‘What You’re Asking’: Man-Problems by Sign

From the recent search-term trends, it seems the ladies are having some trouble understanding their men, and they’re seeking some insight via Sun signs. As my regular readers know, I’m not keen on generalized pronouncements based on Sun placement; if you want to be able to classify individuals with an appropriate label, it’s better to look at all the major placements and see where the ‘weight’ of the chart is. Of course, look at the Sun, Moon, and Ascendant first, as these carry the most influence in terms of expression and personality. Look too for stelliums, many placements in the same sign or element, and for a man look carefully at how Mars’ placement ties in to the identity triumvirate of Sun, Moon, and Ascendant; for a woman look to Venus and her influence. Look also at what the Sun and Moon rule, and at the condition of any dispositors of the big three. (For example, if you have Sun in Taurus and you’re looking for its final dispositor, you look to Venus, ruler of Taurus–in our example this is in Gemini, which is ruled by Mercury, and we find Mercury in Gemini, its own sign–making Mercury the final dispositor of the Sun, since we have no more path to follow. This small sample suggests that Gemini would be a strong sign in the chart, stronger than might first appear, and possibly a more accurate descriptor of inclinations than the Taurus Sun might be).

So, look for what has a strong influence, study subtle energies, and be open to other-than Sun-sign dominance–but of course, always keep it somewhere in your mind, as this is the symbol of the Soul in its present state and intents–and so ultimately always says a great deal about a person’s aims in this life; we don’t always see it as dominating behavior since ‘surface’ energies are often keyed more strongly to Moon, chart ruler (Ascendant ruler), or ruler of the Sun.

All that said and done, you’ll still be able to give someone a label, either by element or sign–and now to our first search term, all answered with the assumption that this is the most characteristic energy for the individual:

what gemini men fear

Gemini men fear a general selection of the things everyone else fears (snakes, heights, bad hair days, waking up naked in public) and one other, tiny thing: words. For Gemini, words have great power; whether they come in the form of conversation, an edict, or thoughts, the Gemini man is likely to be skittish in communication–his nightmare always begins with, ‘We need to talk.’ The result is two extremes, one where he either stops thinking under stress, or overthinks–but the result is always the same, a freeze-up and freeze-out of the mental faculties. That means he lacks an ability to receive or process information at the time this is most critical to himself and to his relationships. If you know that he will automatically receive any communication as stressful, then you can tailor your approach so that something else comes first–so dance with him, make love to him, give him an ice cream cone, and then very gently start communicating. If you can distract him and slip your thoughts over to him like sliding an envelope filled with important papers into a relaxed hand, you’ve got a chance to slip past the fear and initiate communication on a level where he’s very very adept.

how to get a point across to a scorpio man

Your first mistake is to think you’re not getting your point across; Scorpio will retreat at the sting of your idea and show an indifferent exterior, though he’s likely seething inside. He gets ‘it,’ whatever it is; the more you harangue him the more solid will be the appearance of a stony visage that reads like ‘I don’t get it,’ but is really, ‘Step back before I lose my temper.’ When you insist he doesn’t get it, he’s only insulted. Keep a distance, and keep your dignity; Scorpio thinks a great deal less of those who are openly needy or demanding–for them, emotions are to be held deep inside, not splashed all over like cheap perfume.

There’s something else to consider here: that you may carry the belief that, if he got your point, he would agree with it–accompanied by the belief that anyone who doesn’t agree with you does so because they don’t get your reasoning. This attitude can poison the well of relationships, because it leaves no room for disagreement, and an automatic judgment on your part (whether you know you are making it or not) that the person who doesn’t agree with you is unable to grasp your reasoning–in other words, it’s like calling someone stupid, but reallly, really politely 🙂  Scorpio is especially adept at reading the below-the-surface messages, so he likely hears your message, doesn’t agree with it, and is angry at your assumptions–all while keeping a chilly stone wall in perfect repair between you.

the unfaithful capricorn

Ah, the duplicitous goat–he is the most loyal of companions, until he isn’t. As I’ve noted before in these pages, Cappy is there for you in the most practical and consistent of ways–and you know he’s withdrawn his affection, and sent it somewhere else, when he stops showing up in all those mundane, serious, day-to-day activities. With Cap, missing his carpool appointment or forgetting to pay the bills or failing to pick you up after work are the most solid declaration he’ll make that he’s not in love, anymore–and you may be hard pressed to get him to admit it, as this man will typically want to withdraw with honor, leaving things unsaid with a final exchange of handshakes and words of cool civility. For more emotional partners, this can be both devastating and carry an air of incompletion. It’s worth knowing, though, that Cap won’t kiss and tell, and will honor the time you did spend together–but if you’re hoping for a re-connection down the road, that’s unlikely–when Cap closes the door to his heart it usually stays very firmly shut–barricaded like a castle drawbridge, moat and all.

aquarius man disappearing act

My guess is that your Aquarius has been gone a lot longer than you think; his mind likely wandered way before his body hit the road. Knowing Aqua man (you don’t mind if I call him that, do you?) he arranged his leave-taking in detail, planning every step, getting everything ready and even developing a soundly-reasoned philosophical argument as to why this is best for you both–but you don’t get to hear this, as the final detail is to shock you with his disappearing act. The surprise and chaos he hopes to engender in you with his vanishing is an effect that feeds his Aquarian ego–so if you want to leave this interaction with some sense of pride and Self-possession, you’ll see that he’s already gone, and turn your attention elsewhere. Deprive this guy of what he really wants, to disturb the electric current of your Being, to take your energy, just for a time, and you leave the relationship having exerted some control over its finale, with your sense of yourself and your priorities intact.

