Emotional Availability

One of this pair is more interested in housework than a relationship--can you tell which one? Cornelis Bisschop - 'A Young Woman and a Cavalier' c1660 {{PD}}
One of this pair is more interested in housework than a relationship–can you tell which one? Cornelis Bisschop – ‘A Young Woman and a Cavalier’ c1660 {{PD}}

Great advice helping you spot how a person who is emotionally unavailable in relationship actually behaves–


Peer Pressure

Don't be held hostage to unthinking impulses! Goya {{PD-Art}} Wikimedia Commons

There’s a sort of brittleness in the air, seated in the Merc station, which builds tension and a need to bolt, to make something happen, and temper and assertion are at a bursting point with Mars tense to Saturn/ h. Zeus–and that adds up to mindless thought that prompts ill-considered action (and this is so, even with that glimpse Vesta sextile Moon offered us this morning of what’s important). Think about the implications of what you’re doing, passing on, saying. So how is this coming out? For some, it’s a response to peer pressure that doesn’t even allow for vetting of what’s being done. It’s the classic ‘If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?’ Apparently, for some who are suffering the Merc station mightily, the answer is, ‘Yes, yes I would’! Don’t be one of the herd.

Your Relationship Power Balance

A lot of us don’t think about our relationships in terms of power; we like to believe it’s all about romantic attraction, that exciting and mysterious energy that envelopes two people and has what feels like a magnetic quality. That’s the romance part, I think, that it seems we aren’t doing anything to make this electrical charge that creates a field around ourselves and our partner, a field that leaps to life just at the awareness that our special someone is near–so it’s easy to see why we approach partnership as if it’s almost magical (with the more serious-minded among us giving it the scientific-y sounding designation ‘chemistry’). But what underlies this almost supernatural-seeming connection is a real relationship between two individuals–and that means that all that electricity generated by the romance of sexual attraction is involved in a ‘power negotiation’ of major proportions.

So when the amps on the relationship go down, and you start to settle into a real engagement with the partner, blending the time and choices of your individual lives into one, where do you find the power chips falling? Whether you realize it or not, the entire time, from the first ‘hello,’ the two of you have been working out the power parameters of your interaction; who is allowed to do what, express what, show what, be what, have all been worked out. It’s almost like waking up in a fully-formed situation that you only begin to discover as the sheen of romance gives way to the microscopic clarity of every day life. Often, it feels like someone else came up with the arrangement–you find yourself wondering how it was decided that he can do whatever he wants, disappearing for hours (or days) at a time, while you must let him know every detail of your schedule, or you can’t figure out how she moved in, rent free, but still expects you to take her out on a date every night and pay all the bills–and she doesn’t see the need to pitch in with the chores at all, declaring that since it’s your house, you should do it all! These situations can develop almost without our realizing, and the details can come as quite a shock when we see just how things shaped up.

In the natal chart, the location, placement, and interaction with the mate’s natal chart of the asteroid Juno can be extremely telling of the power balance that will exist within a relationship. For the female, Juno is the symbol of her own Self-empowerment–but it’s a long journey from Juno’s initial attempts to gain influence through relationships, exercise of authority, and status to the point of transpersonal expression, wherein Juno is motivated by her own internal strength and need to express. For a man, Juno tells us about who he wants to partner with, both personally and professionally, and its aspects can tell us a great deal about how he feels concerning women in general, and those with power specifically.

For instance, a man’s Juno conjunct a woman’s Venus gives us this: from his viewpoint, partnering with her would be like partnering with love, while from her viewpoint he would seem to have an ideal attitude toward interdependent relationships. Does this indicate she’s his ideal woman? No, his ideal woman is shown by his Venus sign and placement–but, if the Juno/ Venus conjunction is in Virgo, and his Venus is in Capricorn, they might be compatible, as both are in Earth, showing a strong affinity, or if his Sun and/ or Mars are positively aspected to her Venus, this might also show harmony. His expectations for a mate coincide precisely with her values and aesthetics–he would see her as quite appealing, at least in those areas, and she might be financially appealing, as well, perhaps bringing her own means of earning into the relationship, or promising to be low or high maintenance, which meshes with the way he believes a woman should behave. For her, he presents with the conjunction as a very promising candidate for ‘mate’ status–but we’d also have to look at the rest of the chart interaction to see how well she and her empowerment needs would be supported. For example, if his Juno (and of course her Venus) was square her Moon, this suggests that he might not find her emotional needs appropriate for a mate–and she might not, either, since there is disparity in her natal Moon/ Venus square–and that means she may be prone to disregard her own emotional needs in order to make the relationship work. So, in some of these scenarios he would have a definite ‘power advantage,’ while in others she would fare much better–in the end it all depends on the totality of the relationship interaction.

