A Venus Retrograde Flashback

A cover by the legendary illustrator Jack Kirby {{PD}}
A cover by the legendary illustrator Jack Kirby {{PD}}

A useful re-print, just in time for Venus retrograde:

Dating During Venus Retrograde

Hi, Julie,

This new blog is a great idea – inspiring and informational!

My question has to do with Venus Retrograde:

Living with mourning since the passing of a sweet soul last spring, it actually seemed like something in me began to move and open around the eclipses, suddenly the thought of looking for love again entered my mind. I have already gotten very useful information from your Venus Retrograde & Eclipse Reports, but one thing keeps puzzling me: What about dating during Venus Retrograde? This deep opening to all things Venusian (Venus crossing the IC) makes me want to open to possibilities, but the more I read about this goddess in backwards mode (books and internet), the more I doubt my own impulses to open to love & the world again at this time. Is this ’just Spring Fever’ or me going backwards at life & love?

I look forward to your insights on this, as I hope you will consider my question – I don’t think I’m the only one wondering…;-)

All the best,

P

Hi Ms P,

Thank you! And you ask an excellent question!  I’m sure you’re right, many would like to know the prospects for romance and relationship specific to Venus retro. When considering the dating picture, I think there may be two things to evaluate: one, where were you, dating and romance-wise, eight years ago when Venus retrograded in the same spot in your natal chart? It’s an important question, as you’ll meet the same issues in a new form. If relationships weren’t on the agenda eight years ago, chances are they won’t be again at this time, either, which suggests that other Venusian topics (finances and earnings, the values picture, feelings/ intuition/ sensitivity, talents, reward) will be. In that case, you just won’t be paying attention to relationships and dating for the retro period.

But, if relationships were the focus eight years ago, then they very likely will be again. Preparation for the retrograde involves an honest inspection of the concerns apparent eight years ago, and how the circumstances, situations, standards, and desires have evolved from that point to now. If you dealt with an unfaithful paramour at this time eight years ago, for example, your experience this time around may echo that one, with betrayal once again on the menu, or the period may bring the revelation that you have now established an intimate relationship that supports you–and you’ll be able to put the issue of unfaithfulness (and all the Self-doubt and questioning it brings forward) to rest.

The second consideration is, how well do you know what you want in life? Yes, you can get back to dating and relationships during the retro, if you’ve been away from them; but with the aesthetic, personal values, and taste changes that come during the retro (and flee afterward) we can find ourselves embroiled in something we don’t really want, that isn’t true to our innate nature, once Venus goes direct, so caution in terms of commitment and irrevocable (or difficult to correct) acts (sex and what this can expose us to, impulsive marriage, buying a condo together) is in order.

You make a good point, Ms P, when you speak of the “deep opening” to Venus energies that can be experienced at this time; and certainly, a profound opening to love is possible. With close attention to your inherent Venus nature, and flexibility in terms of entanglements and commitments, there’s no reason why the retrograde period can’t be a wonderful re-introduction to the pleasures and rituals of dating, as well as a return of romance to the life.

You might also like to read this http://juliedemboski.com/2008/04/02/is-your-mate-your-fate/

“Am I Wrong to be Jealous?”

Kirchner 1930 {{PD-Art}}

I am a 25 year-old male and I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a month. She asked me to be official on our second date and I said yes. She shows me lots of attention and meets me often but she loves talking to new people. She is always chatting with the pizza clerk or server, whether it’s a guy or girl. If it’s a guy she’s still smiling at him and talking to him in front of me. One time she gave the IHOP server a big tip and joked with him. She tells me we are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I told her that is fine as long as we had those friends already and we are platonic with them. She agreed but then she goes around talking to other guys.
She mentioned how when she goes by her friend Jenny’s house, her friend’s brother walks around in a tight speedo. She said he is a security guard. She was laughing and smiling.
We went to a gas station and the attendant was talking to both of us. I wasn’t getting a good vibe but my girlfriend loved to chat with him and kept smiling and talking to him. Then he told us “just drinks? buy more stuff! give me some business!” I just stood there but my girlfriend kept looking for other stuff. He said “take anything you want, honey” and she kept looking. She said, “you don’t have the gum I like”. I finally told the guy I was her boyfriend and she was with me. Later on I brought it up and she said I overreacted, that he was very nice, very friendly. She said he wasn’t flirting with her at all and she didn’t think anything of it. She said she doesn’t get flirted with often (and she sounded disappointed saying it).
She is so opposed to open relationships yet it seems like that is what she wants. Am I wrong to be jealous? Can you please explain her behavior?
Thanks in advance.