Get relationship help with THE ASTROLOGY OF INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com

What You’re Asking: Eros in Public, An Emo Ghost, and Stalker Synastry

Eros conjunct the Midheaven

In the chart of an individual, Eros conjunct the Midheaven will likely manifest as an eroticization of the career or public function; in other words, he or she will be turned on by the professional role, and/or by their own exposure (and I use that word intentionally) in the public arena. This can have very innocent results–someone super-dedicated to the role they play in life can be the result, the consummate professional who excels because they’re truly dedicated to what they do–or it can bring about the kind of person who participates very eagerly in life–they ‘play the game’ with gusto. This can also be someone who thrives on the attention of the crowd, and particularly likes to hear about themselves and their reputations–a kind of reverse gossip, who wants to hear it all, as long as it’s about him or her! It can also signal someone who’s very open and honest about their proclivities, or someone who doesn’t mind others knowing what they truly are turned on by–they show preferences with no holding back, no shame, very healthy as they let others look on minus any hesitation about others knowing who they are–because to them, the private stuff lies elsewhere. And yes, it can also signal someone for whom their own public image is eroticized, with those observing seeing them as a sexual object, or as personifying an idealized sexual image as prescribed by the relevant society or even social circle. See an example here https://askjulie.wordpress.com/the-lens-of-eros/

Cross-chart, if one person’s Eros conjuncts another’s MC, we see the Eros person turned on by the career and/or public image of the other person–this could be a celebrity-chaser, or someone who often finds themselves attracted to those that others admire, with or without it making any sense. The response of the MC person will depend largely on that person’s feeling about receiving that erotic projection; if it fts their own ideas about themselves, they may thoroughly enjoy it–if it’s at odds with the way they see themselves (or the way they believe the other person should perceive them) then it can be a disquieting experience to interact with the Eros individual–minds will be changed, or the MC person will beat feet out of there fast, out of sheer discomfort!

Don’t confuse Eros with love; it is, instead, focused desire with the intention to possess that upon which it’s fixed–and though sometimes that feels like love, it’s really a type of projection, a decision to mentally overlay the person or object (because yes, they call fetishes and toys and talismans and such ‘erotica’ for a reason!) with sexual meaning.

Do Gemini men indulge in adultery?

They’re human, aren’t they? No sign is immune to any behavior,  just as no sign guarantees a behavior–we’re much more complex than that. Here’s my thought: if you’re asking the question, then you’re not feeling secure in the relationship–so the next issue becomes, Is it you, or is it him? Sometimes we project our own proclivities onto others; in this case, you might be prone to stray yourself, or, more likely, you might be unreliable, and this could translate into a need to constantly be reassured in whatever life area you are least secure, in this case, the romantic one. Or, this could genuinely be your intuition speaking. Only you know for sure.

husband not emotionally there

My heart (and the hearts of many of my readers) definitely go out to you. It’s not easy trying to relate to someone who seems unreachable on any but an intellectual level. That said, we must acknowledge that your husband’s emotions exist–and it’s important to say this, as it’s easy to pretend that someone not showing emotion doesn’t have emotions. And that suggests that he’s either feeling alienated from his own emotions (via depression) or that he is hiding his feelings from you.

I don’t mean to be glib, but it seems to me that if your husband is not emotionally there, with you, then he must be somewhere else–and I think that in some circumstances, this is the reality we don’t want to face. If this happens to strike a chord with you, the first thing you must do is face that, though a relationship consists of many facets, and connects at many levels, a marital relationship without emotional engagement basically negates all but the legal definition of the pact; marriage is, at its very essence, an emotional communion–and without that, you may be looking at the fact that the marriage no longer exists.

It’s essential that you understand a few things before you make any decisions or pronouncements: that your husband has disengaged for a reason–it may be one he needs help with (like depression) or may be one he will fiercely deny or defend against (infidelity, emotional or physical, a change in his feelings toward you, a spiritual path that may have turned him strongly toward considering only himself–and this latter should’ve lead him to formally end a relationship with you long before, so it’s not a more ‘noble’ excuse). You must also recognize that you cannot control his responses, nor should you try; though there may be a feeling that he ‘owes you’ (as implied by some readings of the marriage vows) sorting this out is not helped by judgments or demands, though it’s true that as your partner, he needs to acknowledge and deal with his own disengagement. You must also acknowledge your own, true feelings; sometimes we are as disengaged as our partner, but don’t want to see it–and sometimes we simply want to extract ‘payment’ in some form, for the pain we feel they’ve caused–but in both instances, we may not love anymore, ourselves, and are misrepresenting our own position, out of righteousness, as well as misunderstanding our own emotional state.

Sometimes we cannot get our partner, when he’s in this state, to speak in any meaningful way about existing circumstances, and in this case, it falls to you to decide how you feel (regardless of his feelings–after all, your feelings aren’t dependent on his, are they? And if they are, then it’s high time this relationship was examined, anyway). You only have control of yourself, so once you determine your own feelings (and sort out your own needs) you’ll know whether this ghost husband is offering anything sustainable, anything that still retains the shape of a marriage, and it will be quite obvious what you must do from there. Good luck–

Why did Venus hate Psyche?

