on Earth (Hickok, in her case) you most love. The reality is that Hickok was a drunk himself, one who had even less success at making a living in his chosen profession (cards) than he would admit; his days as a gunslinger were long gone by the time he met Calamity, and it’s possible the two were together even as he publicly disavowed any relationship–after all, a marriage and child with a notorious alcoholic who violates every social rule of conduct isn’t the kind of thing Bill would’ve seen as glamourizing the ‘gentleman sharpshooter’ image he cultivated.

The Dude who captured Jane's heart: Wild Bill Hickok

Jane had a second child later, with her late-in-life, much younger husband; this child was another girl who Jane kept but saw little of, boarding her with a family while she continued to roam the West. Eventually she joined Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, but after many appearances dead drunk (and many disasters created in towns they visited) Jane was fired. She also worked for the Army, as a bullwhacker (one who drives a team of oxen using only a whip and their voice), and was for hire in a variety of capacities–and she made some money from a series of brief memoirs, and as well appeared as a character in many ‘Penny Dreadfuls’ of the era, pamphlet-novels of people and adventures of the American West.

Now honestly, doesn’t the nickname ‘Calamity’ clue you in that this person was in some major way chaotic? There’s even dispute about how she got this name in the first place, and it’s symptomatic of the way the facts of her life have been lost and distorted in Jane’s own unreliable reporting and the mythos building of any sparsely populated, wild, exciting venue where tall tales are a natural outgrowth of the loneliness and challenges of the environment. Jane, like all of us, seems to have dealt with her internal experiences and external interactions in the best way she knew how–and in her case, obscuring matters (Neptune) as well as being a one-of-a-kind (Uranus) seems to have met her needs in the best way she could manage.

For Jane, the Saturn/ Uranus conflict of energies we mentioned earlier does begin to explain things: they are conjunct each other in the 1st in Taurus, giving us a picture of wholly disparate inclinations–following the rules v. rebellion, individuality v. conformity, structure v. anarchy–that must be acted out physically by the individual (Earth placement, 1st House). These two also sit conjunct Pluto, Mercury, and the Sun, making for a complex that shows a powerful (Pluto) need to communicate (Mercury) the Soul (Sun) intents materially (Taurus)–this suggests that Jane very deliberately chose the messages she sent–there was nothing accidental about her path or her behavior.

What we may find even more striking, though, as we inspect her chart is that there are a number of ‘tells’ here that let us know a great deal about both the inner state and the importance of relationships to Jane–the Uranian independence and rebellion against reality (all Uranus/ Saturn conjunction effects) she exhibited hid a strong sensitivity to others. For starters, we have Libra on the 7th, as well as a Libra Moon; and yet there is also a Jupiter in Scorpio opposition to the Sun–did Jane feel both a need to transform herself in order to have a role in society, and society’s sting because of it? And this accompanied by the emotional need to connect with others, a literal need to interact (Libra). With placement of Jupiter in the 7th plus the opposition to the Sun/ Soul, it might have been very easy for her to project injury onto the social sphere, but with Jupiter ruler Pluto in the 1st conjunct the Sun, we see an energy closed circuit that fed a feedback loop that featured Soul needs v. society, at the very least inclining her toward change/ destruction of the Self in order to fit into society (and yet remain both separate from and rebellious toward–Uranus in the 1st).

We have seen, in the Libra connections, that Jane had a very basic need for relationship; we have many more relationship clues here, though, of a much more personal and definitive nature: Libra ruler Venus is in the 3rd in Gemini (need to communicate, to share and communicate love) sesquiquadrate Earth (the Material Purpose and the love and acceptance urge are continually trying to adjust to each other, unsuccessfully), conjunct Pallas (the natural inclinations as a woman are wise and should be followed, if they could only be known, see square to Sedna), and opposed Chiron (unconscious projection of hurt as coming from without; also the tendency to believe others may carry Chirotic skills that are actually her own). Venus is also square Sedna; could there be a more obvious indicator of one who doesn’t know what love really feels like, who doesn’t know her own worth as a woman? Jupiter conjunct the Earth means that every material encounter is likely to be not only exaggerated, but to carry the aura of being representative of the social order–something we know from the Sun/ Jupiter opposition Jane felt alienated from.

With Mars in Leo Jane’s ideal man was someone who put himself center stage–this fits Hickok–and with Juno exact conjunct Neptune at 10 Pisces in the 12th, Jane may have been totally deluded about what was truly empowering to her; as well, the partner image, shown by the sign opposite Juno, suggests that a man who was critical and judgmental may have felt ‘right.’ Pisces and the 12th probably only contributed to the tendency to long for connection and yet sabotage it through her feelings of rebellion and separateness. Finally we should note Chiron in Capricorn, opposed Venus, square the Moon (emotional hurt as a ‘given’ in life), trine Pluto (fueling the Self-destructive urges), Uranus (rebellion from hurt!), Saturn (conformity hurts too!), and Mercury (communication as wounding instrument)–though all of these in contact with Chiron could also promise support to the Capricorn-themed skills, once awakened. Chiron also makes a wide quincunx (more than 1.5 degrees, less than 2) to Zeus, which suggests that, at least mentally and emotionally (and perhaps stemming from early life sexual violations) Jane was continually adjusting to the sense of assault, and the ambitious wilfulness, of someone like Hickok, to her own detriment.

Jane was, if we look below the surface, a romantic, and a brave one, willing to risk her own well-being to accomodate the needs of others, though this caring attitude was carefully and deliberately hidden under confusion, Self-destruction, and personal discord. Where Jane was a maelstrom of emotion and conflicting attitudes, Annie was even-keeled, persistent, buttoned-down; the estimation of which set of choices is superior rests with whether you see freedom (and consequent rejection) as preferable to constraint (and consequent acceptance), or whether the discipline of Annie would’ve seemed stifling, and quickly made you want to join Jane in howling at the Moon.

Next, the quiz! And thank you for being so patient–unexpected challenges have made it tough for me to work on the blogs as much as I’d like (though this post was almost finished when I lost most of it about three days ago–it took me that long to get back to it!) but I should be around more often in days to come.

Picture is historical and widely available on the internet.