J

Hello J,

First, I want to commend you on the exceptionally mature approach you’re taking to the significance of your girlfriend’s behavior; not many guys, especially young guys, would lay out the situation in such an unbiased and thoughtful way.

I think the best way to address your question is to simply make a series of statements, my conclusions based on what you say. I’m immediately struck by how quickly your girlfriend wanted to be exclusive; sometimes this is a not-so-positive thing, as moving too fast can indicate someone who wants to pin you down, treating you more as a possession than an individual. But, you could just be a super-charming guy 🙂

Your assumption that people may only retain opposite sex friends that they knew before the relationship, however, is an unreasonable one. I’m sure that part of what attracted you to your girlfriend is her outgoing and open personality, and I understand that you may naturally worry that others will find this attractive, too–but to ask her to stop being who she is is to ask her to be other than the person you fell for–and that’s not right.

Now, to be fair, part of what she may like about you is the sense that all this bothers you; why else tell you about the friend’s brother and the tight Speedo? This suggests that there may be an element of sexual teasing in her nature that does not belong in a relationship; manipulating the feelings of one’s partner is not a kind or loving thing to do–that implies immaturity in the way she regards others, again treating you more like a plaything (to get a reaction from) than a person about whom she truly cares.

You seem like you are ready for a more committed relationship than this girl is capable of offering; you come across as a man who is looking to do the right thing by the person you’re involved with. And maybe that’s it: she sounds like a girl, playing with others’ emotions and creating sexual tension for a power-thrill, and what you need is a woman, who is ready to respect and care for you, a facet of which would be her willingness (within reason) to refrain from engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying this relationship while it lasts, but I would not take it seriously; I would not let her see that any of her behavior bothers you, and I’m betting that, sooner rather than later, she will behave in such a way (outrageous flirting, letting you catch her with someone else, deliberately baiting you) that makes it obvious that what she wants from you is a jealous reaction, not a real relationship. At that point I hope you’ll see that she’s just too immature for you, and that you’ll move on to someone who treats you with more kindness. The world’s a big place with a lot going on in it; you’ll soon see that putting your energy into this type of interaction is a waste of your time.