Relationships are complicated things, not easily dissected, and certainly not adequately summed up in a few astrological measurements. Find out more here on Juno, empowerment, and the impact on relationships http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com/ or about relationships in all their glory here http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com/ scroll down to the second blurb

‘What You’re Asking’: Man-Problems by Sign

From the recent search-term trends, it seems the ladies are having some trouble understanding their men, and they’re seeking some insight via Sun signs. As my regular readers know, I’m not keen on generalized pronouncements based on Sun placement; if you want to be able to classify individuals with an appropriate label, it’s better to look at all the major placements and see where the ‘weight’ of the chart is. Of course, look at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant first, as these carry the most influence in terms of expression and personality. Look too for stelliums, many placements in the same sign or element, and for a man look carefully at how Mars’ placement ties in to the identity triumvirate of Sun, Moon, and Ascendant; for a woman look to Venus and her influence. Look also at what the Sun and Moon rule, and at the condition of any dispositors of the big three. (For example, if you have Sun in Taurus and you’re looking for its final dispositor, you look to Venus, ruler of Taurus–in our example this is in Gemini, which is ruled by Mercury, and we find Mercury in Gemini, its own sign–making Mercury the final dispositor of the Sun, since we have no more path to follow. This small sample suggests that Gemini would be a strong sign in the chart, stronger than might first appear, and possibly a more accurate descriptor of inclinations than the Taurus Sun might be).

So, look for what has a strong influence, study subtle energies, and be open to other-than Sun-sign dominance–but of course, always keep it somewhere in your mind, as this is the symbol of the Soul in its present state and intents–and so ultimately always says a great deal about a person’s aims in this life; we don’t always see it as dominating behavior since ‘surface’ energies are often keyed more strongly to Moon, chart ruler (Ascendant ruler), or ruler of the Sun.

All that said and done, you’ll still be able to give someone a label, either by element or sign–and now to our first search term, all answered with the assumption that this is the most characteristic energy for the individual:

what gemini men fear

Gemini men fear a general selection of the things everyone else fears (snakes, heights, bad hair days, waking up naked in public) and one other, tiny thing: words. For Gemini, words have great power; whether they come in the form of conversation, an edict, or thoughts, the Gemini man is likely to be skittish in communication–his nightmare always begins with, ‘We need to talk.’ The result is two extremes, one where he either stops thinking under stress, or overthinks–but the result is always the same, a freeze-up and freeze-out of the mental faculties. That means he lacks an ability to receive or process information at the time this is most critical to himself and to his relationships. If you know that he will automatically receive any communication as stressful, then you can tailor your approach so that something else comes first–so dance with him, make love to him, give him an ice cream cone, and then very gently start communicating. If you can distract him and slip your thoughts over to him like sliding an envelope filled with important papers into a relaxed hand, you’ve got a chance to slip past the fear and initiate communication on a level where he’s very very adept.

how to get a point across to a scorpio man

Your first mistake is to think you’re not getting your point across; Scorpio will retreat at the sting of your idea and show an indifferent exterior, though he’s likely seething inside. He gets ‘it,’ whatever it is; the more you harangue him the more solid will be the appearance of a stony visage that reads like ‘I don’t get it,’ but is really, ‘Step back before I lose my temper.’ When you insist he doesn’t get it, he’s only insulted. Keep a distance, and keep your dignity; Scorpio thinks a great deal less of those who are openly needy or demanding–for them, emotions are to be held deep inside, not splashed all over like cheap perfume.