I think ‘hate’ is the wrong word here–I think Venus was threatened by Psyche’s beauty, and that would make her both envious (wanting what Psyche has) and jealous (when Venus’ son Eros, whose full attention Venus had up to this point, falls in love with Psyche–Venus wants the attention of Eros, that Psyche now has). It just illustrates the idea that a woman who tries to destroy another woman hates a little part of herself–not a pretty picture at all.

stalker synastry

All synastry is highly dependent on the interaction of individual charts for ‘punch,’ and the synastry of a stalker to a stalkee could have any number of compelling aspects. A few include: the Pluto of the stalker to any identity energy (Sun, Moon, Venus for female, Mars for male, chart ruler, Sun or Moon ruler) of the stalked; Saturn of the stalker to these same identity energies (signalling a possible compulsion to control); Ceres (especially a female’s Ceres) to prominent chart energies; in negative Juno contact (usually more bossy than stalky); and Neptune prominent in the stalker’s chart and contacting significant energies of the stalkee–this latter obviously brings a high possibility of delusion into the mix. Still, so much depends on how these individuals use their energies, that just having some of these contacts doesn’t necessarily promise obsession–whew!

And check out this article for a really interesting account of youthful indiscretion–or perhaps, youthful optimism that sees things in a more romatic light than they warrant: http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/ class=”hiddenSpellError” pre=””>jun/07/lynn-barber-virginity-relationships

Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act 4

Hi Julie, My relationship quandry…my husband has just been diagnosed with diabetes and I do not want to deal with it. What is the matter with me? He seems happy to always have to be at the doctor’s or taking more medications and I become very rude to him when he starts discussing it. I feel he can best help himself by eating right and trying to get away from all those prescriptions. He is now up to a dozen a day. Am I being completely cold in this relationship? Should I try harder? Thank you.

Hi T,

First, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to balk at taking on your husband’s health burdens, and it seems specifically that you may feel this way because he appears to glory in the ritual, routine, and attention that comes with a chronic health condition. There are two things to look at here: why does your husband seem to need this particular kind of attention so much? and, what underlies your reaction to his situation?

When we look at your husband’s chart, we see recent transits that likely brought this health condition forward (T Saturn conjunct natal Mercury, ruler of the 6th of health), and we also see that he has been under quite a bit of stress emotionally (T Pluto recently contacted natal Chiron, and is now square his Moon). His natal Moon is in Aries, a position that naturally calls for him to be the center of attention on the emotional front, and a Pluto transit to first Chiron, unearthing hurt at a primal level, then the Moon, bringing an intense effect that may have felt to him like obliteration, could have triggered (or at least, greatly exacerbated) the natal emotional requirement to put ‘Me First.’

Your uncharacteristically unempathetic response shows in recent transits to your own chart, transits that likely have left you feeling much less of a need to engage deeply with others if that engagement was draining to you in some way, especially emotionally. Transiting Saturn has been over your Vesta, suppressing your feeling of commitment to the home front and the sexual partner, and perhaps lessening the idea that one must uphold those sacred institutions (like marriage) that you are normally a strong supporter of; and transiting Neptune is conjunct Juno in the 5th, obscuring from your view your natural means of empowerment, one venue of which is through the romantic relationship. So, the coolness you’re feeling right now is not surprising, nor does it indicate a cold heart or indifference–it’s just the way the wind’s blowing for you, currently.  And, with ruler of the 7th posited in the 2nd natally, the state of your significant other feels like it relates directly to your Self-worth and Self-image–so an ill partner may read as something to get away from, rather than coddle, support, or indulge.

And it does feel like indulgence to you that your husband is engaged in–and here’s where we must lay it all out. His behavior is undoubtedly too involved in relishing his own illness, but this seems to be an indication of his Moon’s needs, and right now, this illness which has shaken him to his core (whether this shows or not) needs to be acknowledged as a ‘Big Thing.’ Irritating as it may be, he truly needs to put all his energy and attention into dealing with this illness, as at present the illness defines him emotionally–and if the illness gets taken care of, then he’s taken care of, nurtured, loved, too.

For you, though your reaction is totally understandable and one with which many will sympathize, if you love your husband, you need to take a step back and get a slightly more objective view of things. You seem to be reacting out of your own need to separate your sense of yourself from your partner, and this is certainly fine, but ultimately Self- and relationship-sabotaging, as love and relationship require that we see and acknowledge the needs of our partner, and right now he needs you. The Moon rules his 7th, so every emotional assault he suffers tends to make him turn to you for support. There is also the matter of you judging him; though the amount of attention he needs may seem over-the-top to you, variation in need must be recognized (of course, there’s the matter of, if you’d known when you got together how needy he was, you may not have gotten together–but don’t we always have knowledge of the depths of our partners all along, whether we admit it or not? And so we must see that we choose them both because of and in spite of their qualities).

I think if you give your husband’s emotional needs all the ‘Me First’ attention and support they require, you will find within your husband, not the emotional black hole I believe you anticipate, but instead a renewed confidence and Self-assurance that was probably a big draw for you initially in the relationship in the first place. Approaching his needs with a non-judgmental attitude and a willingness to fill the bucket indefinitely will, conversely, shorten the time during which you must deal with his exaggerated need, so, though it may be contra-intuitive for you, I would suggest you give him the ego and emotional support he needs, especially because, we should note, Mars is a prominent part of the equation, and he may feel that his manhood is threatened along with his health–your job is to let him know it’s not.

My best to you both,

jd

Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act 3

you like ‘interesting situations’ so here goes:

I made the mistake of reading ahead for me, on ‘x’ website, Mr. Y writes these extended horoscopes & i find sometimes they are a wee bit negative at times; kinda got depressed. I have a wonderful man in my life, who i know from h.s. and college–we were just friends back then but via facebook, after 20 years, found each other again, but now, things have gotten romantic. go figure however, a. after a lifetime of heartbreak, he’s not one to get into a committed relationship (tho he calls & is attentive every day), because he feels depressed at times/in a dark place b. he wants to move to LA where i live from NY but for his career predominantly, not for me (tho obviously it would be nice if things were to work once he did get out here). (he is an electrician/musician but wants to be a film composer.) And yet it is wonderful and close at times…really hoping he finds the courage to move here…

After reading these transits (i have put them all in this email) i am worried–if i stick it out, will this relationship eventually solidify? makes me sad to know that this one may not work

in his chart, i can see one transit which deals w him possibly being involved w a younger woman but of course, that’s
just Mr. Y’s interpretation
thanks!