Much good luck, J–

Julie

Sharing Power

You may stay lonely, unless you take a good look at yourself Rossetti 1868 {{PD-Art}}
Dear Julie,
Hi! I’ve been having a rough couple of three years. In the past few years, I’ve gone through a lot of pain surrounding my childhood and my fears pertaining to men and relationships have surfaced. I do not know how to control or manage my fears regarding men and sex. I can’t function properly on a daily basis as I am overwhelmed my fears, and afraid of my own thoughts.  If I were to read anything that remotely suggests sex, I begin to panic. I’m highly uncomfortable with people talking about sex, especially men. The ease with which women talk about sex escapes me. I’ve seen cases in which people disrespect their sex partners, and I use that as reason for me not to engage with anyone of the opposite sex. I’ve not had any serious relationships. Sometimes, I feel safe from hurt. Other times, I’m lonely but I remind myself nobody can hurt me this way. I have a push and pull dynamic in place when it comes to love matters. I want to experience love but the fear or abandonment and betrayal have me running. I have a deep-rooted fear someone using me, disrespecting me, and taking advantage of me.I have an unexplainable, and somewhat irrational fear of sex.
I would greatly appreciate it if you could help me figure things out or what exactly I am supposed to learn because I’m drawing a blank. I was born on dd/mm/yyyy at xxx in xxx. I understand if you are unable to do so, but thank you nonetheless for reading my email. Thank you very much.
S.
Hello S,
After studying your natal chart, I think I see a few possible explanations for your plight. First let me say that your straightforward and rational presentation of your case suggests to me that you are truly open to hearing about what may not be functioning at an optimal perceptual level for you–and that makes me more than willing to address your issues, and, hopefully, to help.
Since you use the word ‘fear’ repeatedly to describe your experience, I looked first at Saturn, our natural connection to reality and main signifier of both worldly ambitions and fears. Your Capricorn Saturn sits in the 7th House–right away we get hints that you may be projecting your own attitudes onto others–and is in a very interesting (and complex) aspect situation. Saturn’s companions in the 7th are Uranus, the Sun (ruler of childhood experiences 3rd), and Neptune, all, including Saturn, within a 10 degree spread, and so considered conjunct natally. But, there’s more! Saturn is also conjunct the Moon and Mercury (chart ruler) in Capricorn in the 8th, and Venus in Aquarius in the 8th (though Vesta in Aquarius sits just outside the max natal orb for a conjunction).
Just with this, we can see a few things: contained emotions (Saturn conjunct the Moon, Moon in Cap), a desire to approach relationship on an intellectual level (Venus in Aquarius), a weakness for delusion (Neptune), and a Ceres/ Jupiter conjunction in the 1st, just below the Ascendant, suggests a too-strong identification with the powerful goddess literally in charge of all nature (and I say “too-strong” as the exaggeration factor of Jupiter may point to a dominant Self-concept that leaves no room for a partner–Mother Nature has no spouse!)
Saturn also sextiles Juno and Pluto, opposes Earth and Chiron, quincunxes the South Node and trines Sedna–with this last aspect making it very difficult to see one’s own Saturn, and by extension, any of the ways Saturn interacts with the other energies (and at least potentially, Sedna will aspect some of the other players in the Saturn drama–this, plus Neptune’s involvement, is probably why you are “drawing a blank,” as you say in your letter, over the whole situation). All this active contact suggests that Saturn is a huge player in your life–yet may remain hidden (Sedna), not just from your consciousness, but from showing its importance via projection; in other words, all your Saturn issues, both positive and negative, may appear to originate, be caused by, or spring from others and/ or reality (another Saturn concept), thus it’s easy to convince yourself that there’s a good, solid reason why you react the way you do (even though you show keen Self-awareness as you state you know your fears are irrational).
This is such a complex chart (in terms of the contacts and interrelatedness of the various bodies) that I’m going to go straight for my interpretation, as outlining it would be an almost endless task. In general, I’d say there are two major components to your fear experience: one concerns repression of many many facets of your own Beingness, either from judging them to be ‘wrong’ in some fashion or from social rules, teachings, and traditions, and the other concerns your idea of personal power, and your extreme reluctance to open yourself to anything that might force you to compromise your own power position or to share your power with another.
Now I know many people do not really accept that they have any power at all; they point to modest life circumstances, to a subordinate social or work position, or to their own lack of interest at exerting their Will on others, and claim that power is not a relationship they have–but au contraire, this is a relationship each of us has, each and every hour of every day. To have no personal power is to be dead; if we are alive at all, we are still involved with expressing our Will, and exerting our influence, no matter how subdued this appears to be.
When we look at both the repression factor and the power factor simultaneously, what we see is someone who is holding very tightly to her own autonomy, who is, in fact, in a power struggle with a potential partner long before that partner arrives. You appear to associate relationships and all related aspects (such as sex) as presenting you with a totally unacceptable loss of power–but if one sees the sharing of power within relationship as something not allowable (and there is no way to be in a relationship without in some way letting another person share in your life energy, in your power) it’s a natural ‘next step’ to label this as ‘fear’–and indeed, it is a form of fear, the kind that arises when one is threatened by any suggestion that another could have an effect on your situation.
The repression aspect of things seems largely to be about rejecting certain parts of normal human nature because you so strongly judge these to be inferior inclinations, or ‘bad.’ This is likely from making strict internal judgments that view one as superior if one is not involved in passionate relationships, perhaps seeing others in these circumstances as weak or silly–and there may be some idea of marriage and sex as highly destructive forces–and so staying away from them may convey in the unconscious a strong feeling of superiority (this is suggested by several components of the chart, though the Juno/ Pluto conjunction in the 5th is alone enough to draw this conclusion) .
You do see the potential for positive man/ woman relationships, but this contrasts with some of your most serious and deeply held beliefs that marriage (or the idea of dedicating oneself to another) and sex (or the idea of union with, and therefore vulnerability to, another), are negative, which suggests two things: that you are not only resistant to being vulnerable to another (which is perfectly understandable–no woman should feel at the mercy of anyone else), but also that you are determined to keep all power for yourself, as there seems to be a deeply seated distrust of others, along with a deep desire to hold all the power cards–so it’s not just fear of vulnerability, but an actual desire to be powerful yourself (and I believe this isn’t an ego thing at all, but a holdover from past life experience, where you were a very powerful, and possibly ruthless, man–hence you project your own previous attitudes on partners and onto the entire idea of man/ woman interaction).
The chart implies you see it as your duty to accept a man and to marry (and this could be a big part of the problem, not wanting to surrender any power over yourself to societal expectations, much less an individual husband), but it also says you have an exaggerated need to feel you are already complete in the sense of not needing an external animus component in your life. When one couches one’s feelings in terms of uncontrollable fear, one is then, essentially, granting the Self permission to avoid all feared contact–for if this is an emotional reaction, rampant and undefined, what can anyone do?
This is not to discount truly legitimate wounds and fears that you carry, S, as these are apparent in the chart, too; it’s just that these are no more prominent than for anyone else. The important point is that you are allowing beliefs and behavior to be fueled by an unreasonable desire to command what is really a co-operative arrangement (and by that I mean, the natural ebb and flow of human interaction). The fears are exaggerated because in making them so large, and thus including the pretense that sex is such an alien and disturbing concept, you create the perfect scenario for excusing the need to ever allow another to share power (love) in your life.
There is hope for you, in that, if you can approach relationship from an autonomous, willing, and loving viewpoint, where you do not feel in any way coerced, pressured, obligated, and do not feel that a man’s sexual attention is an attention that takes your power from you, then you can engage quite happily in a relationship (and you’d be surprised, that many women feel quite vulnerable when a man shows sexual interest or attention, as it has a quality that can be truly frightening, a consuming quality that can certainly be felt as one that robs the female of something essential–and I think this is what you’re fixing on and responding to). Instead realize that this is simply an energy of sharing. Your biggest problem may be that, in trying to keep anyone from taking anything away from you, you’ve closed off your ability to receive something from another, as well–which is precisely the situation of the sex act, and any dynamic relationship.
You seem like a truly lovely person, intelligent and kind–I don’t think it’s that far a leap for you to exorcise the idea that you must call all the shots and hold all the power, and to invite a relationship of equals, a loving, gentle, and fulfilling interaction, into your life.
Best wishes, S,
jd