There’s something else to consider here: that you may carry the belief that, if he got your point, he would agree with it–accompanied by the belief that anyone who doesn’t agree with you does so because they don’t get your reasoning. This attitude can poison the well of relationships, because it leaves no room for disagreement, and an automatic judgment on your part (whether you know you are making it or not) that the person who doesn’t agree with you is unable to grasp your reasoning–in other words, it’s like calling someone stupid, but reallly, really politely 🙂  Scorpio is especially adept at reading the below-the-surface messages, so he likely hears your message, doesn’t agree with it, and is angry at your assumptions–all while keeping a chilly stone wall in perfect repair between you.

the unfaithful capricorn

Ah, the duplicitous goat–he is the most loyal of companions, until he isn’t. As I’ve noted before in these pages, Cappy is there for you in the most practical and consistent of ways–and you know he’s withdrawn his affection, and sent it somewhere else, when he stops showing up in all those mundane, serious, day-to-day activities. With Cap, missing his carpool appointment or forgetting to pay the bills or failing to pick you up after work are the most solid declaration he’ll make that he’s not in love, anymore–and you may be hard pressed to get him to admit it, as this man will typically want to withdraw with honor, leaving things unsaid with a final exchange of handshakes and words of cool civility. For more emotional partners, this can be both devastating and carry an air of incompletion. It’s worth knowing, though, that Cap won’t kiss and tell, and will honor the time you did spend together–but if you’re hoping for a re-connection down the road, that’s unlikely–when Cap closes the door to his heart it usually stays very firmly shut–barricaded like a castle drawbridge, moat and all.

aquarius man disappearing act

My guess is that your Aquarius has been gone a lot longer than you think; his mind likely wandered way before his body hit the road. Knowing Aqua man (you don’t mind if I call him that, do you?) he arranged his leave-taking in detail, planning every step, getting everything ready and even developing a soundly-reasoned philosophical argument as to why this is best for you both–but you don’t get to hear this, as the final detail is to shock you with his disappearing act. The surprise and chaos he hopes to engender in you with his vanishing is an effect that feeds his Aquarian ego–so if you want to leave this interaction with some sense of pride and Self-possession, you’ll see that he’s already gone, and turn your attention elsewhere. Deprive this guy of what he really wants, to disturb the electric current of your Being, to take your energy, just for a time, and you leave the relationship having exerted some control over its finale, with your sense of yourself and your priorities intact.

Get relationship help with THE ASTROLOGY OF INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com

What You’re Asking: All About Taurus, Love Rorschachs, and, Why So Promiscuous?

Singing might relax your Taurus
Singing might relax your Taurus

I’ve gotten a large number of searchs for various Taurus characteristics; here are some of them:

Why can’t a Taurus express his love?

I’ll be blunt: we’re talking about the sign most likely to suffer from emotional constipation, though there is hope that once moving the feelings will be sincere and loving, thanks to ruler Venus. (Others also prone to possible emotional inertia include Capricorn–the feelings have as much chance of escape as that guy bricked into the wall in The Cask of Amontillado–and Virgo, where incessant weighing and measuring of each exchange and response can be like having an accountant in charge of, well, anything other than accounts!) You can help Taurus and others like him by making the atmosphere as stable and non-threatening as possible, and showing yourself to be reliable and calm. The bull (and his psyche) moves when he feels things are steady, that there’ll be no shrieky surprises, and when he’s sure his love will be met by a similar response from you.

How to tell a Taurus man you’re pregnant?

Now, we just had a question like this about Aquarius . . . but I’ll assume this is a different person, as this isn’t the Jerry Springer Show. Setting the stage to tell a Taurus you’re pregnant is a lot like setting the stage for him to express his love–no screams of delight or otherwise, no ticker-tape, no big sudden moves that might frighten him into the forest. All he wants are the facts, presented in a calm and loving way. And maybe some pudding.

Why would a Taurus man introduce you to —

I would love to know what the rest of this search was.

How do I react to ‘I love you’?

How you answer this is definitely a Rorshach determining how you feel about love, your partner, yourself, relationships, and measuring both your level of social conditioning and capacity for Self-control. There are an endless number of combinations here, but I can say one thing with certainty: if you’re asking this question, you’re not in love yourself, and that may mean that the first step could be letting him or her know where you stand.