Hi! Since you’ve not supplied a name, I’ll call you Natasha, and like every lovely, exotic, smokey-throated beauty you’re seeking your Boris, that man who’s a perfect partner for you. So, you have the man in your life, and you go looking for information, and what do you (like any curious person would) do? You find transit meanings written by one of the foremost astrologers of our day, and you apply them to the charts of yourself and your smitten kitten, and you believe them–and that last step is where you go horribly, terribly, awfully wrong. Boris and Natasha

It’s an act of Self-sabotage to assess your relationship in this way–this is where I give the lecture about it being very, very imprudent to interpret a chart a piece at a time–because you end up confused, freaked out, worried, and not much better informed than you started out, and that’s because every transit, for true accuracy and relevance, must be interpreted within the context of the whole chart, and must be scaled to the circumstances of the life. So no matter how good a description is offered of a particular transit, you must use it only as a guideline–and here’s where I say that you must also be aware of the fact that each astrologer is offering interpretation that is unavoidably colored by their personal experience to some degree (some far more than others–one prominent astrologer, who has contributed immensely to the field, is wonderful on theory but tends to interpret every individual chart seen as the chart of someone dysfunctional, injured by heavy family dynamics, likely violated in some form and thus permanently scarred, and any rejection of this idea is labeled ‘denial’–it becomes just like the sane person slapped into the mental institution–the expectations of everyone the person comes in contact with are that anything said is the utterance of someone unbalanced–and suddenly even normal, healthy assertion is seen in a completely inaccurate light!) Put all those factors together, and you’ll understand that reading single interpretations one after the other (and perhaps selectively pulling parts of the interpretations from each as relevant) gives you a goulash that fails to illuminate the life one iota.

Further, Natasha, you may be missing the instrument you really need here, as isn’t this about whether you two will end up together or not? And that requires a comparison of the two natal charts to show points of contact and compatibility (I don’t use composites, though others swear by them and get good results, just because a relationship is an interaction between two people–you don’t lose your individuality and become one melded blob, in my view, though I can think of a few relationships that resemble big melded blobs!)–because isn’t it the strength of what’s between you that counts?

 So I took the liberty of peeking at your chart interaction, and here are a few tidbits: you each see the other as ‘mate’ worthy material, especially you, with his Jupiter conjunct your North Node, which likely feels like being with this guy could deliver the world to you–an exciting feeling, and reciprocally this contact says he likely is very generous in aiding you in your destined direction–though that doesn’t necessarily include him. There is a repeated dynamic between you that suggests struggle, especially struggle between anima energies (this can often show as almost a competition as to who’s more sensitive, who’s more feeling, who’s more creative, artistic, receptive to the sensory world); however, this can be a very, very quiet kind of struggle, not at all overt, so it may read like harmony that can’t get itself together because life circumstances just won’t oblige–there’s always a little something winkling in, a fly in the ointment of your mutual plans, so the refrain becomes, once this is done, worked out, surmounted, we can finally be together. The question then becomes, will you be? Maybe, though chances go lower with your Mercury conjunct his Neptune–that is almost a guaranteed form where the Neptune party resists hearing the Mercury person’s message, and where the Mercury person doesn’t understand what’s conveyed by the Neptune person, either, as every time she tries to communicate with him, it seems impossible to pin him down. But, here’s where personal circumstances come in–since he is a musician, attuned to Neptune (pardon the pun), you could be a source of ideas and inspiration for him, and he a source of inspiration (to communicate) for you–you may almost literally ‘speak’ to his music-oriented persona.

Find an astrologer you trust to assess the chart interaction in full, if you’re so moved, and don’t worry–the form transits take doesn’t trump reality, they reflect it, so if you’re feeling the relationship is essentially good, go with it–and forget it, there’s no such thing as a ‘younger woman comes along and seduces him’ transit!

Good luck, Nat–I hope things work out for you and your musician–

jd

Variations on a Theme of Self-Sabotage, Act Two

I am very interested in knowing the right time to meet a life partner (man) for the rest of my life. Afraid to have another one for fear it hurts worse when it ends. Cannot have the wind knocked out of my sails again. Two years ago, betrayed by x-boyfriend who went with my x-friend.  D

Dear D,

Who isn’t interested in knowing this? But it is Self-sabotaging to refuse to participate in relationship unless you get a guarantee that this person won’t hurt you–and that only happens if you’re not involved emotionally, so how rewarding or interesting could that relationship be? Not to mention he won’t find it terribly compelling to date someone who literally does not care. You may think it’s more reasonable to request the right time to meet the perfect life partner, than to request to directly know who he is and when he’s arriving–but the fact is that again, you’re asking for a guarantee, as if everything is pre-determined and I just have to look it up–and it’s not.

Take care or, confused, he could ride right on by
Take care or, confused, he could ride right on by

It almost sounds like you are hoping to know precisely the right time to lower the emotional drawbridge and let prince charming cross into your heart. I don’t blame you one bit–who wants to be hurt if they don’t need to be? But that is exactly the point: if you don’t stay open to relationship, you won’t have the heart opening, bending, and molding experiences that will make you the exact right person for the life partner when he does come along–he will instead see only a castle with a lovely damsel in it and an impassable moat–and he will ride right on by.

