Guidance on What Not To Do

By Kadelburg – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0,

‘Here’s What You Don’t Do’ is a new podcast series that offers reflection on and discussion of real-life issues, including relationship issues, in a light-hearted but deeply-felt, informative way; available through iTunes, Google Play Music, Facebook, Stitcher and Podbean. (You’ll need to search the title, in bold above, at those last two links–clicking Facebook takes you directly to the page holding the newest installment.) New episodes post every Tuesday (except during hiatus).

‘What You’re Asking’: Man-Problems by Sign

From the recent search-term trends, it seems the ladies are having some trouble understanding their men, and they’re seeking some insight via Sun signs. As my regular readers know, I’m not keen on generalized pronouncements based on Sun placement; if you want to be able to classify individuals with an appropriate label, it’s better to look at all the major placements and see where the ‘weight’ of the chart is. Of course, look at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant first, as these carry the most influence in terms of expression and personality. Look too for stelliums, many placements in the same sign or element, and for a man look carefully at how Mars’ placement ties in to the identity triumvirate of Sun, Moon, and Ascendant; for a woman look to Venus and her influence. Look also at what the Sun and Moon rule, and at the condition of any dispositors of the big three. (For example, if you have Sun in Taurus and you’re looking for its final dispositor, you look to Venus, ruler of Taurus–in our example this is in Gemini, which is ruled by Mercury, and we find Mercury in Gemini, its own sign–making Mercury the final dispositor of the Sun, since we have no more path to follow. This small sample suggests that Gemini would be a strong sign in the chart, stronger than might first appear, and possibly a more accurate descriptor of inclinations than the Taurus Sun might be).

So, look for what has a strong influence, study subtle energies, and be open to other-than Sun-sign dominance–but of course, always keep it somewhere in your mind, as this is the symbol of the Soul in its present state and intents–and so ultimately always says a great deal about a person’s aims in this life; we don’t always see it as dominating behavior since ‘surface’ energies are often keyed more strongly to Moon, chart ruler (Ascendant ruler), or ruler of the Sun.

All that said and done, you’ll still be able to give someone a label, either by element or sign–and now to our first search term, all answered with the assumption that this is the most characteristic energy for the individual:

what gemini men fear

Gemini men fear a general selection of the things everyone else fears (snakes, heights, bad hair days, waking up naked in public) and one other, tiny thing: words. For Gemini, words have great power; whether they come in the form of conversation, an edict, or thoughts, the Gemini man is likely to be skittish in communication–his nightmare always begins with, ‘We need to talk.’ The result is two extremes, one where he either stops thinking under stress, or overthinks–but the result is always the same, a freeze-up and freeze-out of the mental faculties. That means he lacks an ability to receive or process information at the time this is most critical to himself and to his relationships. If you know that he will automatically receive any communication as stressful, then you can tailor your approach so that something else comes first–so dance with him, make love to him, give him an ice cream cone, and then very gently start communicating. If you can distract him and slip your thoughts over to him like sliding an envelope filled with important papers into a relaxed hand, you’ve got a chance to slip past the fear and initiate communication on a level where he’s very very adept.

how to get a point across to a scorpio man

Your first mistake is to think you’re not getting your point across; Scorpio will retreat at the sting of your idea and show an indifferent exterior, though he’s likely seething inside. He gets ‘it,’ whatever it is; the more you harangue him the more solid will be the appearance of a stony visage that reads like ‘I don’t get it,’ but is really, ‘Step back before I lose my temper.’ When you insist he doesn’t get it, he’s only insulted. Keep a distance, and keep your dignity; Scorpio thinks a great deal less of those who are openly needy or demanding–for them, emotions are to be held deep inside, not splashed all over like cheap perfume.