What to do if he’s in love and you’re not?

See above.

And finally, this, from the question submission pile:

How is someone with Venus in 4th house and in Virgo sooo goddamn promiscuous?

Hello, C–

I don’t know if the chart data you sent and your question refer to yourself or someone else, so I’ll speak in general terms. I don’t think Venus’ position in the 4th in Virgo even figures in, at least as a direct cause; I’d blame this on some combination of Neptune in the 7th at the Descendant (illusions/ delusions about potential partners), Chiron in the 12th (acting out of a wound one isn’t even aware of), or Sedna’s exact trine to said Venus (through no fault of one’s own, and perhaps instilled by the family of origin–4th House location–or friends or group standards–11th House Sedna) making it easy not to have a clue what love feels like, what a relationship should be, or what values may serve one’s own best interests. A faulty love compass can send one spinning through personal encounters, many of them sexual, without the individual knowing how to control what’s happening; it’s like someone else takes over when it’s time to relate to another human being.

The person with this chart does have a way out, in fact a couple. There is a complex involving the Moon in Aquarius opposed Mercury, Vesta in Gemini, and Juno in Aries, that can act as a refuge. The Aquarius Moon can separate from the impulses and feelings, and use the intellect to take command of what may seem a hodgepodge of conflicting information and inclinations; the opposition to Mercury means this individual may reveal the true feelings unconsciously through speech, writing, and other communications, and can learn to listen to themselves, to fnd out how they really feel, which with practice can bring clarity and guide decisions. Vesta in Gemini suggests that through this Mercurial communication mechanism one can learn what one truly honors as sacred, specifically in sexual behavior, and Juno in Aries says that, if one is a woman, her strength will be found in trusting herself to lead herself, to guide her own behavior. There is also a Pluto/ Saturn conjunction in the 5th, all with Libra, with Saturn ruling the 8th, Venus ruling the 12th and 5th, and Pluto ruling the 6th. This says that darker, destructive, sexual impulses, naturally trained on romantic relationships, can be contained and controlled via the mirror of the romantic partner’s values (8th) and one’s responses to them (12th) in the everyday environment; in other words, the individual can watch the way those with whom they are involved react, behave, and measure their world and their actions, and that Aquarian Moon can step in and take what it sees, assess it, sort it out, and keep what it likes to model itself on.

Good luck to you, and the chart individual, C–

‘What You’re Asking’: Big Moments and Relationships

We start with a Big Moment:

How do you tell an Aquarius man you’re pregnant?

The best approach with this man is always, always, cool, collected, fact-based, and intellectual. Staying calm and ultra-rational will make him both comfortable and empathetic, and will keep the lines of communication not just open, but primed to deal willingly and realistically with coming change and to take into account the unique facets of the situation. Look to his Moon, though, when trying to sort out his emotional reaction, as Aquarius will likely hide it (and hide it well). In general, a Water Moon will let his feelings unexpectedly show; a Fire Moon will immediately begin laying out a course of action; an Air Moon will want to talk, perhaps to the point of absurdity, in order to sort out his feelings; and an Earth Moon will immediately address either his comfort, your comfort, or the comfort of all three of you, depending on his orientation to the matter. Good Luck, and Congratulations!

How does a man act before he proposes?

Cagey and anxious, and often oddly euphoric. Men with an emotion-laden secret–and it is a secret that he’s hoping to surprise you with, as every man wishes to have a significant impact as much as possible, especially in romance–often cannot keep their agitation from showing–and a woman may not immediately recognize that this is a good upset, so may worry needlessly. Of course, there are guys who can put on a good poker face, but even these men will give themselves away with a bit of playfulness in their manner or a glint in their eye.

How can you tell when a Scorpio man is testing you?

Two ways: either he dares you, in one way or another, or he comes at you in a way that implies he wants to destroy you–in either case he’s hoping to draw out your depths and reveal your level of strength (and perhaps your level of resolve concerning the relationship). He doesn’t actually intend to endanger or destroy you, but the intensity of the Scorpion sure can feel like that, and it takes a certain comfort with Plutonian realities to be a companion to this man, so know that, if playing the game Scorpio’s way doesn’t come naturally, then there’s no shame in bowing out for a more suitable companion.