Damsels must remain emotionally accessible, in order to find love.
Damsels must remain emotionally accessible, in order to find love.

So please, D, consider that life really is, to use a tired old cliche that is absolutely correct, a journey, and know that the answer isn’t closing up emotional shop until a specified period of time–what if I gave you a possible time to meet an excellent partner, and some boob muscled in there ahead of the ‘right’ guy and you opened up to him, thinking it was the right guy–what a mess! Then you’d think astrology was a crock (or perhaps that I’m incompetent), or that maybe there was no one for you, and all the while the right one was there, waving from afar, and your skewed timing, your insistence on trying to control the experience, meant the two of you would never meet?

No, if you want love, you have to continue to love, it’s that simple. The real challenge is not to mistake attraction, lust, mating fever, an image, desperation, or hormones for love–we all do, and that’s what leads to 90% of heartbreak. So, concentrate on recognizing, seeing, and participating in real love all you can–and it will come to you, just exactly when it should.

And an aside to D and all who would look for information from an astrologer: we need date, time, and place–without ALL of these, we cannot draw an accurate chart–and no, time zones cannot be used in place of location. jd

What You’re Asking: All About Taurus, Love Rorschachs, and, Why So Promiscuous?

Singing might relax your Taurus
Singing might relax your Taurus

I’ve gotten a large number of searchs for various Taurus characteristics; here are some of them:

Why can’t a Taurus express his love?

I’ll be blunt: we’re talking about the sign most likely to suffer from emotional constipation, though there is hope that once moving the feelings will be sincere and loving, thanks to ruler Venus. (Others also prone to possible emotional inertia include Capricorn–the feelings have as much chance of escape as that guy bricked into the wall in The Cask of Amontillado–and Virgo, where incessant weighing and measuring of each exchange and response can be like having an accountant in charge of, well, anything other than accounts!) You can help Taurus and others like him by making the atmosphere as stable and non-threatening as possible, and showing yourself to be reliable and calm. The bull (and his psyche) moves when he feels things are steady, that there’ll be no shrieky surprises, and when he’s sure his love will be met by a similar response from you.

How to tell a Taurus man you’re pregnant?

Now, we just had a question like this about Aquarius . . . but I’ll assume this is a different person, as this isn’t the Jerry Springer Show. Setting the stage to tell a Taurus you’re pregnant is a lot like setting the stage for him to express his love–no screams of delight or otherwise, no ticker-tape, no big sudden moves that might frighten him into the forest. All he wants are the facts, presented in a calm and loving way. And maybe some pudding.

Why would a Taurus man introduce you to —

I would love to know what the rest of this search was.

How do I react to ‘I love you’?

How you answer this is definitely a Rorshach determining how you feel about love, your partner, yourself, relationships, and measuring both your level of social conditioning and capacity for Self-control. There are an endless number of combinations here, but I can say one thing with certainty: if you’re asking this question, you’re not in love yourself, and that may mean that the first step could be letting him or her know where you stand.

What to do if he’s in love and you’re not?

See above.

And finally, this, from the question submission pile:

How is someone with Venus in 4th house and in Virgo sooo goddamn promiscuous?

Hello, C–

I don’t know if the chart data you sent and your question refer to yourself or someone else, so I’ll speak in general terms. I don’t think Venus’ position in the 4th in Virgo even figures in, at least as a direct cause; I’d blame this on some combination of Neptune in the 7th at the Descendant (illusions/ delusions about potential partners), Chiron in the 12th (acting out of a wound one isn’t even aware of), or Sedna’s exact trine to said Venus (through no fault of one’s own, and perhaps instilled by the family of origin–4th House location–or friends or group standards–11th House Sedna) making it easy not to have a clue what love feels like, what a relationship should be, or what values may serve one’s own best interests. A faulty love compass can send one spinning through personal encounters, many of them sexual, without the individual knowing how to control what’s happening; it’s like someone else takes over when it’s time to relate to another human being.

The person with this chart does have a way out, in fact a couple. There is a complex involving the Moon in Aquarius opposed Mercury, Vesta in Gemini, and Juno in Aries, that can act as a refuge. The Aquarius Moon can separate from the impulses and feelings, and use the intellect to take command of what may seem a hodgepodge of conflicting information and inclinations; the opposition to Mercury means this individual may reveal the true feelings unconsciously through speech, writing, and other communications, and can learn to listen to themselves, to fnd out how they really feel, which with practice can bring clarity and guide decisions. Vesta in Gemini suggests that through this Mercurial communication mechanism one can learn what one truly honors as sacred, specifically in sexual behavior, and Juno in Aries says that, if one is a woman, her strength will be found in trusting herself to lead herself, to guide her own behavior. There is also a Pluto/ Saturn conjunction in the 5th, all with Libra, with Saturn ruling the 8th, Venus ruling the 12th and 5th, and Pluto ruling the 6th. This says that darker, destructive, sexual impulses, naturally trained on romantic relationships, can be contained and controlled via the mirror of the romantic partner’s values (8th) and one’s responses to them (12th) in the everyday environment; in other words, the individual can watch the way those with whom they are involved react, behave, and measure their world and their actions, and that Aquarian Moon can step in and take what it sees, assess it, sort it out, and keep what it likes to model itself on.

Good luck to you, and the chart individual, C–

Sexless in Seattle

Actually, I’m the one in Seattle, but it’s Vicki and Bob who aren’t having any fun; here’s what Vicki has to say:

I have been married to a man, “Bob,’ for 7 years and to be honest the sex has always been a bit, well, lacking. Of course in the beginning there was more of it, and it seemed ok enough. I guess I thought it would improve with time, HA! Due to an abundance of evidence- but nothing concrete enough to act on – I am now left wondering if “Bob” may just be gay…are there signs in his chart of a rather dull and/or plantonic/robotic lovemaking style? Perhaps he’s just not that sexual? Are there indicators for homosexuality in a chart?