There’s something else to consider here: that you may carry the belief that, if he got your point, he would agree with it–accompanied by the belief that anyone who doesn’t agree with you does so because they don’t get your reasoning. This attitude can poison the well of relationships, because it leaves no room for disagreement, and an automatic judgment on your part (whether you know you are making it or not) that the person who doesn’t agree with you is unable to grasp your reasoning–in other words, it’s like calling someone stupid, but reallly, really politely 🙂  Scorpio is especially adept at reading the below-the-surface messages, so he likely hears your message, doesn’t agree with it, and is angry at your assumptions–all while keeping a chilly stone wall in perfect repair between you.

the unfaithful capricorn

Ah, the duplicitous goat–he is the most loyal of companions, until he isn’t. As I’ve noted before in these pages, Cappy is there for you in the most practical and consistent of ways–and you know he’s withdrawn his affection, and sent it somewhere else, when he stops showing up in all those mundane, serious, day-to-day activities. With Cap, missing his carpool appointment or forgetting to pay the bills or failing to pick you up after work are the most solid declaration he’ll make that he’s not in love, anymore–and you may be hard pressed to get him to admit it, as this man will typically want to withdraw with honor, leaving things unsaid with a final exchange of handshakes and words of cool civility. For more emotional partners, this can be both devastating and carry an air of incompletion. It’s worth knowing, though, that Cap won’t kiss and tell, and will honor the time you did spend together–but if you’re hoping for a re-connection down the road, that’s unlikely–when Cap closes the door to his heart it usually stays very firmly shut–barricaded like a castle drawbridge, moat and all.

aquarius man disappearing act

My guess is that your Aquarius has been gone a lot longer than you think; his mind likely wandered way before his body hit the road. Knowing Aqua man (you don’t mind if I call him that, do you?) he arranged his leave-taking in detail, planning every step, getting everything ready and even developing a soundly-reasoned philosophical argument as to why this is best for you both–but you don’t get to hear this, as the final detail is to shock you with his disappearing act. The surprise and chaos he hopes to engender in you with his vanishing is an effect that feeds his Aquarian ego–so if you want to leave this interaction with some sense of pride and Self-possession, you’ll see that he’s already gone, and turn your attention elsewhere. Deprive this guy of what he really wants, to disturb the electric current of your Being, to take your energy, just for a time, and you leave the relationship having exerted some control over its finale, with your sense of yourself and your priorities intact.


The Fixer-Upper: Boyfriend as Improvement Project

Let’s start by saying: this is never a good idea; seeing (or is it projecting?) the potential in a guy (or any partner–face it, looking for what someone could be knows no gender) is a set-up for disaster. When we see a mate as a fixer-upper, a Self-assigned improvement project, we should immediately realize a few things: that we do not respect this individual (no matter how much we protest that we do), that we don’t really like this individual (otherwise, why would we want to change them?) and that we are very likely avoidng recognizing and dealing with our own flaws and/ or issues by focusing on someone else. Not a pretty picture, but a very human one, understandable and forgivable.

What in the chart might indicate a propensity for this? It comes in many forms: a strong Neptune, for instance, may indicate a Rescuer, or someone who responds to the fantasy of the partner rather than to the real person, while a prominent Moon or Chiron may suggest we’re acting out of our own sense of woundedness in an attempt to ‘fix’ everything for everybody, and a str0ng Ceres or Juno in a woman’s chart could push her in the direction of mothering/smothering or seeking empowerment through a partnership, respectively.

Transits may also trigger these attitudes temporarily. Neptune, of course, could lead us down an unreal partnership path, while Saturn could demand that we get serious and build a life with someone–and we may just reach for the person at hand, hoping to slap on a coat of paint and get going. Uranus can give us a huge but impermanent case of oppositional defiant disorder–and the result can be that we throw over our typical behaviors in an attempt to prove our individuality, our uniqueness, or that we are free–and if we must prove we’re free, we likely really aren’t, while proving our uniqueness may involve discarding our true tastes and preferences. Pluto may prompt us to trash whatever we’re involved in, in order to either escape or transform the partner–and though Pluto may free us from a relationship we didn’t really want, it can push us to go too far, leaving a husk of a partner in our wake. Transits can be a minefield if we allow them to work at the unconscious level, and natal propensities call for the same level of awareness, the same willingness to recognize and express in a positive fashion.

Alpha and the Omega

Hi Julie,

I have been following your articles on Sasstrology and I am also following the constant reference of your work from other astrology sites. I know how highly capable you are in answering these questions I have.