Telling It Like It Is

'The Bride' Brown 1869 {{PD-Art}}

In my experience, this article encapsulates the reasons 99 percent of people who want to be married aren’t–with the sole problem typically being not a lack of awareness but a lack of willingness–to see oneself clearly, to be open to change, to be flexible in what one requires. Thanks to Rae Indigo for sharing this on facebook.

Sun, Mars, Ceres in Aquarius: It’s the Self V. the Group

Sheet Music Cover 1901 {{PD}}

Now that the Solar influence has joined the god of war and Mother Nature in Aquarius, we can get a good look at just where our attention and energy will naturally be focused over the coming month (our attention remains here as long as the Sun shines here). The Sun, Mars, and Ceres are slated to buddy-up closely in early February, which should result in the period when our Aquarian concentration on the role of the individual vis-a-vis the group, the intellectual challenges of being a rebel/ original thinker v. as an individual facilitating (and perhaps leading) the group, seeing the Self’s interest in light of what our friends deem important–and whatever form this comes in, it will have a Higher Mind (even academic) component, and will bring up questions of authority: who holds dominion over whom, what is our ‘natural’ role in things, and we must ask ourselves if we are the ‘maternal’ (nurturing or custodial) influence in the equation, or are we the offspring of a larger concern, seeking our independence?

At this time these questions, plus subjects related to the natal House where these three bodies gather, will need to be answered; the form they take may seem to be something quite aside from our conscious focus and concerns, or could sit at the very heart of our life’s dedication and direction, but in either case, and whether we can successfully draw identity answers from the circumstances in the allotted time or not, we will find these identity and power/ authority issues at the forefront of our world.

There’s also the matter of which side of the issue you’ll vibe to (and this can change, if we find ourselves facing multiple versions of this challenge): either we’ll be very much focused on the Self and our personal role and prerogatives (especially those that may be inhibited by or restricted under the command of others) or we will see ourselves as representative of broader interests, the kind that inherently hold power either naturally–by age, for instance–the 18 year old can’t drink in many jurisdictions, the 14 year old can’t drive, the 23 year old can’t run for President, and neither can the 50 year old join military service or the corps de ballet or the Olympic team (except in specific instances), and we may find ourselves agreeing with this, as one or another circumstance hands us the power by virtue of our chronological standing; or that hold power by relationship–for example, a mother to child, boss to employee, master to apprentice, examiner and exam-taker, and so on–and again, we may sit in the power position by virtue of an already-held position, the power of which is bestowed by Collective agreement: the group says this is what it takes in this situation to hold power. And, if we identify with the group, we may combine the Self urge and the group urge and seek to lead–and if that’s what you’re after, this is the time to do it!

So, we either identify with ourselves and our causes, or we identify with something established (though this is not The Establishment, but rather a less rigid or formal power position than those bestowed by society as a whole). No matter which vibe is dominant within us, we will find material for struggle, and we will feel the desire to establish our own authority in some form as a strong need upon which it seems, at least for now, our identity rests. Go into this coming month with these matters in mind: sort out your feelings about the groups to which you belong, measure your standing and your power in terms of where you are versus where you want to be, and consider whether the route you’re taking (anything from ridiculously independent to slavishly seeking group approval) is really what you want–sometimes we pursue some course more out of reflex than out of wanting the position we’re building–if you’ve ever found yourself left out of a group, or set upon by an entity that assumes you ‘owe’ them, then you have probably pursued a role you never actually meant to cultivate–and now’s the time to correct any flaws in your approach.