Thanks for your time and help!
“Vicki”

Hi “Vicki,”

Your letter brought to mind an old joke about how terrible the food is, but at least there’s plenty of it! Or, the whole thing was acceptable when you were getting more frequent ‘helpings,’ and it’s now that you’re on a forced diet that you’re ready to complain (and with your strong sexual nature, this is completely understandable, and probably inevitable, with this partner)–and that implies that there are other things binding you and “Bob” together, and your charts show this to be true.

You fit each other’s expectations for a mate very well, with Saturn ruling his 7th and your 7th,  and your Sun conjunct Saturn, implying your Soul vibes to what he wants in a spouse, and his Saturn sextile his Mars, making the Saturnian concepts part of his view of his sexuality and his ‘ideal Self’ as a man and linking them to your Capricorn 7th of mate. Your Venus of love and relationship conjuncts his Moon, suggesting you are open to his emotional reality and he empathizes with and supports emotionally your ideal Self as a woman, and his Venus conjuncts your North Node, which can bring several possibilities, most likely a feeling that his love for you in inevitable, fated, that he is ‘invested’ in your future, or that his love feels very familiar to you, as it’s probably in the style of your mother (or at least it’s the kind of love she taught you to expect). Saturn involvement is essential for a strong and long-lasting relationship, and yours features Saturn prominently. And that’s just a few of the connectors–now let’s look at Bob.

So where’s the sex? Bob seems to have contradictory needs in relationship: he needs nurturing, but his idea of what’s nurturing has a very Saturnian flavor, which means he finds nurture in a more withdrawn, repressed, even cold attitude in a partner–so, on the one hand, withholding sex may be, for him, a big part of what the relationship’s about, especially if it causes a certain ‘hardness’  or indifference/ frustration in your attitude toward him–that may feel like ‘home,’ may feel nurturing, and it could very easily be what he thinks the character of the spousal relationship should be, that it might even naturally carry an aura of contempt for or withdrawal from each other, especially sexually. The interesting part is that you naturally fit this contradictory need of his very well, with Sun/ Saturn in Cancer (not that you are cold, but that your Soul vibes with a Saturn flavor); the problems come with some things within Bob, and in a couple of other interactions.

Bob’s 8th, which describes his sensuality/ sexuality with his partner, is ruled by Uranus, which makes absolutely no aspect in his chart. The biggest effect of this is a disconnected quality; and on top of it Bob is unable to connect with his own uniqueness, his own individual spark, and that can come across as dull. With Aquarius on the 8th cusp, sex can become more of a mental exercise, or can become an intellectual challenge, where the politics of the relationship dictate the behaviors.

Add to this that Bob came into this world with very high evolutionary expectations for himself (Sun and Neptune in anaretic degrees, Sun quincunx a very late–itself almost anaretic–Moon) and you may be looking at someone who has been so disappointed with himself and his failure to meet ideals that the only way to get through life is to essentially put himself on ‘Mute.’

And when it comes to you, despite the very attractive nature you have for Bob, there are some cautionary placements that are only contributing to his reticence: your stellium of Sun, Mercury, Saturn, along with your Ascendant, fall in Bob’s 12th, and this placement of the Sun and other prominent energies automatically makes the House person uneasy. There is an underlying disturbance to Bob’s psyche, a kind of distrust, that echoes through the best of times.

There is also the matter of the tremendously powerful T-square formed in your chart by the Sun/ Earth axis square the Pluto/ Vesta conjunction (and as an aside, you two have Pluto in different signs, which can be a huge generational and attiutudinal gulf). Your Beingness says ‘I’m a highly sexual, even dangerous, woman, who takes it all very seriously, who finds sex sacred, and who may be inclined to, Preying Mantis-like, bite your head off after we mate!” Now of course you don’t say this, or even think it–it’s part of the fabric of who you are, and as long as it remains unconscious, may be like wearing a huge billboard advertising your formidable energies. Once you consciously become aware of the strength of your sexual persona, you can easily turn that into a promise to take the partner to the depths (in a good way) and give them a transformative experience sexually. And, Bob’s Saturn squares his Juno in the 7th, and this suggests that his natural inclination is to suppress anything that empowers his mate–and with that T-square, conscious of the power or not, sex itself may be tremendously energizing and empowering for you, and thus somewhat threatening to Bob.

As to sexual preference, there are no markers for homosexuality–sexuality is sexuality, and though it may have ‘style preferences’ it’s still sex–so I can’t venture an opinion there, but I can say that, with all that Saturn importance for Bob, there could be a taste for ‘the old man,’ but this can just as easily manifest in the ways we’ve discussed, as withdrawal and a harsh attitude toward the mate.

This is not easy to work out, as you both seem to have responded to many unconscious cues–the success of this relationship seems to me to be seated in the intent you each have behind building your future–and the extent to which each of you wants to explore, claim, and regenerate the life energies crucial to your interaction.

Good luck, Vicki–I hope this was in some way illuminating–

Julie

The Clinginess Quiz, or Which Glenne Close Are You?

As promised oh-so-long ago when I posted ‘Are You Too Clingy?’ https://askjulie.wordpress.com/2009/03/10/are-you-too-clingy/ here is a little tongue-in-cheek quiz to help you determine where you fall on the clinginess meter–and who better to measure yourself against than the many incarnations of Glenne Close, whose life and work runs the gamut on illustrating reaction in relationship?