My marriage, now on its 13th year, is being tested by an affair my husband got into middle of 2008. I learned of this only at the start of this year.

It’s been a roller coaster three months since I found out. I’m not so sure where we are now. Our relationship is in limbo. And I am feeling so negative, I feel it’s going to end.

I’ve gone from passive (showing so much love and understanding) to aggressive (anger and resentment) in trying to deal with it.

My husband has gone from loving me back (because I showed love and understanding) to lately displeased with me as my anger and impatience has over taken my emotions (there is a lot to handle in three months!).

In all of this, my husband has chosen to remain in our home. Whether that’s out of love or whether it’s because he is *such* a Taurus, the fact of the matter is — he still hasn’t stopped his affair. Right now, there’s three of us in the marriage.

While he plans to move out this month….which he says is only temporary and he is doing this to “find himself, find the answers”…. I do not believe that this will ultimately be a fruitful one for the marriage. In my heart, I think I’ve come to accept defeat, believing the truth that my husband is already gone. Yet, there are things he does even to this day that tells me I could be wrong. We have tried talking about this but somehow we both end up getting more confused. I communicate in black and white, while my husband is rather in the gray area, keeping me guessing and hoping (to which he’d say he does not intend to do).

I try to read his chart but I am basically a newbie with all of this. I do know his got such a terrible Pluto transit ongoing and it is really messing him all up.

My saner self believes there is no way I should tolerate this affair and that I should begin getting out of the triangle, let him go, move on with my life without him if I don’t want to get hurt any further…. he will soon realize what he lost.

But the other part of me believes that in saving the marriage and showing what my husband is eventually going to lose, I will have to shower him with patience, even more love and understanding no matter how much it hurts….he should eventually “come around”.

What do you think works best in this case?

Thank you for looking into my problem.


Dear Alpha,

Thank you for your confidence in me–I’m going to test it now in two ways: one, by speaking to your own feelings about your marriage, and two, by talking in large terms about the astrological interaction–I’ll cite a minimum of astrological contacts, just because this is a sticky web that would take far too long to delineate completely–and I don’t mean to imply that this is a more profound contact than is usual, it’s that the details won’t illuminate the condition, but distract from it.

After examining each chart alone, then looking at the interaction between you, I have to agree with what you term your “saner self”–you should not tolerate this unloving treatment by your husband. You seem to have an unrealistic idea of duty (Pisces on the 6th) that carries an expectation of and acceptance of wounding (Chiron in 6th); further, his Vesta/ Mercury/ Moon makes out of sign conjunction to your 7th House Mars–and with the correct mix of projection and reception, this may make you feel that his emotional happiness is sacred, that he fits your image of the ‘ideal man/ mate,’ and that it is your sacred duty (these are the two key words concerning your feelings about this man) to put up with his Self-absorbed and Self-indulgent macho nonsense.

You aren’t still wondering what I think of his behavior, are you? You are a faithful, kind, loving, and overly accepting woman, very much dedicated to living your ideals, who has not committed to this man lightly–and I honor your willingness to do what it takes to preserve your marriage–but  I believe that when one person treats another as he has treated you (and continues to manipulate and use you on a daily basis), that there is no marriage still existing to save. He has already disgarded his vows and disrespected you, quite openly–and by doing so has nullified your spiritual bond and announced that he no longer regards you as his partner–now you must see, believe, and accept this, as you must respect and care for yourself enough not to pretend that whether the relationship exists or not is his decision to be made in his own time.

One reason he chose you is an easy ability to project onto you the idea that you restrict him as a man, and perhaps limiting his desires and even suppressing love (your Saturn conjunct his Venus/ Mars)–you do not in reality appear to do this, instead offering support and requiring him to live up to his own idea of himself as a man–and this is vital to his success, with his Mars at 29 degrees of Gemini; without your influence his likely outlet becomes a stance of ‘all talk, no action,’ and perhaps would manifest as him connecting all Venusian facets of life to an exaggerated action/ manliness factor–and with his Aries Moon conjunct Vesta ruling his 7th, the idea that he allows himself a great deal of changeability in response to an attitude toward the mate (meaning, he may feel entitled to behave as he likes in the moment), and the Cancer ruler/ emotions deemed sacred by the Vesta conjunction, he may see no reason to accomodate anyone else’s emotional needs, or to recognize his own obligations, duty, or to honor vows made or the spousal relationship at all–as far as he’s concerned, you (and any mate he has at any time) exist to support him (and his indulgences)–your needs just aren’t ‘real’ to him.