How do you know if a Pisces guy is just being friendly or if he’s interested?

A Pisces who’s being friendly will try to share his world, but a Pisces who’s interested will try to plunge you into his Neptunian reality. The difference is in the invitation: being friendly involves a casual offer, while being interested involves attempting to sweep you along in a wave of his favorite pursuits–don’t worry, if you apply this definition (and don’t let your own Neptune spin interaction with him into something it’s not), you’ll know exactly what he intends.

Do Scorpio men withdraw when feeling under-appreciated?

Yes, and if they don’t go banish themselves to their favorite sulking cave then they are stalking about with little storm clouds wreathing their brows, all doom and gloom and ‘I’m too deep for you to understand, and think what you must be missing!’ Subtle, they’re not, when it comes to their own egos.

What do you talk about with a Venus in Gemini?

Relationships, first and foremost, standards of beauty and aesthetics, love, and money–earning and investment in particular are good topics. Venus in Gemini likes to feel that they know what they’re talking about (that their words have worth) so compliments along this line are very appropriate, along with keeping the conversation flowing and significant, but still light and informative–and the prettier the exchange, the better (and meeting in a pleasant spot will go a long way toward relaxing your Venus in Gemini).

Does a man gaze a lot when he’s in love?

I would give this an unequivocal ‘Yes,’ with one significant exception: when the guy is overwhelmed by or threatened by the emotions he’s feeling–then you know he’s in love (or at least deeply disturbed by your presence!) by his lack of eye contact.

And finally, we have just a searched-for phrase:

tongue-tied Taurus

And my first thought was, is there any other kind? They’re not known for their eloquence, so don’t go into a relationship with one expecting him or her to eventually ‘open up’–what you see is what you get, the barn door doesn’t swing any wider than that. That said, you should note that Taurus takes care with words, and rarely if ever says anything he or she doesn’t mean–so the sincerity level in communication is very high, something most people would find excellent compensation for a little quiet time.

When He’s In Love: How to Tell, How to React Pt. 3 Sag to Pisces

Sagittarius–Men born under the sign of the bachelor are anything but that; their naturally expansive nature and roving eye signals a lively, engaged spirit, not an unfaithful or singular one. In fact, the Sag man treats his woman almost as if she’s his new religion, demonstrating a deep and abiding commitment by taking his love’s beliefs very seriously, and by, in one way or another, bringing the world to her. He may ask you to travel with him, take a class together, or attend worship with him; he may want to educate you himself, and he’s often a storehouse of knowledge driven by his innate interest in the world and the way things work. Sag brings to the relationship a central idea of enthusiastic companionship, along with the expansive Jupiterian energy that can at first bring a big high (“The whole world’s our playground!”) but which can quickly become draining for those more home-oriented or less energetic; as well, when the game is always ‘on,’ as it is with Sag, the sheer bigness of everything about the relationship can become an enormous weight for the partner who likes a little time off, or prefers her experiences in more modest portions.

How to react–The Sagittarius man offers Big Love, alright–and the interaction can quickly become overwhelming, as the demands for time and energy add up. Too, he loves to share what he knows, and the guy with an answer for everything, no matter how cheerfully the information is delivered, can get on even a saint’s nerves. He may not fathom that you don’t have the continual, immense appetite for life that he has (at least for the gigantic line-up of gigantic experiences he offers), and he can easily mistake your need for down time with a rejection of him. One Sag-heavy guy I know (unaware of the perfect Sagittarius symbolism he was using) put it this way: “It’s like I go through the day shooting a bunch of arrows, and hey, if I hit something, great, I go with it!” This can be an exhausting approach for those who like to concentrate their energy and choose their target. The best response to Sag’s enthusiasm and desire to put ‘it ‘ out there is definitely to allow this man free rein–because the first thing that will make him bolt is the idea that he ‘can’t’–and at the same time set firm parameters for what you will and will not accept (for instance, you will consider spontaneous adventures, but not if they’re proposed at 2 AM). The thing you must offer your Sag man is knowledge of who you are–his spirit is ultimately one of accommodation, and he will, once he knows, begin to train his arrows to hit precisely what you want.