Give yourself 5 points for A answers, 4 for B, 3 for C, 2 for D, and 1 for E. More points isn’t necessarily better, nor is a low score especially good, so don’t stress either way. This is, after all, totally without scientific merit–but it may give you a new angle on your own inclinations.

1. You’re at a party and spot your SO across the room talking with an attractive person, you . . .

A) panic inside 

B) begin to plot the downfall of the recipient of your lover’s attention 

C) think nothing of it 

D) grit your teeth 

E) go over and introduce yourself

2. You get anxious if you haven’t heard from your SO . . .

A) daily, at least, plus lots of playful texts 

B) whenever you want 

C) whenever your SO wants 

D) it doesn’t matter–your SO has no obligation to call you 

E) you don’t know–you’re not really keeping track

3. When you see lovers in a movie, in the park, out to dinner, your first thought is . . .

A) I want that passion for myself!

B) How can I ruin my rival and claim the lover for myself?

C) They really shouldn’t touch in public

D) No time for courtin’–there’s work to be done

E) A life of sexual celibacy looks more attractive all the time

4. Your favorite food is . . .

A) meat!

B) a dish served cold

C) a sandwich made with processed American cheez, chopped, pressed ham, mayo, on white bread, with a glass of whole milk

D) anything made with corn

E) something sensible, like a pot roast

With the astrology placements, give points for all that apply.

5. Your Saturn is in . . .

A) Aries or Libra

B) Sagittarius or Gemini

C) Capricorn

D) Taurus

E) Scorpio

No points for any other placement

6. Your Pluto is in . . .

A) aspect to Venus, ruled by Venus, or in the 8th

B) aspect to Mercury or ruled by it

C) a cadent House–3rd, 6th, 9th, 12th

D) aspect to Saturn

E) Leo or Scorpio

7. Your Venus is in . . .

A) Taurus or Aries

B) Scorpio or Leo

C) Cancer or Aquarius

D) Capricorn, Sagittarius, or Libra

E) Gemini or Virgo

No points for Pisces

8. During a break-up, how do you feel inside?

A) Like I must do anything possible to get him back.

B) Like I want him back, but I feel compelled to play games, and keep him at arm’s length.

C) I look on the sunny side of things–there’s a reason for everything.

D) I embrace hard work.

E) I’ve never really had a break-up.

The Results

34-40 points or a majority of A answers: Like Glenne Close in ‘Fatal Attraction,’ you can let your emotions get the best of you, and drive you to do things way outside your better judgment. Your battle cry, like the character’s, is “I will not be ignored!” Intensity in relationship is the name of the game here–you may think almost obssessively about your partner and the availability of him or her to you. The problem may be that you don’t recognize as clearly as you should boundaries and the rights of others, and you allow little room for down time in a relationship–you may need to learn that every moment can’t burn incandescent with passion without the danger of scarring the ones you love.

27-34 or a majority of B answers: You see love as a bit of a game, and generally aggress in order to protect yourself. Like Close’s Marquise in ‘Dangerous Liasions,’ however, you may have trouble extricating yourself from the complicated tease-and-release program in which you’re involved–and the desire to be in control, and yet to appear above it all, makes for tension, eventual, inevitable disappointment, and perhaps even turns lovers into enemies. Take a step back, and respect that love isn’t something to be ashamed of, but something that makes no demands on anyone.

20-27 or a majority of C answers: Much like the persona Glenne wore early in her life as she traveled the U.S. with a scrubbed, toothsome, sunshine-y performance group called ‘Up With People,’ you may be almost psychotically defended against negativity and gloom. You’re certainly not going to let a little thing like a failed relationship get in the way of duty, country, and keeping your virginity intact (at least, a psychological virginity that focuses on wholesome thought and deed–to the exclusion of acknowledging the whole spectrum of human behavior). Buried feelings are a real danger, and vulnerability to what you don’t acknowledge is a distinct possibility. Loosen up.  

14-20 or mostly D answers: Like the title character in ‘Sarah, Plain and Tall,’ you have a pioneer spirit that doesn’t see the point in whining about anything, much less about fussing over a relationship. Your nose to the grindstone, you see relationships as partnerships, and you expect to have to work at it; you doubt you are allotted  many tender moments in this life. Sadly, your stoic and non-judgmental mentality may cause a less hardy relationship to die on the vine. Take a few moments to nurture and be nurtured; in your push forward you may fail to enjoy what you have, and could walk (or work!) right past what might really give you pleasure.

Fewer than 14 points or mostly E answers: Like Glenne’s sexually celibate nurse in ‘The World According to Garp,’ you may be way too focused on the unsavory elements of human nature, and it could be spoiling your enjoyment of life. You like to cut to the chase, and relationships seem just too encumbered by subterfuge and hypocrisy for you. Consider that there’s something quite pleasant about a little back and forth in the name of love, and that not everybody’s operating according to their basest nature. Cut your fellow Beings some slack, and re-join the human race–we miss you.

Sulking Across the Zodiac: Men and Mood

Astute reader/ astrologer/ dream analyst aello asked in comments for more on the difficulties of dealing with men in a funk (or is that funky men?) and I think this is something we could all use. Is it manipulative to look into someone’s nature so that we can better get along and avoid upset? Maybe, just as it’s manipulative to steer a car or learn the ways of a snake in order to avoid the strike–sometimes knowledge gives an essential, benevolent advantage–we know how much energy can be dissipated in trying to decipher the reasons behind withdrawal, sudden indifference, or touchiness–and with that in mind we’ll look briefly at each zodiac sign (except for Cancer, covered in an earlier post) for typical dysfunctions and effective ways to respond. These definitions could apply to Sun in a sign, Ascendant sign, or Mars in a sign–or even, when a man is older or acting in the role of ‘father,’ the response may align with the sign Saturn is in. If the response seems especially emotional, he may be lost in his Moon–and more than anything, may need your aid.