Your marriage was an opportunity for him to live up to his own Self-image, and a challenge for him to be his best Self, that you were uniquely suited to assist him with–tough transits have brought this forward, and instead of rising to the challenges and responsibilities he has chosen to maintain a fantasy of himself and his effectiveness as a man–and his lack of concern and love for you limits, no, negates any positives that might arise from you being together–the relationship doesn’t serve you any longer, and your challenge is to recognize this and treat yourself with the love and respect your partner has chosen not to supply.

So, Alpha, your Omega, your end here, is very clear: time to love yourself, and move forward. You need a partner who shares your high ideals, integrity, and willingness to love and commit to marriage. Best wishes, and much good luck,


Get my books on relationship delineation, and on Chiron, here http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.comnow available in both hard copy, and pdf at a greatly reduced price! Also catch my series on Juno at Thanks!

Thoughts on ‘The Bachelor’

The folly of trying to find a mate on prime-time television is just that, folly; how can anyone believe that those involved will act honestly, with the awareness of cameras and the constraints of the form? (The bachelor or bachelorette must narrow the race to two persons, and create a mystery surrounding which is preferred, right up to the end.) Though there is something incredibly sad about using human relationships for entertainment, there is something fascinating, as well, as the true student of human nature finds it hard to let the opportunity to observe courtship, no matter how artificially contained and manipulated, pass without a look. Yes, I have seen some of this show–and I’m surprised at what is not being said today, after his proposal to one, rejection of the other, then about-face within six weeks that had him breaking it off on television and pursuing the previously discarded one, all done with a straight face. big-honkin-diamond

It’s tempting to believe this was all orchestrated for ratings; and yet, this bachelor’s behavior smacks of the worst of in-the-moment living. Each time he speaks, he’s steeped in sincerity; in that moment, he actually seems to believe whatever he is passionately espousing. And yet, his emotional states are so ephemeral, and he becomes so easily disillusioned the moment the ideal is breached, that he becomes that most fickle of individuals, one who is hyper-sensitive to the changes to his own emotional state and oblivious to those of others. Despite all his protestations that he understands how it feels to be rejected (as he was the rejected one of the final two on a previous ‘Bachelorette’) the sense is that he is profoundly uncaring of what he puts others through; it’s all about him, to the exclusion even of the potential partner.

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised at this; what other result can we expect from a culture that preaches one’s own satisfaction must trump any other consideration? It’s the same culture that tells us everyone should expect to win, that everyone deserves fame, and that one’s own ‘dream,’ no matter what it costs others, should be pursued? Does anyone stop to ask if that dream makes any sense, is of any worth, is just an indulgence of ego? (Not to mention that a true dream is about what we can contribute, and thereby be, rather than about what we might get.) And who promised anyone, and this Bachelor in particular, that relationships are magical things that must meet the ideal (no matter how unreal that is) in every regard?

This Bachelor makes things particularly difficult, since in the moment his actions do match his words–and maybe that’s the real vice of the ‘Live in the Moment’ movement, that, without a history and a future, true relationships are unable to exist, much less thrive and grow, as there’s no loyalty to anything but the satisfaction of shallow, momentary feeling.

ADDENDUM: I would not be surprised if we don’t hear about Mr. Mesnick during the Venus retrograde, specifically that he has once again changed his mind, and is trying to re-unite with either the original Bachelorette he was associated with or with the engaged-then-discarded young lady of recent days. Stay tuned!

See some very good Moon advice here

This post is for reader April, who brought up the subject in her comment on ‘Conscious Relationship,’ at Thanks, April!