Capricorn–lets you know he loves you by being very very serious in interaction–sometimes so serious that you barely hear a word from him! Cappy’s admiration can devolve into him hovering nearby, just watching you, not wanting to intrude on the event that is you. This may or may not be accompanied by gifts of real property, business advice, stocks, or useful items, like hammers, lumber, and brooms. Often, though, this is the early behavior that is a prelude to Capricorn offering you stability, status, rules, and a legally binding contract. When he proposes (whatever he proposes) he means it, so even if your Cap gent has a lighthearted surface manner, take what he says as being absolutely sincere.

How to react–The Capricorn man wants, no, needs, for you to take him seriously; if you entertain even his least appealing suggestions with properly solemn consideration, he’ll be satisfied. Don’t laugh at him, ever, and find out what he cares about and treat it with respect–it’s the one thing he’ll always offer you, and it will be the one thing he’ll require from you–though typically he’d also like a firm, lifetime commitment and clear rules concerning personal conduct, if he can get them. Treat him with the gravity and care he wants, and you’ll find him eventually (once his need to be taken seriously is realized) able to exercise spontaneity and lighten up, which can be a gift for you both.

Aquarius–likes to live in his head, and if he falls for you, may try to live in yours, as well. He may show his interest by engaging you intellectually, perhaps strutting his academic creds or trying to impress you with his expertise as a group leader or with his place in the avant garde. He’s likely to make a point of expressing his independence as much as possible, and you may notice he must feel unique, no matter what; he’ll be the anarchist in a group of Republicans, the atheist in church, the nudist in Alaska. Not only can this be socially awkward for you as a couple, it can be highly irritating, and the irony of Aquarius’ need to rebel in some form in every circumstance is something he’s unlikely to recognize, likely because at root it’s about his desire to be accepted–he just wants it to happen because he’s one-of-a-kind. He won’t see that compulsive indulgence in this in the relationship is the equivalent of essentially treating you like you are either an enemy or an authority figure, and the adolescent insistence on trumpeting his individuality and having his uniqueness recognized (and often as not this takes the form of the kind of slavish conformity that believes itself to be unique, found in fashions of all kinds) is enough to drive a permanent wedge in the most charged and exciting (also Uranian characteristics) of interactions.

How to react–The good news is Aquarius can always be reasoned with; the bad news is you may have to reason with your Aquarian guy, and he’s a master at mental manipulation and intellectual sleight-of-hand, and this can feel like you’re talking to an idea Houdini who slips in and out of facts like they’re trick handcuffs. If you love him, let him know how unique he is in your eyes; show him that radical behavior isn’t necessary to make him stand out in a crowd. And never let him pull the ‘superior intellect’ number on you–he’ll respect you for standing up to him, and for being able to meet him on an equal mental footing.

Pisces–the man heavy in Pisces/ Neptune energy will let you know he cares by doing the most creative and nurturing thing he can think of, likely using water, drugs, the act of creation, or some dream-like elements in some way and giving you a sense of escape from the everyday. The Pisces man wants to commune with you, to have no boundaries, to unite in an ideal world–and this could be great, if healthy relationships didn’t require good boundaries and if harsh reality didn’t intrude on fantasy. He loves to get away from it all, and he wants to take you with him–and this can cause a real clash when you must be back at work by 8 AM. And if he wants to share a chemical or virtual escape, that comes with its own pitfalls, not to mention the fact that if you’re wrapped up in unreality, you’re not really spending time together with your loved one at all.

How to react–Pisces just wants togetherness–so maybe if you point out that being conscious and face-to-face is as together as two people can be, he just might agree. Don’t hesitate to share his fantasy, escape, or getaway, but make it clear that you expect to re-enter the real world with him, intact and with all your brain cells. Most Pisces just need to be soothed; and knowing that you are available and willing to indulge in a total merge once in a while ought to make him more than happy–no consciousness altering substances needed!