Aries displays all the lashing-out to be expected from a wounded ego–the trouble is, it may be hard to find anything that isn’t affront-worthy and ego connected! Everything seems to relate back to him–and in order to deal with this behavior, you have to look at things the same way, as if it’s the world vs. Mr. Man–and suddenly you see that the assault mode he’s in is inspired by a perception of attack. It’s almost assured that you’ve done little or nothing that’s causing this reaction, yet the way to handle it is to speak directly to his ego, letting him know (in terms that may seem absurdly literal) that you respect him, his autonomy, and his right to act–and this is usually all it takes for him to see you as an ally, and to muster his Will in service of a co-operative effort.

With Taurus upset is often shown as a slowing, slowing, slowing of energy, an inertia bordering on catatonia. Monumental stubbornness signals a feeling of loss of control, and the way to reassure a Taurean sensibility is to re-connect it with the senses. This is the man who can be fed, massaged, or sang back to a good mood, who’ll enjoy time in the outdoors or handling materials that earth him–look to his Venus to know what sensory aspects will appeal.

Gemini clams up with you, and maybe indulges in the ultimate Gemini ‘adultery’: sharing with, gossiping, and just generally talking to someone else. Info becomes a carefully controlled commodity, and the Gemini-strong man may be feeling particularly vulnerable to what he may have said to you in the past. Something is making him him fear that you will use what you know against him–so reassurance that you can be trusted becomes the salve his overactive mentality needs.

The brilliance of the light emanating from an upset Leo is akin to being in the flash zone of a nuclear blast: you think you might melt, and are left disoriented–just what was that about, anyway? The Leonine sensibilities are set off by a violation of something the Leo sees as relating to the heart of his identity, and you must ask yourself, what in his world is not reflecting back his idea of who he is? When you find the dissonance, you’ll understand just how vulnerable the Leo is behind the bluster and shine, and you can restore the lost commodity of confidence.

When Virgo becomes critical or too-much fixated on what seems like irrelevant detail, you can be sure he feels unsure of the facts, or the expected outcome–a simple re-connection with reality may be all it takes. Too, getting him back out in nature, especially if the activity relates to an effort toward results (‘the harvest’) will help re-align his mood and center his footing back on earth.

Oh Libra, why so passive-aggressive, with your iron-fist-in-velvet-glove attitude aimed firmly at the mate? The sabotaging of the partnership is the Libra man’s cry for help–and it may be seated in a fear that the feminine (Venus) is overtaking him. The sensual and aesthetic side of Venus can feel like a huge vulnerability to the Libra man, and the answer to the insecurity may be found in emphasizing how Venusian he is not (wink wink).

Scorpio‘s sting can be very cold, as if he’s dropped you into the depths of the icy cave of his Soul–of course, this is just how it feels, because he’s seething underneath–but why? With the Scorpion it’s either a fear that he is being destroyed, or a fear that he is disintegrating, likely triggered by external changes he can’t affect. Scorpio needs to feel the power is in his own hands once again, so your mission, should you choose to accept it, isn’t really impossible–just show him, in whatever way fits his world, that he is indeed in control after all.

When disturbed Sagittarius will wander–not cheat, necessarily, more like he’ll head off mentally for new horizons (a few will actually walk away). This happens because he’s been thwarted in some attempt to expand, because he suddenly perceives he’s been tied-down in some way, or because the horizon just looks greener than it does right here. Sag is a pioneer, an explorer, and at base he may ‘check out’ every time things become uncomfortable. Note how his sense of freedom (not his actual freedom) is being violated, and make sure that, even though he remains symbolically tied to you, he has plenty of rope–by offering just the right amount of support, he’ll never know you’re holding the other end, just in case he falls.

Capricorn offers a stern warning–and that’s when everything’s going well! Internal discord causes him to either clamp down like a vise, or totally withdraw, halting his usual laying down of the law, constructive activity, and contributing to his 401K–all the things you can count on and set your watch by. Again it’s about control–but with Cap it centers on a fear of chaos, and a certainty that if he’s not making the rules, no one else will (or they’ll do it badly, another of his favorite excuses for taking over!) Cap needs a combination of a wake-up call (where it’s made clear what really is in his province) and a re-connect to reasonable standards–half the time he’s simply taken the natural Saturnian inclinations too far for his own good.

Ah, the Aquarius man can reason with the best of them–and will reason you both into a cold, sterile corner if he doesn’t maintain perspective. Reliance on his intellect, coupled with the attractive idea that rebellion from ‘what is’ is a possibility at any moment, may make him when under pressure behave as a Self-destructive machine. This is usually a reaction to a fear that he doesn’t understand something that’s going on around him–and the only way he can think to cope seems to be to put the mind into overdrive. Here approach through the Moon, or through Neptune as an indicator of the spiritual–use Moon and Neptune related messages to reassure and show him that there are limits to what the mind can handle.

A stressed Pisces may zone out, toke up, or escape any way he can. What you need to understand here is that Pisces actually believes his chosen coping mechanism is a remedy. He probably won’t realize how destructive his choices are in terms of ignoring the real issue–and spaciness out of fear of inadequacy to meet the challenge is the likely motivator. Pisces can feel very very tiny, and problems can seem Universal in size–and the way to meet this is to re-connect Pisces with his ability to effect circumstances. Start with something tangible–get him to help you open a jar–and you may start the cascade that inspires him to wade back into the fray.